Monday, March 17, 2014


For Two People, A Wedding Announcement

Tara Marie Goldsmith and Rhett Ryan Johnson were married May 27th in Central Park. “A lot of people get married in May because it’s nice out,” Tara said.

The couple met on OkCupid three years ago when Tara was 27 and Rhett was 29. Under things he couldn’t live without, Rhett listed “oxygen,” which Tara thought humorous. Under things she couldn’t live without, Tara listed “chapstick” and “her friends,” which to Rhett, seemed good enough.

Their first date was at a sort of nice restaurant in Manhattan. When asked about the name, neither could recall. “It was the kind of restaurant with cloth tablecloths, not paper,” Rhett said. “No, I’m pretty sure they were paper,” Tara remembered. “I remember, because there was a jar in the middle with crayons. I was doodling when I got bored.”

They decided to go dutch because Rhett wasn’t really feeling it. “She kept talking about her family and her job,” he said. “I get it, but come on.” Tara also wasn’t that interested. “When I didn’t laugh at his jokes, he told me I just didn’t get his sarcasm. But that it was ok, because most people didn’t.”

Tara, however, pursued it. “My biological clock was ticking. I kept seeing on Facebook so many of my friends from high school were getting married, and I was just falling further and further behind. And Rhett was nice.”

Tara wanted to date a guy for at least three years before marriage, and she wanted to get married by the time she was thirty. “So, you do the math,” she said. Rhett had been in so many dead-end relationships; he just wanted one to finally work, so he agreed to go out on another date. “I mean, she was really nice,” he said.

They went out again, except this time, they both tried harder.

Six months ago, Rhett and Tara came to the conclusion they should get married because “it was time,” they said in unison. “I don’t want to wait too long to have a baby,” Tara said. “The older you get, the more likely it has like, an extra arm or something.”

Rhett agreed. “Yeah, we should probably have a baby before you get too old.”

Emma Barrie has also written for the New York Times and The Rumpus. 

16 Comments / Post A Comment


im glad someone else out there reads those the way i do.


@RachelTheC And that someone else is driven wild by the way every NYTimes article headline is formatted "For____, ____". "For the elderly, death!" "For Millennials, Waffles!"


My condolences to the joyous couple.

Lily Rowan

They'll name the baby Scarlett, right? (On trend AND theme!)


I do think that dating would improve if more people followed the advice set forward by "They went out again, except this time, they both tried harder."


Yikes. #igiveitayear That poor baby.

Chris G.

And who says romance is dead.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

As someone who is not very good at tuning his guitar, I've often thought an extra arm would come in handy.

O! Winged Wanderer

This kind of reminds me of those fun dating articles from The Phat Phree (RIP). I remember one was called "Hi, You'll Do" and it was so funny... and sad.

O! Winged Wanderer

Originally by Mike Polk of The Phat Phree...

"Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won’t be seeing much of them any more.
I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let’s get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess it’s time to move into an apartment together that’s about ten miles away from my parents’ house. Let’s live in this apartment for a year. Let’s go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents’ house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, don’t try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It’s all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year’s Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn't really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that’s done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semi-finished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they’ll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children’s toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.
Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semi-consciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight."


I was walking down the street when I thought I heard this voice say
'Hey, ain't we walking down the same street on the very same day?'
I said, 'Hey, señorita, that's astute;
Why don't we get together and call ourselves an institute?'

Vivian Cosme@facebook

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Soufiane Erman Dépendance aux jeux vidéo est un autre aspect culturel du jeu pour attirer la critique car elle peut avoir une influence négative sur la santé et sur ​​les relations sociales . Le problème de la toxicomanie et ses risques pour la santé semble avoir grandi avec la montée de Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPG). Outre les problèmes sanitaires et sociaux liés à jeu d'ordinateur toxicomanie ont grandi soucis similaires sur l'effet des jeux informatiques sur l'éducation .

Rose Winnse@facebook


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i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Zuma zuk for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he Dr Zuma zuk casted on him that make him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr Zuma zuk for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com. and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

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