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The Susan Miller Drinking Game

Hallelujah! We have finally left the cesspool that was April, and Susan Miller has arrived with predictions of a May to remember. Yes, the horoscopes are a little belated (Susan, we’re sending good vibes for a speedy recovery!), but the good news is all the more welcome since we had to wait for it. Now that we’re on the tail end of the effects of that last eclipse (it’s out the door tomorrow, May 10th), it’s time to give those May forecasts a closer read with the Susan Miller Drinking Game. So pull up your forecast, break open the liquor cabinet, and let’s get started. If you’re still alive by the end of the first round, there’s a bonus round at the end.

Take a sip:
– for every mention of a new moon or full moon
– if Susan can’t tell something because she doesn’t know your specific chart
– any mention of your house of earned income
– if there’s a good day to sign papers or a contract
– if you should be on the lookout for health concerns (Susan, what sign are you again???)
– if Mercury is in retrograde and coming for you

Take a shot:
– if your birthday falls on a date mentioned (plus or minus five days, of course)
– if you have 15 or more important dates for love, meetings, or actions
– every time Susan says “dear [insert sign here]”
– whenever the universe hates a vacuum
– whenever Susan uses the phrases “eclipse out” or “rare aspect”

Empty your glass:
– if you felt an event the month before it happened
– if your ruling planet makes you more sensitive to something
– if you’re going to be making a big life decision this month: getting married, deciding to have a baby, meeting your one true love

*** Bonus Round! ***

Take a sip:
– for every mention of the wretchedness of April 2014
– every time Susan promises you money
– if Mars being in retrograde has fouled up something
– if May is your month to travel or take a weekend away
– for every warning about the worst day of the month (May 10th)
– for every mention of the year 2026

Take a shot:
– if you are still supposed to be wary of the April 15th eclipse that never ends
– when Susan channels George R.R. Martin talking about the meeting of fire and ice
– if the full moon on May 14th is going to lock you into something

Empty your glass:
– if the best day in your forecast already happened
– if your forecast includes warnings about water damage in your vacation home

Drunk? Drunk. Have a good month, everybody.

Kristin Appenbrink is a freelance writer and ice cream obsessive. She’s glad April is over.

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