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Tax Terms, Explained

APRIL 15

This is Seth Rogen’s birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.

IRS

I Rock Sandals
Is Ringworm Scary?
Indiana’s Rest Stops
Other: __________

REFUND

Kayak dot com forwardslash spring break forwardslash margaritas cervezas forwardslash J Crew bathing suit sale forwardslash SPF 85 because melanoma is a real problem

UNCRUSTABLES

These are all the sandwiches you ate this year. For every sandwich, you could get something back from the sandwich shop, but only if you wrote every single one down. How many sandwiches did you eat?

DEADLINE

Rhymes with “red wine.”

PENALTY

Delay of game gets you a green card.

Rough or aggressive play gets you a yellow card.

Unsportsmanlike behavior gets you a red card and you will be ejected.

You can deduct your “LAX 4 LIFE” tattoo because it is unforgivably boss. 

DELAWARE

Buy expensive goods in this state, then flee.

WHY AM I LISTENING TO MACKLEMORE

[Looks down at list of things I want to do in my life in order, flips to page 4,891]:
#18,346: Listen to a Macklemore song once
#18,347: Learn what a kaftan is
#18,348: Learn how to properly wear a kaftan
#18,349: Buy a kaftan as a gift, see if you can maintain your friendship with receiver of gift
#18,350: Convince unfriended person to come back to you with the promise of no more kaftans
#18,351: Sew a bonnet for an American Girl doll
#18,352: Try out ska music again
#18,353: Do taxes

H & R JENNY FROM THE BLOCK

Jennifer Lopez, licensed tax consultant.

Now we’re talking.

 

Photo via ncreedplayer/flickr.

Previously: How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.

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