A Smart Girl’s Guide To Responding To Pop Stars

We’ve all been there: You’re having a great day, just hangin’ out with your friends, enjoying your space, when one of those pesky pop stars shows up thinking he can seduce you with his sexist lyrics and gyrating hips. Sometimes it’s so vulgar and obscene you’re flabbergasted and stand there, wondering what you should say! Well, wonder no more. Here’s a handy guide of appropriate responses and clever come-backs that will banish the know-nothing chauvinists who have somehow weaseled their way onto the radio.

IF HE SAYS: 

Tiesto

YOU SHOULD SAY:

Ok, first of all, not a big deal or anything, but just so you don’t get embarrassed in the future: it’s “LIE in it instead” not “LAY in it instead.” Lay is the past-tense of lie. That’s a common mistake. Don’t be too bummed out about it—language is evolving and everything, I’m just saying.

Now that that’s out of the way: You don’t get to decide how much I have to drink when I hang out with you. I don’t really care how much you “like it better.” I mean, you can go ahead and get wasted all you want, but I gotta warn you, you’re kind of a sloppy drunk. Maybe you think that whole throwing-yourself-on-the-bed-where-I-JUST-folded-my-laundry-while-I’m-getting-you-a-glass-of-water move is sexy, but I don’t know WHY. I’m much more interested in spending my time with people who want to have conversations with me in which they are able to complete sentences and remember topics. Pro tip: sober up, dance like no one’s watching, and then see if you can make an honest connection with another human being, OK?

Also, please fix my laundry. You fucked it up, and I have other stuff to do.

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IF HE SAYS:

DERULO

YOU SHOULD SAY: 

Well, OK, to answer your question: it’s pretty basic. I learned to dress myself when I was a little kid, and not all that much has changed since then. It’s pretty much just one leg in the jeans, then the other leg in, then you just pull ‘em up, button and zip, and you’re good to go. I’m surprised that’s the one question you picked. In the future, if you get to ask just one question, go with something like, “Where do you like to eat around here?” or “What’s the best birthday you’ve ever had?” You know: conversation starters. See how you asked that question and now we’ve kind of hit a wall, conversationally? Had you asked something a little more open-ended (and less demeaning), we could be off in the corner hearing about each others’ childhoods right now.

Maybe you think it’s appropriate to look at my “big fat butt” (your words, not mine) and tell me what to do with it, so I’ll make this crystal clear: it’s not. Frankly, when you say shit like that to me, the thing I want to do with my butt is get it as far away from your butt as possible. And here’s another thing: ladies have all different kinds of butts, and all butts are awesome. It’s cool that my butt is so great that you are making “wedding plans,” (again, your words, not mine), but I’d prefer you get to know me a little better first. Also, no one wants any of their body parts compared to a “ham sammich.” No one. Now excuse me while I wiggle far away from you, and make you the butt of all my jokes. See what I did there?

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IF HE SAYS:

MAKE IT 1

YOU SHOULD SAY:

I’m glad you think I’m attractive (hey—I agree!), and thanks for letting me borrow your underwear after my skirt got wet in that thunderstorm. (I didn’t need to know the brand, for the record, and neither did anyone else: American Apparel is doing just fine without your endorsement.) But it’s unsettling to me that it took me stripping down like this before you knew that you were “so down.” Also, “so down” for what? I Urban Dictionary-ed “so down,” and it said you’re either ready to go to the beach, or you want to have sex. If you’re ready to go to the beach: OK, cool! Although, there is a pretty bad thunderstorm happening right now. But if you want to have sex, I’d like it to be for a reason other than thinking that my lipstick stain is a work of art. Did you know that I am fluent in C++? Or that I have translated a few Ancient Greek plays? I’m really smart, is the thing. Also, funny. Also, great in bed, which you will never find out, since I don’t have sex with 18-year-olds who get tattoos of girls’ names on them. Sorry. It’s just that I don’t have sex with stupid people.

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IF HE SAYS: 

Spam Smith

YOU SHOULD SAY:

UGH, IT’S LIE, PEOPLE! LIE WITH ME. Why is that hard? EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THAT IS HARD.

Hey, bud. Seems like you’re going through a hard time right now. I notice you’re pretty self-deprecating and desperate. Here’s the thing, though: I’ve made a life choice to not be with people who want me to sleep with them because they are using me as a security blanket while they sort out their shit. Unfortunately, I have too much self-respect for that.

Here’s what I recommend: get some therapy, learn to meditate, go on long walks, and read good books. (Not Cormac McCarthy. I know you’re thinking it should be Cormac McCarthy. But it shouldn’t be.) We can have coffee sometimes, if you want, provided you also ask me about my life too. Until then, get yourself together a little, OK? You can do it. We all have our issues.

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IF HE SAYS:

Pitbull is 33 years old

YOU SHOULD SAY:

No I don’t. I would much rather have money.

 

Previously: Boy Meets World: The Lost Episodes

Sophie Lucido Johnson is a writer, artist, and comedian living in New Orleans. She is the editor-in-chief of Neutrons Protons. You can find her comics and writing here.

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