Friday, May 2, 2014


Jennifer Lawrence Responds to Esquire's Concerns About Her Drinking

Yesterday, Esquire blogger Ned Hepburn penned A Letter To Jennifer Lawrence About Her Drunkenness. Read it, or not. ("You're lucky you're a total stone-cold fox with a face like a million dollars and a better rack than a master carpenter.") It fits into a wonderful Esquire tradition of I have no idea. Anyway, we did not like this letter, and we do not like this tradition, and we are so pleased that Jennifer Lawrence chose to write back to her critic.

(If it wasn't clear already, this letter was definitely not written by Jennifer Lawrence.)

Dear Ned,

Can I call you Neddy? OK, Neddy. Why don't you have a seat? Why don't I sit down, actually, too? Why don't I poop my pants, actually, and then sit on your face? I see that your publication thought it was really hot—even better, that I was marriage material!—when I pooped my pants. Now that I got drunk I'm not hot. So I'll try pooping again. It's like a hotness reset button.

I just wanted to let you know I am so trying to keep track of what I do that makes men hard and what I do that makes them want to chastise me, but it's a lot of work.

So, I heard that you heard that I fell down at the Oscars and then that you heard I was drunk when I fell down. (By the way, do you mind if I use words like "so" and "kinda" and "sure" and not complete sentences like "or something" in this like you used in the letter you wrote me? I mean, it's not like I'd employ that kind of nursery patter to obscure something as powerful as say, misogyny, but I am feeling a little embarrassed, and stupid, and it's just a little crutch. You understand.)

So. Neddy. Honey. Writer/Dude! You said, "Babe, let's talk." And by all means, let's! And if we're going to talk, can we talk about how you said "Babe, let's talk?" If you weren't a big, fancy writer for a well-respected men's magazine that puts out a yearly "Women We Love" issue where every sentence begins with the word "because" and ends with a paean to a body part, I might think you were trying to be, like, mock retro, like, "Let's pretend that we're pretending to be '70s and smoking our girlfriend's Mores in a bathrobe with our dick hanging out," or some other meaningless layering of irony popular with those who have no true instinct for how to use the English language. But that's not you. You're no amateur.

You know how I know you're not an amateur? When you say, "Babe, let's talk," you totally mean it. You're being cute—adorable, really—but you really think that you have some authority over me. And that makes sense. Because you're a man. And I'm a woman and I'm young and I had the audacity to go out and get fucking wasted on the night that the industry I work in throws the biggest party of the year.

This letter is, in part, my attempt to wrestle with that shame. 

Oh my God, I laughed SO HARD at your joke about The Hunger Games and how I should have "hit up" In-N-Out on the way. (Oh my god that is SO FUNNY. HUNGER? EATING! LOL!) I love the phrase "hit up." It's like something you'd say if you were in a frat, talking—not something you'd actually bother to write down, you know? And thanks for admitting that you get drunk sometimes, too, and acknowledging that it must be really hard to be a beautiful woman. It's actually not that hard. And when it's hard, I just think, "Shit, I am really good at what I do. At my job! Like, I would never commit the acting equivalent of writing a sentence like, 'I'm assuming you know that half the youth of America live vicariously through your every charming babble in every interview.'"

And that takes away some of the sting.

I have one question. You say you don't want me to be like Sean Young, but Sean Young and I really have nothing in common, other than we appear in films, have vaginas, and got drunk at the Oscars. I'm not trying to put her down, but Sean Young was never nominated for an Academy Award, and she certainly never won one. Again, not putting her down, but she was not a consistently critically-acclaimed actress and big-ass movie star, not this young, and not for any serious amount of time. Now, this is not a perfect analogy—surely you of all people will not mind—but telling me, "Don't be Sean Young" is like me saying to Jonathan Franzen, "Don't be Ned Hepburn!" Except that Jonathan Franzen would just say, "Who?"

But I digress. (Sorry, you don't mind if I borrow this clever turn of phrase from you?) I guess I just can't stop thinking about how much it hurts that one day you thought what I did was cute and then, later, when you found out I was drunk when I did it, you started thinking it wasn't cute. I see that you praise my "face like a million dollars" and that you think I have a "better rack than a master carpenter" (is that because master carpenters build racks really well?) but I won't settle for fickle attentions. When I was a little girl growing up in Louisville, I was looking up at the sky one night and I said, "God, please let my behavior always meet the exacting standards of a male blogger who doesn't really understand how to use babble as a noun," and at the moment, I swear, there was a shooting star. So. I know my dream is supposed to come true, Neddy. Your wish is my command. Or something. Thank you.




Previously: When People Say Funny Things When Animals Attack

Sarah Miller is the person who wrote this letter and is also the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl. She lives in Nevada City, CA. Follow her on Twitter @sarahlovescali.

49 Comments / Post A Comment

or Elsa!

"God, please let my behavior always meet the exacting standards of a male blogger who doesn't really understand how to use babble as a noun"



basically, ahahahaha FOREVER


All my life ☁️@y

Julie the T





This piece was delightful and now I'm even more in love with JLaw.

"...telling me, 'Don't be Sean Young' is like me saying to Jonathan Franzen, 'Don't be Ned Hepburn!' Except that Jonathan Franzen would just say, 'Who?'"



@nutmeg749 The best part for me was that I read Jonathan Franzen but my brain parsed it as Jonathan Frakes, and I thought, too right Commander Riker wouldn't know who this joker is but what a peculiar comparison. And then I realized my error.

Bridget Fowler@facebook

Could you just follow me around for a week and burn everyone I need to burn? I will remunerate you handsomely.


If she didn't write the letter why would I want to read it??


@19850643@twitter I, also, take a firm stance on not reading anything funny if it wasn't written by a celebrity... if only there were more people on the internet who lived by our high standards.


Who wrote this? Sarah Miller? Is this her fantasy of what she wishes JLaw had written as a response?

Unless there is proof that JLaw actually wrote this, I don't believe it.


@BriannaL Oh, honey.

Holly Jones@facebook

@BriannaL Sadly, JLaw didn't write it. The byline blurb at the bottom of the article was later edited to be more clear: "Sarah Miller is the person who wrote this letter and is also..."

It's still funny but, sorry, it just doesn't have the same effect as it did when I read it -- and read the intro three times, just to be sure -- thinking that JLaw was supposedly the actual author. And it seems a little opportunist and dishonest, to me, to even let the suggestion that JLaw did write it arise.


@BriannaL You guys seem great!


@toodles Yeah this is verging on performance art.

Julie the T

@BriannaL I'm not, uh, sure you guys know how this site works.


@stonefruit I love them and want to give them each a Capri Sun

Holly Jones@facebook

@toodles Thanks. Can you put the straw in mine for me? I can never get the straw in without making a Capri-Sun geyser all over myself.

So, anyway. The condescension is cool, and all, but y'all also have to know that this is a pretty click-baity headline that will go beyond the usual Hairpin readership. I'm sure that was a total accident, though.

I'm sorry I found the stronger-than-usual ambiguity, coincidentally while using the words "Jennifer" and "Lawrence," to be opportunistic and lame. I also enjoy scraping the bark on my perennials to see if they're still alive, watching for the mail carrier to bring me my weekly pizza coupon circular, and alphabetizing my spices.

The good news is that the article has already shown up three -- nope, make that four -- times on my news feed, though sadly JLaw keeps getting credit for Sarah Miller's cleverness.

Next some poor intern at a local news affiliate will pick up the scoop and then someone's grandmother will send links out to everyone about the time JLaw used the word "paean" and then a Snopes article will need to be written. Then you won't believe what happens next! Must watch! Thanks, Upworthy!


@toodles Oooh, dada-ism. Nice.


@HollyJones No need to apologize for tending your garden or keeping a well-stocked pantry!

I, too, find satire opportunistic and prefer to consume my content in the form of clearly labeled photographs of people staring at the camera unblinkingly, but I understand that I cannot make the Internet over in my own image.


@Holly Jones@facebook This is not quite as good as Chamber Pots: A Resurgence? but I am amused non-the less.


I know Ned Hepburn from college and he's actually not such a bad guy. I agree, this wasn't his finest offering but I push you to read some of his other submissions. In this his tone was deliberately snarky and sarcastic but I think he was just trying to talk "casually" to JL because he's honestly concerned about her turning into something that she would really regret later on.

His books are pretty funny too. Check out his second one, Hitting It: Sex, This Town, & Cannabis. Not only hilarious, but a much more fully realized depiction of his irony and intent. His bro-heavy prose is not meant to agitate but to underline the hypocrisies of intra generational hegemony. No doubt Ned, just turning 30 himself, feels the strenuous "generational" pull tugging at both arms. Pulling, tugging, stretching, er tearing? Ugh... Stay focused, Ned. Steady. Sober and clear eyed. Don't let this distract you. Everything's possible.


@msu It's cool that Ned Hepburn came and chimed in here and plugged his books!


@msu Look at this sentence you wrote: "Ugh... Stay focused, Ned. Steady. Sober and clear eyed. Don't let this distract you. Everything's possible."

"Ugh... Stay focused, Ned. Steady. Sober and clear eyed. Don't let this distract you. Everything's possible."

"Ugh... Stay focused, Ned. Steady. Sober and clear eyed. Don't let this distract you. Everything's possible."

Sorry for the redundant copy and pasting. I just want to make sure you read it enough times to really feel the proper amount of shame about it!


@allyzay for the record I should tell you I was only kidding, I don't really know Ned. I made up his book's title. He seems like a fairly despicable fellow.


@msu damn, I was really hoping he had actually written a book called Hitting It


@msu OMG, I had to log in for the first time in AGES to tell you that although I enjoyed this article, this comment (including the part where you admit that you don't know Ned) made me cackle loudly in my apartment. You are a delight.


This is the best thing that ever bested, i hope she reads it!

saul "the bear" berenson

What happened to the comments section of the pin?


@saul "the bear" berenson Jennifer Lawrence got drunk and barfed and it upset the magazine man and he took the comments away :-(


I don't know why I clicked on the Esquire link when you straight told me it was written by Ned Hepburn, it is like I was asking for the permission to break my computer.


Awesome, Sarah. Just want to add: Dear Ned: (I KNOW you will read this) Please drink 2 martinis and a glass of white wine. Then in 30 minutes don 6 inch heels and step out of an unfamiliar vehicle into very bright lights in a noisy place going to one of the craziest parties of the year. Key words: 6 inch heels. Just sayin'. You have no idea. And then smile at Ellen.


I don';t get it. Is this supposed to be funny? IT is written as if it is what some 12 year old boys alone (again) on a Friday night thinks is hysterical, but really is just the reason why they ARE alone (again) on a Friday night.


This is so good, important, and hilarious!

I find the vitriol at this piece not being written by Jennifer Lawrence herself kinda hilarious. It's pretty obviously not in keeping with the tone of all her interviews. And do you consider the Onion or any other prominent or non-prominent satirical sites all "opportunistic"? Or are you just embarrassed that you were taken in by a parody?

Athena Pythia Axiom@facebook

I'd still like to buy Sarah aka "Jenny" a beer. Awesome work here.


I know that Sarah Miller's top priority is what alliepants16 thinks of her (except for not, because she effing has a book and writes for the NEW YORKER [jealousx10] and stuff, sigh, etc) but this is the best thing of hers that I've read. Bravaa

Jonathon Gilbert@facebook

I would really like to know what Jennifer would have actually said in response to this because all i see in this forged response is Serah Millar pretending to be an offended version of Jennifer... who is she to talk for Jennifer? Jennifer may very well take what was said very differently.

in regards to the original letter

he's trying to make a point without totally destroying a persons self-esteem, or using his access to the media to turn people off this amazingly beautiful actor... just because she has a few too many drinks.
approaching a subject like this must be done in a light but informative matter. he could quite simple have said - stop being a drunk bitch and be a better role model for your young fans. you chose the lime light... now these are the rules...

but he didnt. he said she was awesome but she could improve in a few areas now to avoid becoming another prominent public figure that ends up ODing in her motel room...

bad habits start somewhere... putting it nicely to avoid getting so drunk you fall off the stage at the OSCARS... or throwing up in Madonna house... perhaps SOMEone saying something is better then NOone saying anything...


Go home comment section, you're drunk.


This might be the best comment section on a Hairpin piece ever. Well played, Sarah Miller. Also, thank YOU JonathOn Gilbert@facebook for mansplaining that this satire is in fact a FORGERY and explaining (with proper TMZ grammar) that Ned just wants that nice J-Law girl to get a hold of herself before she ends up OD'ing in a hotel bathroom. I'm sure Jennifer Lawrence, who totally read both this article and your comment, is grateful for and appreciative of your concern and the time you took to explain it to her (and us) in simple terms so our ladybrains could understand. You're a national treasure.

Hà Văn Quảng@facebook

In thinking about football of Louis van Gaal M88, no M88 star concept, and has no concept of the star, there is no concept of "death star together". Netherlands will rock like the previous m88
Argentina? They will rock as the match against Mexico, Costa Rica, Spain ...


I don't know why I clicked on the Esquire link when you straight told me it was written by Ned Hepburn, I had to log in for the first time in AGES to tell you that although I enjoyed this article, this comment (including the part where you admit that you don't know Ned) made me cackle loudly in my apartment. memory foam mattress topper You are a delight.


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