Back when your three-ring binder was covered in Imperium Silver Crystals stickers and badly-translated kanji, chances are you had serious discussions with your friends over which Sailor Moon character was your counterpart. The Sailor Scout you related to most was truly an existential dilemma. Were you a brain like Mercury? A diva like Venus? A metaphor for the temporality of life like Saturn? These questions may still plague you, so here’s an easy way to approach the problem: the Myers-Briggs Test. Find out your MBTI personality type, and then match it to the corresponding Sailor Moon character below. It’s so easy, a meatball head could do it.
No one has ever accused you of being a one-trick pony. Like Sailor Jupiter, you can bring a Death Buster to its knees with one swift kick to the ghost gonads, all the while keeping an encyclopedic knowledge of muffin recipes in that bright little head of yours. Though you’re not often patient—you have far too much energy—you go through life based on experience and can take care of yourself. You may be the Soldier of Thunder and Strength, but you’ve got a soft side, too.
ESFP — Sailor Venus
There’s a reason Sailor V was famous before Sailor Moon. Homegirl was a model, singer, and actress before she decided to add “defender of the universe” to her resume. Lover of life, liberty, and the pursuit of volumizing hair products, you blaze through life like a tiara hurtling at Negascum. People gravitate towards you, just as Sailor Venus was second-in-command of the Sailor Scouts. It doesn’t hurt that you’re a total babe, too.
ESTJ — Tuxedo Mask
Admit it: you’re the “dad” of your friend group. You often launch into meandering lectures and rock enough ill-fitting sweaters to make Cosby proud. You may not have the coolest super powers (Lethally sharp roses! And a cane!), but you can always talk sense and comfort people when they need it the most. You can be a bit of overbearing dork (see: top hat), but people love you. In fact, you could say people treat you like a king. (Nudge, nudge.)
ENFJ — Sailor Moon
Wear those meatballs with pride. Your haters may call you a klutz or an airhead or the posterchild for Japanese schoolgirl fetishism, but deep inside, you have reserves of strength. Something about your ability to strive ahead—even when you’re underprepared or outnumbered—inspires people. You may not immediately realize it, but you’re a born leader. In fact, your leadership spans the space-time continuum—something to think about during remedial algebra class.
ENTP — Sailor Chibi Moon
You may be a sweet, little thing, but you have been known to grab the bull by the balls in order to get your way. People underestimate you because of your size or your age, but underneath those cotton candy pigtails, you’ve got the relentlessness of a battle axe. I mean, you take after a little girl who time traveled hundreds of dimensions and galaxies, just to give her future mother a kick in the shins. That’s some next level shit right there.
ENFP — Chibichibi
Okay, we get it: you’re adorable. You bounce through life with carefree ease—occasionally modifying people’s memories in order to suit your needs (but that’s just a minor detail). Like Chibichibi’s presence strengthens Sailor Moon, you radiate positive energy that other’s feed off of. But you’re not just a happy-go-lucky cheerleader. You’re smart in a way that’s not always obvious and those who don’t see that usually end up with a heart-shaped bruise on their forehead.
ESFJ — Diana
We have reached the utmost level of cuteness. You seek out harmony, like a lost kitten seeking her parents. You are unfailingly sweet, and all you need is a warm bowl of milk and an occasional belly rub to keep you happy.
ENTJ — Queen Beryl
Critics may call you a bitch, but you prefer the term “go-getter.” You don’t see the point in wasting your knowledge and power (whether intellectual or intergalactic) on people who are unworthy of your presence. Like the evil queen herself, you have a very clear vision of the future: you, on a throne, made from the bones of your enemies. Is it really such a big deal that you have to crush anyone who gets in the way of that?
ISTJ – Sailor Mars
Let’s all take a moment and bow down. Is there a more flawless Sailor Scout than Mars? Yeah, didn’t think so. Take some time to congratulate yourself on mirroring the same traits as the Soldier of Fire and Passion. You’ve never been one to make a scene. Instead, you radiate quiet confidence, innate sophistication, and superhuman grace. But then you also have the capability to unleash a giant fireball on someone’s ass. While wearing heels. Again: flawless.
ISFJ – Sailor Mercury
You may get overshadowed by your louder, longer-haired friends, but they know that without you, they’d be stranded somewhere in the Negaverse with their pigtails tied in a knot. Like Mercury, your brain never quits, and you make those homeschooled Spelling Bee winners look like dunces. But you are hardly a robot. Along with your intellect, you’re unfailingly kind and loyal, and to top it all off, you rocked blue hair long before Katy Perry.
INFP — Luna
During the superhero’s training montage, you’re in the background guiding them along, teaching them how to catch flies with chopsticks. You’ve always been able to cut through bullshit and see what’s most important. You’re a natural teacher, and you often find yourself as the de-facto therapist among your friends, doling out advice like catnip. You’re can handle any problem with wisdom and grace. Except hairballs. You do not do hairballs.
INTP — Artemis
You’re the brains of the operation, though you don’t always act like it. You’re a bit more easygoing than your partner, INFP, and this can get on their nerves. But that’s just the burden of your genius. You may be assigned to protect these teenage warriors, but that doesn’t stop you from developing a crush on one of them. Did we mention you’re a cat? Yeah, inappropriate.
INFJ – Sailor Pluto
In kindergarten, you were probably the kid who was allowed to take the class hamster home for the weekend. People have no problem trusting you. In fact, you’d probably be totally fine guarding the gates of time at the end of the universe for all eternity. It’s a lonely job, but you’ve always made sacrifices for the sake of others. You may come off as a little aloof, but once people get to know you, they idolize you. Planet or not, Pluto is a quiet badass.
INTJ – Sailor Uranus
A quiet assassin, you slash through life like a Space Sword through a block of PC-friendly cheese. You cherish your independence and have few friends – but those few friends are your life. You’ve never been easy to categorize, whether if it’s by your fashion sense, loyalty, or even your gender. You’ve never tried to shock people, but it just seems to happen naturally. You’re just too advanced for us mortal beings, who still can’t say your planetary name without giggling.
ISTP – Sailor Neptune
Like the Soldier of Water, you’re tolerant and flexible but deceptively strong. You look at problems from all angles first rather than tackling it head-on. You’re drawn to those who are your opposite, as you enjoy the challenge of butting heads and seeing things from new perspectives. It’s no wonder that such keen observational skills make Neptune’s weapon of choice of a mirror. Beside, you need something to keep that turquoise dye job intact.
ISFP – Sailor Saturn
Not going to lie: you scare people. Though you’re polite, kind, and sweet, you give off an aura that seems to say, “Cross my path, and I will blow up your planet.” But hey, you had a rough childhood, so what do you expect? Like the soldier of Death and Rebirth, your parents were a little “off” (like, mad scientist “off”) and you spent too much time alone. So in the end, it makes perfect sense that your one superpower is to blow up entire galaxies to smithereens.
Previously: 7 Haikus For Failed Hip Hop Clothing Lines
Photo via pasukaru76/flickr.
Kate Gavino is a writer living in Brooklyn. Her work has appeared in the Huffington Post, The Toast, xoJane, and HelloGiggles, and she runs the blog Last Night's Reading. Follow her on Twitter @kategavino.