Tax Terms, Explained


This is Seth Rogen's birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.


I Rock Sandals


How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week. READ MORE

My Correspondence with Spam Gary Sinise


Grab Bag Spring Fashion Tips

Listen, I'm not an expert on fashion. I'm a hyperintelligent lab rat who learned to communicate with humans through jokes. I saw an article that said I had to wear a shirt to be en mode, so I'm defaulting to that from now until winter starts again. Wear a shirt, wear a shirt. READ MORE

Interview With My Mom, Who Never Had a Single Moms Club

I rarely have visceral reactions to movie previews, let alone previews for Tyler Perry movies that I am never, ever going to see, but I gaped through a two-minute trailer for The Single Moms Club. Gathered on a broad porch, drinking rosé and sharing laughs, are five single moms, none exhibiting a single dark eye-circle or a frenzied need to get somewhere they’ve forgotten. They look like they smell nice and eat well. They’re laughing. They’re talking about men, ho ho, how can we lock them down? READ MORE

My True Detective Season Recap

[N.B. I have never seen True Detective.] READ MORE

The Freelancers' Cookbook


The Madewell Museum of Human Curiosities, Year 2143

Welcome to the Madewell Museum of Human Curiosities. I am your tour guide, Jornts. If you are descendant from human, please step through this scanner to cleanse your sub-level hybrid body of its hazardous germs. If you are an alien, here is a complimentary Leopold Scone, made from the blood of a Leopold serpent and the essence of DW-40. Slurp it up with your fifty tongues. We won’t watch. READ MORE

Our Clif Bars, Ourselves

First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne. READ MORE

Alternate Diets For Your Brain

Grains are officially killing you. Try something else. READ MORE