Tuesday, August 19, 2014


Dude Text Decoded

I just wanna leave my number.

We dudes can be a confusing, emotionally constipated, nearly-illiterate group of horndogs with smartphones. And since it’s 2014 and most people are paralyzed by the idea of speaking into a phone receiver, we must fumble our path to fornication via cryptic texts which barely constitute as flirting, let alone communication, most of the time.

But hey! I’m a dumb dude with thumbs and a libido! So let me pull back the Old Spice-scented curtain and let you peek inside the mind of the modern bro’s texting intentions:

hey = I am scared, unfathomably scared.

sup? = Please do not discover my insane insecurities, I do not feel cool. Ever.

what are you up to tonight? = I can’t even begin to explain the intense, deep loneliness brewing within me and one more night alone, eating cheeseburgers in my underwear, watching The Wire (have you seen The Wire?) is such a daunting dive into the abyss that I will undoubtedly break.

are you into comedy? i know a good improv show tonight = I miss my mother.

lol = What are you wearing? Will you send me a pic? Why not?

haha = You amuse me. You make me ungodly nervous but you amuse me. Also, I am masturbating.

hehe = I am a little boy, lost in the wilderness of arrested development.

*dick pic* = I am wholly unprepared to become a father nor provide an emotionally stable platform for us to bond upon.

do you like music? = I am grasping for connectivity in the pitch black of human despair.

wanna watch a movie? = Want to come over and let me mansplain a basic film school staple for twenty minutes before pressing play and then ungracefully start gripping at your supple thighs and putting my hands in your pants before the second act? Please?

my roommate’s not home ;) = There is a monster under my bed.

any plans tonight? my friends are doing this thing… = You are an immaculate specimen of femininity, intelligence, and grace, from which I cower and shrink, completely ill-equipped to handle you on my own, which requires the support of my band of flunkies, flunkies with dead eyes who will unnecessarily judge and test you throughout the evening.

you up? = The cold grip of isolation has wrapped itself ‘round my skinny throat, dragging me, breathlessly, into the ice of non-existence, and the only temporary distraction from this ever-present feeling is a sloppy 3 AM tear-soaked copulation with the added bonus of waking in a foreign room and briefly forgetting that I am waking as myself once more.

wanna go to a dive bar? = The absence of my father affects my life in deep, irreversible ways.

meet me in the bathroom ;) = And cradle me like a newborn as I crumble from an anxiety attack.

k = You can do no wrong. You are a goddess, and I, your slave.

i thought of you earlier today = A passing American Apparel bus ad got my blood pumping earlier today because I am an animal who arouses at the slightest insinuation of sex and now that I’m thinking about it I was wondering if I could plant the seed of a hangout earlier in the day to later quell these intense urges I can not seem to control, which, honestly, are tearing me and our society apart.

did you have a good time last night? = Please do not abandon me like all the others.

is everything ok with your grandpa? = Touch my penis.

*bread emoji* = I love you.

28 Comments / Post A Comment


maybe this kind of gender essentialist post would not be so boring to me if it were funnier or more clever or interesting. i hate to be harsh, but no thx.


@tofuswalkman k


@tofuswalkman Basically this. Saw headline, expected funny and maybe even insightful, but...wah-wah.


@mymymyriah i hate to leave a negative comment on the 'pin but yeah......


@tofuswalkman i hate to be harsh/i hate to leave a negative comment...are you sure?

Jolly Farton

@AlanHanson Did you mean "k" as in k, or "k" as in "You can do no wrong. You are a goddess, and I, your slave"? Inquiring minds.

Cool it with the defensive replies to comments, dude. It doesn't make you look good.


Haha, oh man, this really hit home for me, and I'm not even a dude! Funny stuff.


*bread emoji*

Jackysaurus Rex

This piece is a good mix of light/dark humor. Keep em coming!


Is the bread emoji a reference to Eddie Izzard??


Fuck the haters; I chuckled to myself multiple times reading this.


I know you mean well, dude, but, come on. "Reading Between the Texts" on old Hairpin (uh oh, sorry, guys), was better, funnier, etc. Maybe read it? Link to it? Remember days of yore?


@truelove seconded.

Tarot si o no

Ha,ha,ha, how fun i can't stop laughing lol.

Tarot gratuito

Vera Knoop

"We dudes..."
Ehh, no thanks.


@TATAbox ME TOO Also forwarded to my bf who insisted on *speaking* on the phone when met on OKC and now only texts. :)

Jeff Hardy

This piece is a good mix of light/dark humor. Keep em coming Pam Dawber Net Worth and Body Measurements


meet me in the bathroom ;) = And cradle me like a newborn as I crumble from an anxiety attack. , this words make me smile whole day .. like a livescore , nonstop update 24 hours :D

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