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Thursday, July 17, 2014

12

Better Yoga Poses: A Daily Routine

Nailed itSmelly Dog

Go to a public park and get in Downward Facing Dog. Rip a fart directly at each park-goer who passes behind you.

Toddler Pose

Assume the Child's Pose, then start sobbing loudly. Pound your fists on the floor while wailing. The louder you cry, the more you're working your core. Demand cheddar Goldfish and a sippy cup of chocolate milk to replenish your energy when you’re finished.

The Vengeful Lotus

Sit cross-legged in front of your computer at 2 a.m. with your browser open to your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's healthy living blog. Scroll down, seething at every "creative, delicious, and totally satisfying" raw food recipe you come across. Really stretch out those fingers by G-chatting a friend every grammatical error you find.

The Safe Space

Wait until your coworker starts telling you about her [juice cleanse/ baby shower/ misbehaving cat] then slowly ease your head forward until you're facedown on your keyboard. Lift both arms, and embrace your own head. Rock back and forth, back and forth.

Stealthy Ghost

Every day, sneak into the last five minutes of a yoga class in your neighborhood. When the instructor tells the class “namaste,” screech like a banshee and pelt her with tiny rocks. 

Reflecting Starfish

Lay facedown on your bed with arms and legs outstretched so that you're covering as much space as you possibly can. Variation: Screaming Starfish.

Peaceful Chugger

Breathe deeply. Twist your upper body around, then put a coconut water up your butt.

Love and light.

The Wake-Up Call

Go to Lululemon and spend $90 on yoga pants. When you return home, wrap the spandex pant legs around your neck and pull tighter and tighter until you lose consciousness.

 

Previously: The Weather Channel Apocalypse

Photo via gotshoo/flickr.

Gabriella Paiella writes (and tweets) from Brooklyn. Yes, her name rhymes.



12 Comments / Post A Comment

spinning2heads

This was funny, and I was just laughing and thinking who to share it with when I got the the end. Suicide jokes = not funny anymore. And now I can't safely post it anywhere or share it with anyone. Sigh.

puncturedbicycle

@spinning2heads I read it as a kind of temporary loss of consciousness - ? Like a 'make it stop' fingers in ears thing, not a death wish. So if you did post it maybe others would also take a lighter view. Just a thought. :-)

DrSnorkington

@spinning2heads
I thought it was pretty hilarious and I've been suicidally depressed and have been touched by suicide in my life.

I'm not saying this to invalidate your experience, just to offer a different perspective.

puncturedbicycle

@DrSnorkington Yes to all those things you said with more active sensitivity than I did.

vittoriama

Reason to hold on. <3 @v

2655215756@twitter

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thixotropic

Awww... that wasn't a suicide reference, I'm sure of it. I too thought of it as merely being about passing out, or possibly enjoying a little autoerotic asphyxiation. No, people shouldn't do that because dangerous, but it's really okay to share your joke. Besides, why should suicide jokes suddenly not be okay? People have been killing themselves since the dawn of time, and telling jokes (on any subject) neither encourages nor dissuades them. My ex-gf (and dear friend) killed herself last year, and she would never have wanted anyone to change their behavior because of it; least of all would she want them to stop making any kind of a joke about it.

As for the poses, my fave was the Peaceful Chugger. Caught me by surprise, that one did :D

thixotropic

Awww... that wasn't a suicide reference, I'm sure of it. I too thought of it as merely being about passing out, or possibly enjoying a little autoerotic asphyxiation. No, people shouldn't do that because dangerous, but it's really okay to share your joke. Besides, why should suicide jokes suddenly not be okay? People have been killing themselves since the dawn of time, and telling jokes (on any subject) neither encourages nor dissuades them. My ex-gf (and dear friend) killed herself last year, and she would never have wanted anyone to change their behavior because of it; least of all would she want them to stop making any kind of a joke about it.

As for the poses, my fave was the Peaceful Chugger. Caught me by surprise, that one did :D

Chals Xevior@facebook

Very interesting and impressive article

To See more Click here

vexosaurus

BTW, this is the best enchilada recipe ever, if you've still got the craving. (And if you're feeling lazy, you can sub the salsa for jarred, but then they'll only be good enchiladas, not The Best Ever.)
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/chicken-enchiladas-with-roasted-tomatillo-chile-salsa-recipe.html

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