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The Instructions Needed to Build an Ikea Bookshelf

1. Place the wooden pegs into the side of the large board. READ MORE

Sliced Bread

Sourdough: Wheat’s gone.
Rye: I can’t believe it.
Sourdough: Sliced by some heartless machine.
Rye: What are we going to do?
Bagel: It’s probably not so bad.
Rye: Shut up, Bagel. READ MORE

A Brief History of The Loud Motorcycle Man

Birth: Screaming, crying.

Years One and Two: Screaming, crying.

Year Three: Screaming, crying, breaking TV.

Year Four: Screaming, crying, breaking new TV.

Years Five through Thirteen: Screaming, crying, breaking rules.

Year Fourteen: Rejected by pretty girl, crying.

Year Fifteen: Pretty girl dates senior who rides motorcycle, crying.

Year Sixteen: Gets driver’s license, crashes car, buys motorcycle, slicks hair, works out, wears leather jacket.

Year Seventeen: Rejected by pretty girl again, screaming, crying, breaking rules.

Year Eighteen: Ignored by pretty girl, sings in mirror, voice cracks during Battle of the Bands, swearing, screaming, crying, sleeping.

Year Nineteen: Pretty girl works at ice cream shop, calls himself “a big ice cream fan,” grows mustache, chews tobacco, shaves mustache. 

Year Twenty: Plays darts at dive bar, washes windows at hardware store, throws pebbles at pretty girl’s window, no response, throws rocks in all of the windows, swearing, crying.

Year Twenty-One: Calls motorcycle La Hog, girl dates college boy, punches college boy, screaming, crying, holding cell.

Year Twenty-Two: Flirts with pretty girl, she says he’s a guy who’ll never leave his hometown, swearing, screaming, crying, removes muffler from motorcycle, drives around her block all night to keep her and the neighbors up, girl moves away, screaming, crying, crying, crying.

Years Twenty-Three through Twenty-Seven: Drives at all hours, loud, screaming, crying, trying to annoy the pretty girl wherever he goes.

Years Twenty-Eight through Thirty: Rests from years on the road, eats, drinks, sleeps, eats, drinks, looks at photo of pretty girl, eats, eats, sleeps, drinks, eats, sleeps.

Year Thirty-One: Pretty girl gets married, screaming, crying, drinking, sighing, trades for biggest motorcycle, removes muffler.

Years Thirty-One through Two-Thirty-Five: Screaming, crying, driving, balding.

Years Thirty-Six to Present: Driving, loud, tattoo of pretty girl, screaming, crying, trying to annoy pretty girl and her husband wherever he goes, crying, driving, annoying everyone else in the process.

Previously: Greek Gods Defending Their Roles in the Current Economic Crisis. 

E.A. Weiss is a writer in New York. Follow him around.

Greek Gods Defending Their Roles in the Current Economic Crisis

Aphrodite, Goddess of Love and Desire: "They never stopped fornicating." READ MORE

Possible Reasons Why There "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone"

She left during a solar eclipse. READ MORE

Fake Books I Asked Librarians For

Don’t Tell Me to Quiet Down: A Story of Revenge READ MORE

The 100 Best Songs to Sing With Friends When the Hurricane Hits

1. 99 Bottles of Beer – A classic that everyone knows. READ MORE

Famous Middle Words

A person’s first words are a momentous occasion and their last words are equally important. Middle words are spoken halfway through a person’s life and illuminate much about their character that would be otherwise lost in their first or last words. Here is a selection of great middle words. READ MORE

Excerpts From My Surburban Elephant Drama

Wanda: Where were you? I waited for two hours. READ MORE