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Twenty Additional Ways To Leave Your Lover

N.B.: Just get yourself free.

Tell her she’s fat, Pat.

Say that you’re gay, Ray.

Don’t answer her texts, Rex.

Get addicted to porn, Lorne.

Fake your own death, Seth.

Claim that you’re sterile, Errol.

Violate your parole, Joel.

Sleep with her mom, Tom.

Go back on the sauce, Ross.

Kill her whole family, Stanley.

Sport a facial tattoo, Lou.

Have her buried alive, Clive.

Build a time machine, Gene.

Sell her soul to Satan, Peyton.

Hunt her for sport, Mort.

Push her off of a cliff, Cliff.

Frame her for arson, Carson.

Trap her spirit in limbo, Jimbo.

Cherish each moment with this beautiful angel until one day in the twilight of your years she passes on, John.

Just never stop rhymin’, Simon.


Matt Crowley and Rachel Sachnoff live in Queens with a bunny named Ernie. You can follow them on Twitter @RachelSachnoff and @MatthewPCrowley (Ernie isn’t on Twitter).


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