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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

9

Twenty Additional Ways To Leave Your Lover

N.B.: Just get yourself free.

Tell her she’s fat, Pat.

Say that you’re gay, Ray.

Don’t answer her texts, Rex.

Get addicted to porn, Lorne.

Fake your own death, Seth.

Claim that you’re sterile, Errol.

Violate your parole, Joel.

Sleep with her mom, Tom.

Go back on the sauce, Ross.

Kill her whole family, Stanley.

Sport a facial tattoo, Lou.

Have her buried alive, Clive.

Build a time machine, Gene.

Sell her soul to Satan, Peyton.

Hunt her for sport, Mort.

Push her off of a cliff, Cliff.

Frame her for arson, Carson.

Trap her spirit in limbo, Jimbo.

Cherish each moment with this beautiful angel until one day in the twilight of your years she passes on, John.

Just never stop rhymin’, Simon.

 

Matt Crowley and Rachel Sachnoff live in Queens with a bunny named Ernie. You can follow them on Twitter @RachelSachnoff and @MatthewPCrowley (Ernie isn't on Twitter).

9 Comments / Post A Comment

TaffetaDarling

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

swiftsmith

Oh my GOD I love this.

Lucienne

DeLIGHTful.

and it's not even my birthday

Maybe we need an update for every new "Top Baby Names" list. I mean, what does one tell Aiden, Jacob, and Liam?

Lily Rowan

@and it's not even my birthday This page suggests Aiden might just as well be Satan...

Ooks

@and it's not even my birthday
Stone cold simple hatin', Aiden.
Start a fray at the club, Jacob.
Don't take time to see 'em, liam.
The number of ways has been grossly underrepresented by 70s folk-rock.

Tulletilsynet

And it's all boy names, on The Hairpin, because why?

Pin him on a dilemma, Emma.
Distract him fatally, Natally.
Lead him into aporia, Jia.
Hold back what he needeth, Edith.

tea for all

I AM SO DELIGHTED BY THIS I HAVE TO WRITE IN CAPS LOCK.

noelmarresascot

This is very interesting.... Thanks for posting this.
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