What Would Susan Miller Say? My Octocalypse Journal

For months, famed free astrologist and amateur soothsayer Susan Miller had been warning in her horoscopes that October would bring Hard Times, because Mercury would enter retrograde.

I know. A free Internet astrologist? One with a website that appeared to have survived the fall of Netscape Navigator, the Dot Com bubble, Web 2.0 over-engineering, and the Great Recession fallout entirely unchanged? Pointing to is analogous to the gang in Scooby Doo! entering a witchdoctor’s house looking for clues—you kind of already know what kind of nonsense you’re getting yourself into. But her mysticism—broad, careful wording, a firm grasp of generational vanity and provincial foibles—isn’t about specifics.

Really, [...]


Things Bethea Has Offered Me Recently

At some point while signing up for a website that needed proof I was over 21, I entered my birthday as a random day in the 1920s. It was my great good luck that the website then gave my contact information to a woman named Bethea.

November 15 The Precious Seven Princely Frogs of Luck Bracelet, 5 installments of $24.95 Dear EDITH, If you're like me, you probably grew up hearing the lovely tale about a pretty princess who kissed a frog. Upon receiving the kiss of the princess, the frog turned into a handsome prince and they lived happily ever after in a life of royal luxury. [...]


If We Survive October We Can Have a Doomsday Sleepover Party in 2014

"[October] wasn’t, like, tragic. You just had to be careful. People are through the worst now, but late December is worse than October. I don’t know how I’m going to write about this, because I love the holidays. I’m worried about New Year’s Eve. I’m afraid that companies will cut back, people will lose their jobs, couples will fight because they don’t have enough money, people will drink more because of difficulties they're facing…I want everyone to stay home that night and have a few friends over and even buy some air mattresses. It will be fun, like a sleepover."

-There are just 13 days remaining in astrologist [...]


The Planets Are Trying to Tell Us Something

"During this month of May, four bright planets will engage in a fascinating dance with each other in the morning sky. Mercury, Venus, Mars and Jupiter will be involved in a series of conjunctions, joined at the end of the month by a very thin, waning crescent moon. We could even refer to this as a 'celestial summit meeting,' or more precisely, a series of summit meetings during May 2011. Twice during May three planets will converge to form a 'trio.'" —Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter are having their threesome on May 11 (tomorrow); and then Mercury, Venus, and Mars are having theirs on May 21. What will they do? [...]


Susan Miller's Guide to October: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Good news for everyone in September! October will be difficult for us all so get things done immediately–signed sealed and delivered.

— Astrology Zone (@astrologyzone) August 28, 2013

Celebrity astrologist Susan Miller's October report is delayed, and her often eerily accurate website is down, and this is something of a reason to panic, according to a friend I trust on the matter: October, Susan Miller has been warning Twitter for months, will be hell. For everyone. Mercury is in retrograde after October 21, we're told, but really no time this month is safe [...]