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Thursday, April 10, 2014

6

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells like corn on the cob. He whispers something in your ear, something only you can know. Add an underscore, this is your Gmail password.

NUMERALS

9 x 9 is 49 and you were born in 1982. Your favorite cousin is 14, but your apartment number is 6. Add it all up. Take a break! How old were you when you realized math would forevermore be irrelevant to your life? Your password is STUDENTLOANS.

(No numbers or special characters. You have nothing of value to be hacked.)

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Make the password to every account the incorrect twist to an M. Night Shyamalan film.

Ex. 1: BruceWill1sWasALIVE

Ex. 2: BruceWill1sWasANormalDUDE

SPECIAL CHARACTERS PLUS FIRST INITIAL AND ONE NUMBER

8!@#$%^&*(D)_+ No one will guess that probably. I dunno. I'm not a computer bug.

ARE YOU WEARING SHOES

If yes, —> shoes1234
If no, —> jackjohnson420 

TABS

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. 
Which tabs stay open and which have to go?

Be real with yourself, you're never going to read

The 9,000-word report on GMO chicken feed

Close one here, close one there


Then take a further look
The last tab to remain open is your new password for Facebook:

"new paul walker movie release date"

LINKEDIN

LinkedIn doesn't even have a password protection system because no one has ever logged in.

BOOM.

SICK BURN.

ACCESS GRANTED.

HEARTBLEED

Classic M. Night Shyamalan twist: your password is Heartbleed.

COMPUTER BUG #1: Dude, I'm trying to hack this girl's Pinterest account to steal her recipe for spicy cheddar cornbread and get this—her password is Heartbleed.

COMPUTER BUG #2: Whoa. Twist. Let's leave her out of this.

COMPUTER BUG #1: Def.

GO FOR A WALK

And drop your laptop in the East River. Nothing can reach you there.

 

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.



6 Comments / Post A Comment

coolallison

I wish I was this creative.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@coolallison Is there a camp that's like a baseball fantasy camp but you get to pretend to be Dayna?

milenakent

Talented and beautiful.@n

lobsterhug

Perfection! I will definitely be using these as inspiration as I begin to long hard slog to replace my passwords.

cocokins

Haaaaaa, Jack Johnson.

shiv

Fact: half of the hairpin commenters are bots. And they've become eloquent.

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