Tuesday, June 17, 2014


Mad Libs: New York Times Real Estate Edition 

FinallyInspired by the "The Hunt."

After 18 months in a Hell's Kitchen sublet where the doorman charmed but the dining options were largely "unsuitable now that I've committed to a ketogenic Jainist nut-free vegetarian lifestyle," [name of special person A] and her spouse [name of special person B] were ready for a change.

[Special person A] took an [unbelievable number of weeks] paid leave from her job as a performance art archivist and digital [string of four arbitrary letters that suggest a marketing-related acronym] strategist to commit to the search. "It was scary," she whispered, "My apartment was well below market rate at $8,000 a month—how was I going to find what I needed on such a limited budget? But I grabbed my [obscure brand of staggeringly expensive handbag] and started pounding the pavement—well, if riding shotgun in my realtor's vintage Aston Martin counts," she chortled musically.

Realtor Fabiana Chambray-Shantung led [special person A] through the sometimes harrowing search with gentle reassurance and liberal servings of [artisanal fermented beverage]. "I feel strongly that my clients need [therapeutic modality] as much as [practical skill]," she said. "I mean, these days [name of hilariously overpriced vacation community you're dimly aware of] is the new [name of enclave of entrenched exurban wealth you're totally bored by]—it's a jungle out there!"

Fearing the worst, [special person A] winnowed down her list of non-negotiable amenities, leaving only the items necessary to alleviate her [name of fictitious auto-immune disorder]. Among them: locally sourced sisal wall coverings, white suede floors, sinks carved from fossilized ivory and a location convenient to an artesian aquifer, from which water is piped into the apartment via hand-blown glass tubes fashioned by the Inuit craftspeople of NunatuKavut.

The budget was around [largest amount of money you can possibly comprehend, plus $14,000]

The project was a challenge. With breath strongly redolent of amaranth, [special person A] lamented, "I overheard recently at [Swedish restaurant name with cheerful punctuation] in NoLESwAB–you know, North of the Lower East Side but West of Alphabet City... I think it used to be called the East Village? Anyway, I heard that some New York City landlords are renting apartments with synthetic fiber carpeting! Which I'm pretty sure is illegal."

[Special person B] was reached for comment briefly via Skype from an office in Qatar, where [a gender pronoun] works three days a week brokering the sale of volatile highly leveraged sub-prime large-cap assets for risk-tolerant oligarchs. "It's tough," [a gender pronoun] barked, "but [nickname for Special person A ending in 'eetsy'] knows how to get what she wants. I mean look at her ring finger, am I right? All I ask is that we're within three blocks of a Quiznos."

The search began in late March. A top-floor tree house made of ancient [type of wood now illegal to harvest] near a perfume factory in Williamsburg offered stunning views but prompted nosebleeds. A 1930s bungalow transported in pieces from the Hollywood hills, complete with a greenhouse stocked with [name of tropical flower endemic to Panama], was convenient to Zabar's but lacked adequate storage space.

Finally, fortified by a vigorous aerial yoga class, [special person A] claimed her prize: an 18th-century garbage barge docked off of Governor's Island, infested with nutria.

"It's quirky," she admitted on a recent tour of the vessel's decaying hull. "But its appraised value has tripled in three months—and I haven't even installed the sauna yet!"


Previously: Welcome to Subaru Roadside Assistance & Empowerment

Photo via kpaulus/flickr.

Kira Garcia enjoys puns, feminism, textiles, and history. She lives in beautiful Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn with her girlfriend and two handsome cats.

8 Comments / Post A Comment

George Templeton Strong

I don't mean to toot my own horn but the extremely funny person who (very occasionally) writes ihatenyt.com allowed me to guest-write a post a while back and, since the NYT Real Estate section fills me with an anger that can not be measured by mere mortals, I came up with this:


It's dated, of course, and I'm not sure all the links work, but I was quite proud of it. This was about three years ago and already the prices seem absurdly low, although to any sane person they must seem absurdly high. You, Kira, may be the only person to ever read this, since the Hairpin's commenter community, once so vibrant, seems to have shriveled, but I'll post it here as my message in a bottle. And go back through the ihatenyt archives. They're screamingly funny.


@George Templeton Strong Kira's piece made me laugh. Your piece made me ready for class warfare.


This... IS AMAZING@v

Prescription Pants

Oh my God, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at this. Nutria!


Hello friends, an awesome and amazing testimony about a Great NATURAL LOVE spell caster i really love to share THIS TO THE WHOLE WORLD.... My name is Jerry Mike from the United States. Getting my wife back is what i least expected and could never imagine. I and my wife have been married for five years and we have been living happily but all of a sudden she changed completely and turned away from me and i never knew what was going on, i tried to ask her but she refused to tell me what the problem is, and as time went on she sought for a divorce. I was so worried and confused, and i did all my possible best to get her back but it was all in vain and i thought all hope was lost, and during my search for a way out, a friend of mine who had similar problem told me about a great spell caster called Great Ovoko who helped him to solve his problem. I never use to believe in spell casting in my entire life because i never thought it will work but i tried to give this man a chance and to my greatest surprise, he did his work and it yielded a positive result and i was able to get my wife back. Even after the spell caster did his work, i discovered that my wife fell so much NATURAL in love with me like never before. This spell casting isn't brain washing but he opened up her eyes to see how much i love and needed her, and now i am a happy man again and so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone having the same or similar problem to visit him on (agbakorspelltemple@gmail.com) and he will help you because he is so real and trust worthy. TRUST HIM AND DON'T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS, BELIEVE HIM IF YOU REALLY WANT HIM TO HELP YOU, AND DO WHAT HE ASK YOU TO DO BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DID I JUST OBEYED. I REPEAT AGAIN BELIEVE AND OBEY HIM IF YOU TRULY WANT HIM TO HELP YOU BECAUSE THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER HAS ALL IT TAKES TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY FOR THE BEST. HE IS REAL VERY, VERY REAL. IF HE IS NOT REAL, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SHARING THIS TESTIMONY AND THIS IS ONE REASON FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER IS SO REAL. WELL I WILL NOT SAY ANY THING AGAIN BECAUSE A WORD THEY SAY IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE SO IF YOU ARE WISE AM ADVISING YOU TO PLEASE CONTACT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER SO THAT YOU WILL NOT FALL INTO THE HANDS OF SCAMS. HIS SPELLS AND POWERS HAS NO BAD EFFECTS AND AS YOU CAN SEE NOW, I AM A HAPPY MAN AGAIN AND SO I AM JUST ADVISING YOU TO DO THE SAME SO THAT YOU CAN ALSO BE A HAPPY PERSON AGAIN. HE IS VERY REAL AND POWERFUL. Once again thank you Great DR.AGBAKOR and may your gods always reward you for your good deeds.EMAIL HIM TODAY IF YOU NEED ANY HELP VIA:(agbakorspelltemple@gmail.com)

Jonas Smith

This is a nice post in an interesting line of content.Thanks for sharing this article, great way of bring such topic to discussion.

Muhammad Usman@facebook

I have to recently visit new york and one the great city in the whole world and great resume writing service review depends on students educations and university students.

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account