BUSINESS
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KIM IF YOU ARE READING THIS GET IN TOUCH

Girls night watching a private screening of Fifty Shades of Grey!!!!!! OMG it's sooooo good!!!!!

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) February 4, 2015

After an intense morning of negotiations, Jazmine and I are ready to make a solemn announcement: we will pay Kim Kardashian literally all our money if she reviews 50 Shades of Grey for us. This is NOT a joke.

Kim, if you are reading this, just know that our combined net worth is in the HIGH three digits, so. It'll definitely be worth your while.

Do kids still start hashtags to get a celebrity's attention? Idk. What hashtag should we use? #KimKGetInTouchAbout50ShadesAndAlsoJustToHangOutMaybeBrunch seems [...]

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Fiji Water, Oh Fiji Water

Fiji Water has been the butt of a lot of water jokes (?) since it was found to have not-so-green practices a few years ago, around the time famous people started really, really loving it and drinking it. A particularly good article came out last year in Mother Jones, discussing at length what a ridiculously powerful source of revenue this fancy bottled water is for the island nation from which it gets its name, how painfully ironic it is that Fijians themselves don't have access to quality water, how laughable it is, given the water's eco-friendly reputation, that the bottles are made in China and shipped all over [...]

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Louis C.K.: Still Great

Louis C.K. wrote about his Radiohead-ish experiment of selling his latest special directly to viewers online. It's not funny, but it makes you like him more if that is even possible. Related: Louis should ask Edith out on a date. Discuss.

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I'll Always Love You, Netflix

"The Netflix nightmare continues. Shares plunged 35% in afternoon trading Tuesday after the video service revealed it lost 800,000 subscribers in its difficult third quarter." —That's it. HANDS IN THE AIR! Get on the floor. Wallets. Netflix logins. Everyone stay cool and this'll all be over with soon.