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Lies My Spam Folder Tells Me About Myself

I am single, Christian, and ready to ChristianMingle READ MORE

Your Guide to Blood Donation: The Lazy Person’s Charitable Giving

When I was a teenager, I volunteered as a “blood drive captain” — an inherently geeky and self-serious role in the wide social spectrum of high school. My job was to sign up as many of my classmates as I could ahead of the annual blood drive that was held in the school gym, and to answer a lot of anxious first-time-donor questions. The tiny cheerleaders expressed to me their sincere concern that they might not be able to meet the 110-pound weight minimum. The dudes who drove Camaros to school expressed their sincere concern that they might not be able to avoid smoking cigarettes or drinking beer for a few hours after their donation, as advised, because they were, like, addicted. Everybody got into it, it was great. READ MORE

Olympic Dreams

1. I get lost driving on the way to the stadium on the morning I'm supposed to swim the 200m butterfly, and I miss the race, but when I finally get there, 14-time-gold-medalist Michael Phelps tells me that I've won anyway, and that if he had to lose, he is glad to have lost it to such a worthy adversary. I climb the steps of the podium to accept my gold medal as Michael Phelps, Kerri Strug, and Thom Yorke all chant my name in unison and give me high-fives. READ MORE

Phobias, in Chronological Order

Heliophobia: fear of sunlight READ MORE