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Tuesday, May 6, 2014

21

Dear Shailene Woodley

TO: Shailene Woodley

FROM: Feminism

SUBJ: An apology

Dear Shailene Woodley,

Okay, we give up. You have sniffed us out, you brilliant little Divergent, you. You too, country singer Sara Evans. You too, Marissa Mayer, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, Bjork, early-career Lady Gaga and every other female celebrity who has declared, when prompted, “I’m not a feminist. I love men.” (Or in Gaga's case, "I hail men.")

We’re sorry.

Yes, we have have protested vocally every time one of you powerful celebrity ladies utters this phrase. Sometimes we’ve even protested the protesting! But the reality is, we were so upset because you nailed us, dammit. All these years, we, The Feminists have been trying to “repackage” ourselves, rebrand ourselves if you will, with a new friendly face. Equality, we cry out! Education access! Social, political and sexual equality! Healthcare for all! Family leave! No more rape! Common-sense stuff like that. Stuff you actually support, right? And for a while, it seemed like we were really getting somewhere. Our fake ideas about egalitarianism and gender normativity were catching on! People were embracing us.

But then you, Shailene Woodley, curse your brilliant heart, pulled back the curtain and revealed the truth. All that “equality” talk is an elaborately constructed facade. Equal pay? Reproductive autonomy? Ha! We really exist for one reason only: to insinuate ourselves into the world of men, enslave, and conquer. Our movement’s name isn’t actually Feminism but in truth, the League of Bitter Misandrist Hags Who Burn Phalluses in Effigy Nightly and Wake Ourselves Up With a Fresh Vial of Male Tears in the morning. LOBMHWBPIENWOUWFVMT is a doozy of an acronym. You can see why we changed it to feminism to begin with. 

All of our marriages and hetero life-partnerships founded on equality and mutual trust? Lie. Our sons we’re raising to respect women? Total lie. Our male buds, queer and straight, into whose bosoms we confide? Our tweets about how cute and supportive our dads were on the soccer field? Lies. Our male allies and movement leaders? Mere props. Our gushing over Idris Elba’s sexy pics, our choosing Team Peeta vs. Team Gale? An act, an act, an act—Katniss should have made those whiny boys eat nightlock in book one, then teamed up with President Coin to wreak havoc.

We’ve gone to such lengths to preserve our true purpose, and yet, we’ve failed at keeping our secret. Somehow, our society manages to beam the truth about us into the brains of your fellow female celebrities, even in their bubble of isolation and privilege. It’s almost like in Divergent, when the serum causes a simulation, and—anyway, never mind. The point is this; you celebrities spread the hidden truth about us in blogs and glossy magazines, distancing yourselves from us while you snatch those silly ideas about equality, the ones we constructed to camouflage our nefarious purpose, and claim them for your own! And that’s why we keep ragging on you.

So we give up. And maybe it will be better now that we’ve gone public. You see we hold out hope, Shailene and company, that one day you will taste male tears and you will realize, mmm, ohmygod YUM, these are absolutely delicious... and on that day, you will join us.

Sincerely,

Feminism

P.S. Loved your dress at the Met Gala. Bold choice.

 

Photo via modestchanges/flickr.

Previously: Henry James, Reviewed by Henry James

Sarah Marian Seltzer is a writer in New York City. Find her at @sarahmseltzer or sarahmarian.tumblr.com.



21 Comments / Post A Comment

Lisa Frank

What does it mean to "hail men"? Is it like hailing a taxi? If I walk out to the curb, raise my arm and yell "Man!", will a man pull up and give me a piggy-back ride to my house when I'm drunk?

ru_ri

@Lisa Frank I love this comment so much. Hail men, yes!

chrysopoeia

@Lisa Frank Taking a dickshaw home.

radicalhw

#LOBMHWBPIENWOUWFVMTPride

idrathernot

@radicalhw BRB getting this as a lower back tat

idrathernot

Thank you, O writer, for bringing some humor/sanity to this fucking TRAIN WRECK. She said The Other Woman looked good because it was empowering to women.

I GET IT, "Cool Girls" of fame, you don't want to alienate anyone. You want to stay chill and sexy to men. I'm sure it feels like your career depends on it. But for the love of GOD, STOP DRINKING THE KOOLAID.

tofuswalkman

dafuq does she think the "competition" between women comes from? does she think women all sprung from zeus's head complete with innate misogyny? for fuck's sake. this shit makes me sad. anyway she's mad boring so whatever. new jlaw, my ass.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

This was the most hilarious, no-holds-barred shutdown of anything I have read in a long time, and I would applaud you, Sarah, but we are feminists, not believers in sisterhood like Shailene, and thus I cannot do anything of the sort because I would be lying to myself, much like we have lied to everyone who believed that we were about equal rights and the workforce and such.

See you when we take down all the men.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)
Actual gossip site headline:

"Shailene Woodley Is Not a Feminist: Here's Why!"

YouCan'tBuyACarWithCookies

This upsets me even in jest (not that it isn't good jest, I'm just feeling sensitive). I feel so tired of explaining feminism to people who think the Mens Rights movement is "just the other side of the argument", or that we're trying to get something other than equality. Ugh.

and it's not even my birthday

Did Feminism really write this letter? If not, that would be very misleading.

Sarai

Isn't this written by the same loud redhead who sang 'cry me a river' during a discussion about male suicide?

As the daughter of one such glossed-over (because WOMUN HAVE IT WURSEEEEE!!!!!') suicide, why exactly should I listen to anything she ever has to say about anything?

ohfiddlefaddle

@Sarai No. No it is not.

up cubed

@Sarai: Was she burning her bra at the time? Otherwise, possibly you are thinking of a different -ism?

AlreadyinUse

@up cubed No, I remember what she's talking about though. Lady with red hair and glasses; she pulled fire alarms and screamed in the faces of men trying to discuss their suicidal tendencies. You know, because women have it worse.

stonefruit

@AlreadyinUse huh what now? On this site, or somewhere else?

citoyennebrett

@stonefruit No, nothing to do with this site at all. IIRC the woman in question was reading aloud from an article by a completely different author from a completely different site. Also, she did not pull a fire alarm, she was loud and rude but did not actually scream at anyone, and I don't think any of the men she talked to were discussing their own suicidal tendencies. Also, she has received countless rape and death threats, and some dudes on the internet put out a bounty on her name and home address so they could harass and threaten her even more.

I'm not saying I agree with her, but nevertheless she a) isn't the pure evil harpy everyone makes her out to be and b) has absolutely nothing to do with this article.

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