Tuesday, June 17, 2014


15 Lesser-Known Things To Say To A Dress

NO THANKS1. “Can I put jeans under you?”

2. “How come I can’t be the ring bearer?”

3. “Why don’t you have any pockets?”

4. “I look like when people clothe their pets.”

5. “Of course, my legs feel pleasantly unfettered—which is really just one more cruel betrayal. Stop trying to worm your way into my heart, you silky sonofabitch. Everything about this feels forced and unnatural. But perhaps that’s the idea—maybe the secret no one tells is that you have to force yourself. Maybe I can learn to love you?”

6. “You were the wrong thing to wear to the first day of junior high.”

7. “Every shimmer, every time this al dente spaghetti strap fails to maintain its position, every restricted breath I take, hardens me against you.”

8. “Despite my love for dancing, my friends, and the entire concept and execution of the theme “Time After Time”—I don’t want to be at this prom. Well I do, just not with you. I’m sorry; I know that’s mean. I don’ t want to hurt you, but also you technically don’t have the ability to feel emotions because you’re just a piece of clothing.”

9. “You never listen to me.”

10. “That is an unreasonable place to put a zipper.”

11. “It’s not you, it’s me. Well, it’s also the fact that you’re not an impeccably tailored three-piece suit. Let’s just say we’re not really looking for the same thing.”

12. “Whatever, everyone wants us to be together. I’m tired of fighting, just come here.”

13. “It’s freezing. Please stop exposing so much of my skin. I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. It’s at least a little passive-aggressive. Your fabric is so sheer! What are you even made of, whispers?”

14. “You’ve made me feel like an impostor for too long.”

15. “No.”


Previously: 12 Lesser-Known Scented Candles

Laura Jayne Martin lives and writes in New York City. She tweets @laurajaynemart.

3 Comments / Post A Comment


yep. been feeling most of these as i try to submit to wearing something my mom will find upcoming cousin-wedding appropriate. Help.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@truelove It's easier than ever to find dresses with pockets, if that helps.

(It might not solve any other qualms you have, but hey, at least there will be pockets!)

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account