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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

8

Mad Libs: New York Times Real Estate Edition 

FinallyInspired by the "The Hunt."

After 18 months in a Hell's Kitchen sublet where the doorman charmed but the dining options were largely "unsuitable now that I've committed to a ketogenic Jainist nut-free vegetarian lifestyle," [name of special person A] and her spouse [name of special person B] were ready for a change.

[Special person A] took an [unbelievable number of weeks] paid leave from her job as a performance art archivist and digital [string of four arbitrary letters that suggest a marketing-related acronym] strategist to commit to the search. "It was scary," she whispered, "My apartment was well below market rate at $8,000 a month—how was I going to find what I needed on such a limited budget? But I grabbed my [obscure brand of staggeringly expensive handbag] and started pounding the pavement—well, if riding shotgun in my realtor's vintage Aston Martin counts," she chortled musically.

Realtor Fabiana Chambray-Shantung led [special person A] through the sometimes harrowing search with gentle reassurance and liberal servings of [artisanal fermented beverage]. "I feel strongly that my clients need [therapeutic modality] as much as [practical skill]," she said. "I mean, these days [name of hilariously overpriced vacation community you're dimly aware of] is the new [name of enclave of entrenched exurban wealth you're totally bored by]—it's a jungle out there!"

Fearing the worst, [special person A] winnowed down her list of non-negotiable amenities, leaving only the items necessary to alleviate her [name of fictitious auto-immune disorder]. Among them: locally sourced sisal wall coverings, white suede floors, sinks carved from fossilized ivory and a location convenient to an artesian aquifer, from which water is piped into the apartment via hand-blown glass tubes fashioned by the Inuit craftspeople of NunatuKavut.

The budget was around [largest amount of money you can possibly comprehend, plus $14,000]

The project was a challenge. With breath strongly redolent of amaranth, [special person A] lamented, "I overheard recently at [Swedish restaurant name with cheerful punctuation] in NoLESwAB–you know, North of the Lower East Side but West of Alphabet City... I think it used to be called the East Village? Anyway, I heard that some New York City landlords are renting apartments with synthetic fiber carpeting! Which I'm pretty sure is illegal."

[Special person B] was reached for comment briefly via Skype from an office in Qatar, where [a gender pronoun] works three days a week brokering the sale of volatile highly leveraged sub-prime large-cap assets for risk-tolerant oligarchs. "It's tough," [a gender pronoun] barked, "but [nickname for Special person A ending in 'eetsy'] knows how to get what she wants. I mean look at her ring finger, am I right? All I ask is that we're within three blocks of a Quiznos."

The search began in late March. A top-floor tree house made of ancient [type of wood now illegal to harvest] near a perfume factory in Williamsburg offered stunning views but prompted nosebleeds. A 1930s bungalow transported in pieces from the Hollywood hills, complete with a greenhouse stocked with [name of tropical flower endemic to Panama], was convenient to Zabar's but lacked adequate storage space.

Finally, fortified by a vigorous aerial yoga class, [special person A] claimed her prize: an 18th-century garbage barge docked off of Governor's Island, infested with nutria.

"It's quirky," she admitted on a recent tour of the vessel's decaying hull. "But its appraised value has tripled in three months—and I haven't even installed the sauna yet!"

 

Previously: Welcome to Subaru Roadside Assistance & Empowerment

Photo via kpaulus/flickr.

Kira Garcia enjoys puns, feminism, textiles, and history. She lives in beautiful Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn with her girlfriend and two handsome cats.



8 Comments / Post A Comment

George Templeton Strong

I don't mean to toot my own horn but the extremely funny person who (very occasionally) writes ihatenyt.com allowed me to guest-write a post a while back and, since the NYT Real Estate section fills me with an anger that can not be measured by mere mortals, I came up with this:

http://ihatenyt.com/2011/08/02/the-mysteries-of-new-york-real-estate/

It's dated, of course, and I'm not sure all the links work, but I was quite proud of it. This was about three years ago and already the prices seem absurdly low, although to any sane person they must seem absurdly high. You, Kira, may be the only person to ever read this, since the Hairpin's commenter community, once so vibrant, seems to have shriveled, but I'll post it here as my message in a bottle. And go back through the ihatenyt archives. They're screamingly funny.

hershmire

@George Templeton Strong Kira's piece made me laugh. Your piece made me ready for class warfare.

vittoriama

This... IS AMAZING@v

Prescription Pants

Oh my God, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at this. Nutria!

mrslee

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