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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

14

I Swear I'm Going to Be a Really Cool Bride

so chillHello esteemed women in my life!

I know what you’re thinking: not another wedding! I’m probably like the billionth one of your friends to get engaged this year and clutter your Facebook newsfeed with our big announcement (we only posted it there for our families – so obnoxious!) So thanks again for agreeing to be a part of our “special day.” Ew!

First of all, just want to say I’m so excited to have you all as my bridesmaids, which, yuck, is totally the worst word ever. You aren’t my “maids”; you’re my best friends and also adult women whom I admire deeply! It’s just another aspect of the wedding-industrial complex that Brayden and I were hoping to avoid by simply eloping, but our parents would have killed us! Rest assured, if it were up to me, we wouldn’t even have a wedding seeing as they’re nothing more than a patriarchal charade designed to drain one’s life savings. We’re basically just doing it because our families would be SO crushed if we didn’t. Plus they’re paying for it so we really have no choice :(

So we’re going to suck it up and have a wedding, but we’re doing it our way: untraditional to say the least! Don’t think of yourselves as my bridesmaids, think of yourselves as my friends who are attending my wedding, or attendants!

First and foremost: there will be no ugly bridesmaids dresses! Making you all wear the same dress is just not my thing. So just pick out a knee-length chiffon dress in any shade on the salmon to coral color spectrum. And yes, rose, peach, blush, and rosé do fall within that spectrum. Just no PINK please!! I’m trying to keep our wedding from being too gender normative. Remember, have fun with it! Make it your own!

Next thing: the bouquets. I know, I know: could they be a thinner metaphor for the fact that I’m now eligible to lose my virginity according to society’s double standards for women? I might as well have all of us walk down the aisle carrying photos of vaginas! But I mean if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it right, you know? That’s why I’m having orchids imported from Africa!! (Thing is, they only ship to the East Coast because they have to be transported by boat!!!! Allie you could probably pick them up? They also need to be driven across the country to our venue [a golf club in Santa Monica, but like, a cool golf club] but that can totally be on your own schedule! I know you just had a baby so let me know what works, it just has to be like 1-2 days before the wedding so anywhere within that window is perfecto!)

Also: speeches! This should be the fun part of the night, a chance to really leave your personal, unique stamp on our crazy little “wedding”–if you can even call it that! Katie, as my best friend and MOH the speech is totally on you, girlfriend! Let’s hope your childhood stutter doesn’t resurface! Haha JK JK don’t stress it. But in case it does come back I have Brayden’s cousin on standby to do a speech because she’s the current Poet Laureate, so that should help take the pressure off of you. You’re going to do so great! Anything goes, just really have fun with it! And make sure to send a copy to me a week beforehand so I can make sure it fits in with the theme of the night, which is definitely laid back, low-key, off the cuff.

And I know most other brides demand a lot of their bridesmaids: throw me a shower! Come to all my wedding dress fittings! Now throw me a bachelorette party! That’s so not me! I don’t even want a shower, to be honest. They’re weird and outdated! Instead of a shower let’s just get together and have a cute little brunch, sip some champagne, play some fun hokey wedding-themed games, eat some cake, open some presents, and just hang out us gals! Just let me know who wants to host this informal gathering!

Thank you so much you guys! I know this wedding stuff is so stupid but hopefully I’ll be the most laid back bride you’ve ever been a maid to LOL!

Oh and if you could, can you guys be sure to post and share our proposal video? Brayden spent a lot of money on that flash mob so we’re hoping to get to at least 100,000 views. So stupid, I know, but it’s the least you could do.

Xoxoxo,
Future Mrs. Brayden Duvet

 

 

 

Laura is a writer/actress/improviser living in New York City. She performs weekly at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and has appeared on MTV's Hey GirlComedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer, and has written for Girl Code, Cosmopolitan, The Date Report, and Nerve. She does all her tweeting via @Laura_Willcox on Twitter.com



14 Comments / Post A Comment

inthepost

I loved this as soon as I read the title, but then "Brayden" and I giggle-snorted and got shushed by my whole office.

So real.

milenakent

Amazing, it's really amazing!!!@n

Jaya

I just got married and tried so hard to be the laid back bride and OH GOD IT'S TOO REAL

Carly Romeo@facebook

Wedding photog here, laughing through my tears. Would love too see Mrs Brayden Wilcox's letter to her wedding photographer, which is probably like "I don't think we need a lot of formal shots, but just so we keep everything in order here's a list of 35 family groupings I definitely want. Gotta please the fam! :)" and "I know it's totally cliche and basically meaningless and that engagement rings are like totally a sexist tradition but can you just maybe put my engagement ring inside this rosebud and make sure you get at least maybe just 10 angles on that? THANKS XOXO"

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

"So just pick out a knee-length chiffon dress in any shade on the salmon to coral color spectrum. And yes, rose, peach, blush, and rosé do fall within that spectrum. Just no PINK please!!"

oh my gosh, I can totally relate. I know a bride whose wedding was almost RUINED when the bridesmaid dresses came in and they looked more like a pale pink than blush. Like, she was dead-set on blush, you guys! Why else would her bridesmaids agree to pay $500 on a dress they can't wear again* if the dresses AREN'T GOING TO BE BLUSH? jk it was totally fine she got married anyway

* weddings are expensive. she should know! btw have you seen the magazine that posted a bunch of her wedding pictures?

STM
STM

I'm getting married in 11 days and huuurrgghlllurgllghhhughhhh

idrathernot

Definitely carrying pictures of vaginas down the aisle at any future weddings I attend/maid/have

TenyaLuna

Bwa! And god yes, the 'oh noes I'm totally being a cool bride, nooo issues or worries, everything is just great' except until it all crashes down.

Although at my wedding the bouquet holders were uteri (from http://anycornerofheaven.tumblr.com/post/10323825555/uterus-menstrual-cup-cozy-pattern), close enough to vagina pictures, right?

517605522@twitter

So funny. As a wedding planner I see this a lot! Somehow the wedding planning crazies take over even the sanest brides & grooms.

heyderpette

Oh god, this is too real. I have "laidback bride" experiences in my back pocket. Bride #1 actually was laidback and cool, only her other bridesmaids decided to make up for her lack of bridezillaness. Bride #2 isn't bad, but she did make me buy a dress that I'll never wear again and really wants these big exciting bachelorette weekend thingies that I just. can't. afford. Bride #3, my dear best friend, is planning her wedding from across the country and has all these expectations on dresses and one bridesmaid (who is actually Bride #2, fun fact) is like "she's totally a bridezilla!!!" and I'm kinda sad to say that she sort of is being one a little bit. B#3 is just going to want everything to be perfect. And so many things are going to go wrong. I hope she'll be ok with that.

ANYWAY I really will be a cool laidback bride because if I marry the dude I'm seeing (which I hope I do) he's planning the affair because he's the one who actually cares. I just wanna eat food with people and say HEY GUYS I LOVE YOU FOR BEING HERE!!! I don't want showers or bachelorette parties or limos or matching dresses and honestly I just don't care that much about colour schemes anyways. And rings? I don't want a single ring on my person ever. I lose that shit.

adorable-eggplant

@heyderpette "I just wanna eat food with people and say HEY GUYS I LOVE YOU FOR BEING HERE!!!" 100% yes.

grizzle_bees

BRAYDEN DUVET. This absolutely broke me.

saul "the bear" berenson

Jesus chris, this is so it.

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