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Thursday, January 29, 2015

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I mean, I often sit in my bath and think, "You know what element is missing here? Something...tangy." | January 29, 2015

The Sporting Contest As Metaphor For Life: A Consideration In Verse

What Time Is The Super Bowl?

The Super Bowl is always now.
It takes place every minute.
It doesn't happen somewhere else
Just look around—you're in it.

You start out full of faith and hope
and joy for what will be.
You end up with your brains bashed in
and fractures in your knee.

Your arms are sore, your legs are weak
Your mouth is slack and muddy.
You've wet yourself and crapped your pants
The rest of you is bloody. READ MORE

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What Is It, Jessica Williams Day?

If so, I'm ok with that. Here she is in Cosmo:

How has your feminism affected your dating life?
A lot. I can be pretty harsh and judgmental. I'm a very harsh and judgmental person. I like morals, right and wrong, I like to see things in black-and-white when I can, so I will hold a lot of guys to an impossible standard. So that really effects my dating, but it also cuts out a lot of bozos. I got no time for bozos. As soon as I meet a guy who's like, "Hey, what's up, my sista?" I'm like, "Come on, dude." Then I'm like, "Cool, I'm not going to date this person." I'm not going to take this guy to the bone zone, as I eloquently call it.

I look for a man who respects my womanhood and doesn't make me feel like I have to be a stereotype. Like a housewife. I don't think I'll ever be a housewife. I don't know how to cook. I work a lot. So, for me then, it's important to find a man who can cook. Who will make the house a home more than I can. You need someone who is fluid, gender-wise. Sometimes it makes me so anxious, and I get so much anxiety, because I'm like, Well, maybe I should be this; maybe I should be this housewife and be kind of like my mother and take care of the home. But that's not what I want. So I feel like, as a woman of this time, we're often now fighting and coming to terms with what our mothers want us to be or what we feel like we're supposed to be and who we really are and what we really want to do.

and Uproxx:

Most everything I’ve read about you is positive. You seem very popular on the Internet.
You know what it is? People get very possessive about their shows. You’re probably a little possessive about SNL because you’ve been watching it for a really long time.

That’s possible.
So with me being on The Daily Show, people are critical because it’s been on for a long time. People love Colbert, so everybody is always comparing me to Colbert or Corddry or Riggle or something like that. So it starts off, people can be very mean and critique the show and talk to you about how you can improve, which is crazy because you’re doing a really hard thing – a very vulnerable thing. I am in no way an athlete, but it’s how I feel about people who are fans of sports and how people can look at it and be like, “Fuck Kobe, I can’t believe Kobe didn’t land that shit.” So, at first, that was really hard because I really care and it’s very distressing. I want to make sure that you like it and you think I’m good for the show. But that was driving me crazy, so now the more that I do the show, the more I care less a little bit.

I do think people get used to their favorites.
They do.

Then when someone new shows up, it’s hard to get used to it. Like, Taran Killam shows up on SNL and it’s like, “Who is this guy?” Now he’s brilliant.
Right! Yep. And I got a lot of when I first started on the show, “Oh, a black woman is just on the show because Jon needed a black woman.”

People said that?
Yeah, like, “Who’s this fucking black lady doing the show now? Jon only hired her because of this.” I got a lot of that.

In addition to being inspiring as all hell, she's also the Senior Beyoncé Correspondent, and don't you forget it.

Inspiring New Film Explores What It Takes 'To Be a Dad'

Brought to you by The Bold New Camry | Toyota.

Before you watch this you might want to grab some tissues, because some of the stories from these incredible dads and the obstacles they’ve overcome will make you cry. In this short film, Toyota teamed up with director Lauren Greenfield to ask the question, “Is being a good dad something you learn from your parents or a choice you make on your own?” What we learned was as emotional as it was inspirational.

Even as we filmed this piece, we couldn’t help but reexamine what kind of fathers we are vs. the kind of dads we could be. What are we doing right? What could we do better? And what does the role of father mean in the modern world? When other dads out there watch this film, perhaps they’ll ask themselves the same questions. Because as one of the dads, Jasen Govine, so eloquently stated, “As dads, we’re all works in progress and all we can do is try to get better every day.”

Check out the video above honoring dads everywhere. Honor your dad. Tweet us photos of him using #OneBoldChoice to join our big game celebration.

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Mean Emojis: Coming Soon to a Phone Near You

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MEAN EMOJIS-page-002
READ MORE

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Kanye West, "Only One"

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What huh no I don't know these aren't tears there are absolutely no fluids exiting my eyeballs at this moment I mean how do I know that you're not crying oh God I gotta go.

UPDATE: ajsdhfjasdhfjsdnf

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Ask Baba Yaga: How Do I Form Female Bonds?

Baba female friends
Transcript after the jump. READ MORE

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Unofficial Official Hairpin 3.0 Book Club: Watch The Movie

the-pillow-book
I don’t watch very many movies. I like sitcoms, and books, and not much in between. I find I have a terrible attention span when it comes to movies; I blame the Internet. The only movies I remember from 2014 are Tammy and the last Hunger Games one. Have you seen Tammy? Vastly underrated. Melissa McCarthy is a national treasure. But I loved The Pillow Book, the book, (great book club pick, me!) and was curious to see how they would adapt it into a movie. I took notes while watching it last night in my actual copy of The Pillow Book:

metatext

How’s that for metatextual? *holds up hand for high five* *realizes nobody is going to return said high five* *pretends to have been swatting at an errant fly all along*

Should we watch the movie real quick? READ MORE

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The Best Time I Had Bed Bugs While Housesitting For Someone Else

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I was very sure it was not bed bugs.

I was so, so sure.

In fact, I knew it was not bed bugs because I had done some extensive googling and cream buying and had gone to the doctor and decided what it really was was an obscure skin condition called Polymorphic Light Eruption.

Polymorphic Light Eruption is a skin rash caused by exposure to the sun affecting approximately 1 in 10 European women. Damn you, England, I thought to myself, damn you straight to hell. But secretly I was relieved.

My doctor was less convinced. “To be honest, it looks more like scabies or bed bugs or something,” she said. I snorted. To be fair, she had literally just googled “scabies rash” in front of me, so my smug doubt was, I felt, somewhat justified. The itchy, red bumps decorating my arms, back and chest were clearly PMLE (the abbreviation used by My Community), and all I needed to do was never go outside in the sun again, fine.

I went home from the doctor and tore the sheets off the bed. Eggs. READ MORE

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Who Should We Listen To?

This summer during the Transom Traveling Workshop on Catalina workshop, I produced my first public radio piece. While writing my script, I was suddenly gripped with a deep fear about my ability to narrate my piece. As I read the script back to myself while editing, I realized that as I was speaking aloud I was also imagining someone else’s voice saying my piece. The voice I was hearing and gradually beginning to imitate was something in between the voice of Roman Mars and Sarah Koenig. Those two very different voices have many complex and wonderful qualities. They also sound like white people. My natural voice — the voice that I most use when I am most comfortable — doesn’t sound like that. Thinking about this, I suddenly became self-conscious about the way that I instinctively alter my voice and way of speaking in certain conversational contexts, and I realized that I didn’t want to do that for my first public radio style piece.

Of course, I’m not alone in facing this challenge. Journalists of various ethnicities, genders and other identity categories intentionally or unintentionally internalize and “code-switch” to be consistent with culturally dominant “white” styles of speech and narration.

Chenjerai Kumanyika, a public radio host, has written a telling essay about the proliferation of code-switching in the radio and podcast industry, and the impression that one has to "sound white" in order to sound professional; couple that with this week's This American Life (arguably, the whitest podcast in all the land, but I generally fall asleep before finishing a complete episode so what do I know) on disrespect for female hosts with vocal fry, and this is what we we learn to be true: people just want to listen to white men. READ MORE

How I Got My Pre-Baby Body Back

Like Beyonce, by the time I gave birth, I weighed nearly two hundred pounds because, like Kim Kardashian, I suffered from a condition called preeclampsia. This causes, often later in pregnancy, high blood pressure and fast gains in weight from fluid retention. It’s miserable, but by the end, I was a little too preoccupied—new baby, slash in the abdomen—to really marvel at the state of affairs on the scale. I noted it, in passing, without remarking on it to anyone. I didn’t panic or feel like a failure for having gained more than the recommended twenty-five to thirty-five pounds for one baby; it was the most minor fact in a week full of overwhelming and sometimes alarming data.

The day that I found out I was pregnant, when I stepped on the scale, it said that I weighed 134.5 pounds. That number had been my regular weight for about five years, slowly rising a bit or falling with my state of mind, my moods, the seasons of the year.

I’d never dieted or exercised very regularly as an adult, and I didn’t worry very much about what I ate or drank. But pregnancy changed all of that. As I moved through the months, I began to watch what I ingested, not for myself or the fear of a rising number on the scale—I knew that couldn’t be avoided—but for the health of the baby. I noticed what a poor diet I had, sometimes going almost a full day without eating anything at all. I now tried to eat a "balanced" one. I became more active and conscientious about my lifestyle. Though I’ve always loved walking, I started to make a real chore of it; I’d walk an extra few miles a day. It was invigorating, and I noticed, more than the physical change, that I felt better emotionally.

READ MORE

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A User's Guide to Raising Your New Puppy While Remaining Sort Of Sane

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1. First of all, your puppy is an idiot.

2. Give the puppy a name that reminds it every day what an idiot it is. We recommend: Grandpa Pajamas, Mrs. Boob, Waffles.

3. Your puppy is a coldhearted idiot. You will know this to be true the next time it looks you straight in the eye and pees on your carpet.

4. Don't get lured in by expensive puppy swag. Deodorizers and "Thundershirts" are bullshit. Wrap the puppy in sheets like a mummy if you need it swaddled and use white vinegar when it shits on the floor.

5. It will shit all over the floor. READ MORE

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"The smoke from this plant causes a brief state of euphoria, immediately followed by permanent insanity."

This anti-pot propoganda video "from the 1970s" promises to tell you The Blunt Truth about marijuana, and, guys, I think it's something you really need to hear.

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Jessica Pratt, "On Your Own Love Again"


Jessica Pratt's second album was released yesterday and I like it very much—I think you would like it too!

I also liked her interview with Stereogum yesterday, particularly this part:

STEREOGUM: It sounds like there’s a lot of room on the record for people who are off on their own or difficult to be in relationships with. Even on “Strange Melody” the phrase I kept coming back to was ’You can’t see me/ The better half of a strange melody.’ How do you relate to that personally?

PRATT: Lyrical content is great when it’s abstract enough for people to have the space to project their own psychic things onto. That’s how you bond with songs. Relationships can be a lot more complex than you ever imagined as a younger person. From ages twenty to thirty five when you’re really going through your first batch of serious relationships, you have a lot of these fairly elementary realizations about human interaction: how everybody is kind of fucked up and there’s no real getting around that. And you’ve got to find people who are fucked up in the right ways to complement you for a while. It was a heavy period of discovery for me in that way that resulted in those songs.

Download the album here.

(h/t my friend Will, he doesn't have Twitter because he's a perfect human being but he has excellent taste in music so even if I can't link to him in the traditional way I want to acknowledge that he sent this to me. I guess he has an Instagram so follow him there, maybe if you're lucky he'll post more music recommendations. Thanks Will!!)

(Sugar) Baby's First Date

whiskeysourOn a recent Wednesday, my friend Annie1 went on her first date with a man she met through SeekingArrangement.com, the self-proclaimed “leading Sugar Daddy dating site.” Annie, a "Sugar Baby," has been looking for what the site calls a "mutually beneficial relationship.” In exchange for companionship, the perks for Sugar Babies can include “financial stability,” “experienced men,” and being “pampered.” A day after her date with a Sugar Daddy, she told me about her experience.

James2 was one of the first people I talked to on SeekingArrangement. There are a lot of guys who just trawl the site for the second there's a new profile to instantly favorite and message; that makes you feel adored, because you’ve literally just made an account, and then you feel like, "Oh my god! I'm so popular already!" But James just looked at my profile and didn’t do anything. I checked his profile and thought it was funny, so I was offended that he hadn’t said anything to me. So, I messaged him; I very much pursued him because I was pissed that he wasn’t paying attention to me. His original messages were pretty removed and not the most authentic seeming, so I just kept chatting him and trying to tease it out. Then it became this thing where he was clearly being much more authentic than I was, or, at least, appearing to be.

We talked for a solid month, at least, maybe a tiny bit longer. The original plan was to meet for drinks on Monday, go shopping, eat a nice dinner, and then probably get drinks at the bar of the hotel where he was staying. He messaged me to try to meet at an exceedingly fancy restaurant on Tuesday night, which I wish I could have done, except he ended up having a meeting with a celebrity. So, we just got drinks at around eleven on Wednesday, at the hotel bar, which was very chill and swanky. I walked into the lobby, where we had agreed to meet. I didn’t see him, and I was definitely the youngest person there. All of a sudden he appeared and was just like, “So, you’re here!” He was dressed really nicely, in a button-down shirt underneath a blazer, slacks and horn-rimmed glasses. He was very, very metrosexual, which surprised me because I’d imagined him as this pretty manly, kind of goofy dude. He was gentlemanly and pulled out my chair when we sat down at the bar.

I tried very hard to make sure we sat close, but also to make sure that ours knees wouldn’t touch—I didn’t want to do anything even remotely intimate, because at that point I had no idea how I felt about the entire situation. James kept complimenting me and telling me how glad he is that we could meet up because I’m always out doing something or meeting someone and how charming he thinks it is that I’m so social. The weirdest thing about it was how it was just like, pretty normal in terms of what we talked about. We talked about movies, art museums, the housing market, and his job. It came up that his real name wasn’t James, it’s Alan3. (I found out his last name as well, because he said it when he set up the tab at the bar, and it turns out that he’s totally Googleable: He’s really what he says he is on his profile and teaches at an Ivy League university.) READ MORE