Quantcast

You Belong To Me

When I was eight years old, the only thing I wanted to be was president, and Tommy Hanlon told me in front of everyone in my class that I couldn't be. READ MORE

Tips For Taking On the Summer

Summer is a mere three weeks away. Don't get caught with your pants down. READ MORE

PAGE SEVEN: Picking Up Where the "Page Six Spy" Left Off

Yesterday, a "Page Six spy" delivered a report from inside the Kimye wedding. In the future, all aspirational literary references to the "Great American Novel" will be replaced by aspirational literary references to the "Page Six Spy Report." "Florence has bid arrivederci and goodbye to Kanye and Kim," wrote the spy yesterday. "Come back soon, but please, not too soon." READ MORE

Canto Tell Me Nothing: A College Essay Comparing Kanye to Dante

Dayna Evans
Professor Rock
Medieval Studies 101
22 May 2014 READ MORE

My Eulogy According to My Amazon.com Orders

Dayna was a great woman, a kind woman. Some might say a generous woman. Her generosity showed when she ordered a dozen or whatever blue orchids on Amazon the day before Mother's Day and forgot to write in the "Do you want to attach a note?" box. Her mother was thrilled by the flowers, but confused by their delivery. READ MORE

How to Enjoy A Rainy Day

THINK OF WORSE STUFF

Cirque du Soleil

A Capella music

The way your dentist's hands smell

I have to put an IKEA chair together later, so you can put "Dayna Evans" on this list

Cities with restrictive open container policies

Sugar-free jam

Bats

DAVE EGGERS

Brainstorm ten tags that Dave Eggers might use if he were a graffiti artist. I'm going with Dick Socket first, HACK as a close second.

UPGRADE ADOBE READER

You cannot live one more day with that fucking red box startling the living shit out of you when you're trying to Gchat. Just upgrade it. It takes two minutes, not even. 90 seconds.

WHAT'S UP WITH OSLO

Lots of smoked fish. Golden beer. People wearing shirts. Women with hair, in shoes. A library. Probably in Norway or the Netherlands but who can be sure?

Buy a plane ticket! That's fun. 

THE SUN

Is it really that great.

MEETUP.COM

I think this a website where you can meet people who also like Swiss chard, but you're about to change the game up. Create a login and make a Meetup for RAIN SUX. Set the location for: your house. Time: now.

Watch as people are like,

"But, DanityKane568, how are we supposed to meet up?"

"This isn't very community-friendly."

"Should we get an administrator involved?"

"Let's just block her from Meetup.com forever."

Today's first success. Congratulations.

BURNING MAN

"I'd like to barter this one abysmal crock of horseshit rainy day for your rainbow light-up love gloves from the furthest distant space star that you've had contact with, Meadow."

DID YOU UPGRADE ADOBE READER

I can't believe I even have to ask this again.

 

Photo via roger4336/flickr.

Previously: How to Take Advantage of Rhubarb Season

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.

How to Take Advantage of Rhubarb Season

MAKE A PIE

Go to the liquor store and get margarita mix and a handle of tequila. Set up a Facebook invite called "PIE PARTY," making sure to invite every woman you know, but especially the girl with the food blog.

Guests begin to arrive.

"Where's this pie?" Julia asks. She's wearing a tea-length cocktail dress and carrying a chartreuse felt clutch.

"Here's a margarita. Be right back."

Three hours later, the food blog girl will have made you and all your guests a pie. She had some spare vegetable shortening in her purse.

PUNK'D

Tell your 10-year-old cousin that rhubarb is celery dipped in blood.

CROSS HATCH CHAIR

You're not much of a crafter but a cool idea for a chair is if you took 16 stalks of rhubarb and cross hatched them into a seat. You've also never used Pinterest but see how many pins you can get from this idea. Count up all your pins, luxuriate in the validation.

RHUBARBARA

Fact: All moms are named Barbara.

CANDELABRA

Is a menorah a candelabra? Are 10 candles better than one? Can you stuff a handful of rhubarb stalks into a glass filled with oil and make it a homemade scent diffuser? Sell this idea to Pier 1 Imports, you are a fucking genius. 

CAN IT

Make another Facebook invite for a "CANNING PARTY." You're going to have to invite different people since the last party lost you the trust of nearly every woman in your circle. This time, with the second tier invitees, suggest wearing bonnets and canning rhubarb to last through the winter harvest.

"Sry, can't make it to this one!" an ex-coworker named Natalie posts.

"Me either! Got plans with Jeremy!" another contributes.

Can 30 pounds of rhubarb by yourself on a Friday night while listening to Aretha Franklin. The next morning, leave one jar on all your friends' doorsteps. In gold Sharpie on the lid you have written, "CAN I LIVE."

You're getting good at this crafting shit.

BEAKER?

Is rhubarb Beaker from the Muppets?

THIS COULD BE US

But you playin'.

 

Previously: Tax Terms, Explained

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.

Tax Terms, Explained

APRIL 15

This is Seth Rogen's birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.

IRS

I Rock Sandals

READ MORE

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week. READ MORE

My Correspondence with Spam Gary Sinise

READ MORE