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Not Like Most Girls

I’m not like most girls. I don’t care about being beautiful. I mean, I am super beautiful. Like, magazine beautiful. But I don’t care about that.

I’m not like most girls. I drink regular soda, not that diet shit. This is my most important defining characteristic.

I’m not like most girls. I’m more like one of the guys, in that I have guy friends, and we get along, except when we don’t. You wouldn’t understand.

I’m not like most girls. I never played with Barbie dolls. I had Spiderman and Luke Skywalker action figures, and they lived in a Pink Dream House together, but that’s it.

I’m not like most girls. I don’t like drama. Unless we are talking about gritty crime dramas directed by Martin Scorsese.

I’m not like most girls. I don’t go in for that prissy Mariah Carey crap. I’m into real music. Like Slipknot.

I’m not like most girls who expect their boyfriend to buy them expensive gifts or cater to their every move or make eye contact ever.

I’m not like most girls. I love rough sex. Slapping, hair pulling, chainsaw play. I love it all.

I’m not like most girls. I like to play rough sports, like hockey and football, and wrestle with my friends. Sometimes I like to put cigarettes out on my hand just to feel something.

I’m not like most girls. I have the world’s largest cubic zirconia sitting on my coffee table. Most girls don’t have that.

I’m not like most girls. I like to eat tacos and cheeseburgers and chili fries and road kill and jalapeno poppers and beer.

I’m not like most girls. The only labels I care about clothing are the ones that tell me if it’s dry clean only. (I’m also not like most girls in that I never dry clean. I wash all my laundry in river water and spit.)

I’m not like most girls. I burp and fart and poop. I have a functioning digestive system.

I’m not like most girls. I menstruate glitter.

I’m not like most girls. I hate wearing makeup. I’d rather wear the blood of my enemies.

I’m not like most girls. I don’t get wigged out over spiders or cockroaches, because I have learned to master them as a species, and have them do my bidding.

I’m not like most girls. I’m three kids in a trench coat.

I’m not like most girls. I’m actually Hannibal Lecter wearing a girl mask.

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I am exactly like most girls. I am a normal human female. There is nothing suspicious about me. No, I do not know anything about that mysterious spaceship crash in this neighborhood last week. Stop asking me that. Are there any important political leaders in town with whom we can discuss Rick Gosling? Yes, Ryan. That’s what I meant to say. Ryan Gosling.

Anna Fitzpatrick writes about books and pop culture and has a rich inner life, even when Haley is not around.

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