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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

12

My Ideal Weddings, By Age

My ideal wedding, age 6: The ringbearer is a puppy, the cake is chocolate. The wedding is held in a beautiful old church because beautiful old churches are where all people get married—even Jews from New Jersey.

My ideal wedding, age 9: Basically, it’s The Princess Bride but starring Michael J. Fox as Westley, me as Buttercup. And plenty of unpoisoned wine at a mostly traditional feast, except that there’ll be a whole lot of chicken fingers.

My ideal wedding, age 12: Themed weddings can be quite fun and unique. My wedding will be Broadway musical-themed, just like my bat mitzvah. My future husband will rescue me from some ogre beneath the Paris Opera House, and then we will sing “All I Ask of You” to each other in lieu of traditional vows. Terribly disfigured people will not be invited to attend.

My ideal wedding, age 13: The “November Rain” video meets Pride and Prejudice meets my cousin Stephanie’s wedding at a catering hall on Long Island.

My ideal wedding, age 17: A beach ceremony would be so profound. I’d walk down the aisle barefoot, as the sweet swells of Oasis’s “Champagne Supernova” accompany me as I walk towards my soulmate Danny, that cute dude from acting class with the soul patch.

My ideal wedding, age 20: Not sure who I’ll marry, or when, or where, but who cares, as long as there’s an open bar? White Russians are a nice breakfast drink, then champagne at the ceremony, and perhaps something festive and extravagant like Long Island Iced Teas for the reception.

My ideal wedding, age 24: Who will win me? A vast and diverse group of men (all in their late twenties and all dashing and successful) shall compete on a reality TV program set at some island villa that is strangely insect-free. I will fall in love with one very special gentleman over the course of two weeks. A crew of super friendly TV production folks will capture all of the important moments, including our first dance as a married couple to Usher’s “U Got It Bad.” 

My ideal wedding, age 26: Fuck the groom. Like I give one fuck about the groom. Instead, let’s focus on the bridesmaids: There are 14 of them. They will wear strapless sea foam green dresses from David’s Bridal and excruciatingly uncomfortable shoes, dyed to match. I’ll dictate one-by-one how I’d like each bridesmaid to wear her hair, and all of the maids will have matching silver manicures and pedicures, or I will accuse them of being terrible friends and not supporting me emotionally.

My ideal wedding, age 29: Why spend money on bullshit like flowers and favors and food when me and my future husband can focus our money where it really counts—diamond-encrusted statement eyeglasses?

My ideal wedding, age 31: Just like, get a bunch of people together and throw a party, you know? Totally chill. Make a cool iTunes playlist and get some cheeseburgers and booze and let people dance.

My ideal wedding, age 32: No dancing allowed. I will be more uptight than the preacher in Footloose (the 1984 John Lithgow version, of course). Anything to prevent any kind of group dance routine that would make for a catchy YouTube video. Those damn YouTube videos—more than any feminist misgivings about structural inequality in marriage—make me think weddings are bullshit.

My ideal wedding, now: Who knows? I certainly spend less time thinking about it than I did when I was a kid. I often like to think that the ideal wedding is no wedding at all. I’d be fine signing some papers to get the tax benefits out of marriage with a person I love if the opportunity presents itself. No fuss, no big deal. However, I would still like a puppy ringbearer.

 

Previously: Minor Tragedies on the Internet: A Yearly Diary

Photo via geckoam/flickr.

Maris Kreizman is the creator of Slaughterhouse 90210, a blog and soon-to-be book (Flatiron Books, 2015) that celebrates the intersection of her two great loves–literature and pop culture. A former book editor, Maris cannot get enough of critiquing her own writing.



12 Comments / Post A Comment

Bostonienne

I could never picture my ideal wedding, so I got married at city hall in a fun 50's dress and it turns out that WAS my ideal wedding.

adorable-eggplant

@Bostonienne Living the dream! That sounds so chill (and affordable).

causedbycomma

I am all on board with the puppy ringbearer!

nonvolleyball

there are a lot of reasons I'm happy to be married (major ones include "I'm a fan of my husband" & "it was fun") but the #1 has to be that I WILL NEVER AGAIN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WEDDING-PLANNING.

every once in a while some new thing will come to my attention (most recently, photo booths) & I'll have a moment of "ooh, I wonder how much that costs because--" & then I remember that ship has sailed & cackle maniacally (albeit internally).

it is interesting, though--I got married six years ago & I can think of all kinds of ways my 2014 wedding would be different from my 2008 one. so clearly this kind of "ideal wedding" evolution of perspective never really goes away.

ragazza

My ideal wedding is the one that happens before I hit menopause (cough cough, longtime boyfriend!).

Be But Little

"My ideal wedding, age 12: Themed weddings can be quite fun and unique. My wedding will be Broadway musical-themed, just like my bat mitzvah. My future husband will rescue me from some ogre beneath the Paris Opera House, and then we will sing “All I Ask of You” to each other in lieu of traditional vows. Terribly disfigured people will not be invited to attend."

I mean, this is basically my ideal wedding now. ;)

largemarge

I LOVE your 17 year old wedding- "Where were you while we were getting HIIIIIIIIIIGH?" I can just imagine all the guests muttering "don't do it". I've actually BEEN to those weddings.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Like (I assume) the majority of Canadians, in my early teens my ideal wedding would have been a MuchMusic video dance.

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lily123

I know what you mean about the perfect wedding, but it is not so easy to have it! And you should do it together with your future wife/husband!

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