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Haley Mlotek

Haley Mlotek

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The 'Loser Edit'

The footage of your loser edit is out there as well, waiting. Taken from the surveillance camera of the gas station where you bought a lottery ticket like a chump. From the A.T.M. that recorded you taking out money for the romantic evening that went bust. From inside the black domes on the ceiling of the train station, the lenses that captured your slow walk up the platform stairs after the doomed excursion. From all the cameras on all the street corners, entryways and strangers’ cellphones, building the digital dossier of your days. Maybe we can’t clearly make out your face in every shot, but everyone knows it’s you. We know you like to slump. Our entire lives as B-roll, shot and stored away to be recut and reviewed at a moment’s notice when the plot changes: the divorce, the layoff, the lawsuit. Any time the producers decide to raise the stakes.

Oof. Colson Whitehead applies the concept of the 'loser edit' to our lives and it is. Just. Very real. Read it, try not to think tooooooo hard about your own loser edit, repeat.

Stress Dreams, Ranked

1. Lost on the New York subway; late to meet a friend; the subway opens up inside a gym where a former co-worker is stationed behind the receptionist desk with the biggest, most sinister smile on her face. READ MORE

"Forget it Drake, it's CanadaTown."

Kelela, "A Message"

Yes.

A Yeezy for all Seasons

I might have landed on a different 32 if I were not trying to incorporate fair representation from all the albums, probably, and pay tribute to all of Kanye’s evolutions. They would have looked different a year ago. They would look different if I didn’t live in New York. They’d look different if I were single, if I had a different relationship history, if I had a different job.

Hairpin friend and frequent source of lipstick inspiration Casey Johnston is contributing some pretty powerful stuff to the Kanye canon; an extensively researched and methodical attempt to determine which Kanye song is her favorite. READ MORE

Deerhoof, “What Have You Done For Me Lately”

There is simply no day of the week that cannot be improved by a cover of a Janet Jackson song but this fact is PARTICULARLY true of Mondays, so here you go, my gift to you, be well you sweet babes.

Face Masks with Absolutely No Placenta Listed in the Ingredients

Here are three face masks I have in current rotation, as well as a guide to using them appropriately and some little-known facts about the restorative powers of slathering a fine layer of goo over your lady face in order to trick a man into thinking you're pretty and then marrying you, lol, shoutout to my husband if he's reading this. None of them contain placenta because I have tried to be open-minded about the fact that The Hairpin is now exclusively a placenta products blog but honestly I am struggling with it at this point in time. READ MORE

Purity Ring, "bodyache"

I, for one, welcome our slowly dancing hypnotically entrancing animatronic lady overlords.

Lupita Nyong'o's Oscar Dress Stolen, Jazmine Hughes Wanted for Further Questioning

Um this is probably unrelated but Jazmine has been lounging in a $150,000 pearl-encrusted Calvin Klein gown all week. Is Jazmine a professional couture thief masquerading as a blogger/Twitter bully?!? Oh my god, this explains so much. Wait she's right behind me ok everyone be cool.