Wednesday, April 9, 2014


My Correspondence with Spam Gary Sinise

Dear Spam Gary Sinise,

I am so glad to hear that you are a fan of mine (though I have to admit I find it a little strange). When I checked my Facebook inbox this morning, I didn't expect to see your name there next to Jana Wrewelwski asking "2 pls friend." I haven't thought about you since 2008, which was the last time I idly watched Forrest Gump. I like your work, too! You were particularly strong in that other movie. Saving Private Ryan, I think.

Stay healthy. I hope you don't get a "sinise" infection. ;)



Dear Spam Gary Sinise,

I regret to follow up my last message so quickly after my first, but I wanted to apologize for my bad—and probably confusing—joke. After I told my boyfriend that I was being courted by Gary Sinise, he corrected my pronunciation. Anyway, now that I'm here, I have another question. When you say how proud "we" are, who is this "we"? Do let me know if that includes Tom Hanks. He was magnificent in Good Will Hunting and Ocean's 11.

Keep in touch! I'm a big fan.

In health,


Dear Spam Gary Sinise,

I've been doing some minor googling ("Garyoogling", if it suits you) and I've learned you play the bass guitar. How thrilling! I as well am a musician. Is this what you messaged me about on Facebook? It's starting to trouble me that I do not know who is proud of me, or of what. Please respond with elaborate notes detailing which of my pursuits you are proud of. You can rank them 1 through 50.

Together in bass guitars,


Dear Gary (I can call you that, I know, because we are close, intimate friends),

I caught a film you were in the other day and it was a tiny heartbreak seeing you up there, knowing you were somewhere "out west," feeling pride for little old me. More Garyoogling has yielded a swath of results re: this "out west" place. Would you mind sending over an address and coordinates of your precise location?

I have to say, you sure look slick in uniform.




It's been two years since our correspondence began and still no response from you, or "we." I wrote out the tablature for the Aerosmith song "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" on bass guitar. I'd send it to you if I had your address. Your face looks like a mix between Rahm Emanuel and Vincent D'Onofrio. Do you shave your chest? Probably.


P.S. Apollo 13 was a gaudy misrepresentation of real American heroism and you should be ashamed.

P.P.S. Bruce Willis is a better actor than you.



Respond if you see this.




I'm sorry about that other stuff. I'm proud of you, too.

Missing a thing,


~~~hi gary ~~~~ xox pls friend,
dayna wrewrelski **** @@@~~~~


Previously: Grab Bag Spring Fashion Tips

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.

4 Comments / Post A Comment


Of course the first and only comment on this is a spam comment (from a repeat spam commenter too). Hairpin, can you do something about the high volume of spammers lately? I keep getting email notifications from ancient posts where spammers are replying to my old comments.


awesome,very simple.@n


Gary Sinise is really a good actor. I love him when he was in the Forrest Gump. - Banners Broker

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