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Monday, March 17, 2014

28

For Two People, A Wedding Announcement

Tara Marie Goldsmith and Rhett Ryan Johnson were married May 27th in Central Park. “A lot of people get married in May because it’s nice out,” Tara said.

The couple met on OkCupid three years ago when Tara was 27 and Rhett was 29. Under things he couldn’t live without, Rhett listed “oxygen,” which Tara thought humorous. Under things she couldn’t live without, Tara listed “chapstick” and “her friends,” which to Rhett, seemed good enough.

Their first date was at a sort of nice restaurant in Manhattan. When asked about the name, neither could recall. “It was the kind of restaurant with cloth tablecloths, not paper,” Rhett said. “No, I’m pretty sure they were paper,” Tara remembered. “I remember, because there was a jar in the middle with crayons. I was doodling when I got bored.”

They decided to go dutch because Rhett wasn’t really feeling it. “She kept talking about her family and her job,” he said. “I get it, but come on.” Tara also wasn’t that interested. “When I didn’t laugh at his jokes, he told me I just didn’t get his sarcasm. But that it was ok, because most people didn’t.”

Tara, however, pursued it. “My biological clock was ticking. I kept seeing on Facebook so many of my friends from high school were getting married, and I was just falling further and further behind. And Rhett was nice.”

Tara wanted to date a guy for at least three years before marriage, and she wanted to get married by the time she was thirty. “So, you do the math,” she said. Rhett had been in so many dead-end relationships; he just wanted one to finally work, so he agreed to go out on another date. “I mean, she was really nice,” he said.

They went out again, except this time, they both tried harder.

Six months ago, Rhett and Tara came to the conclusion they should get married because “it was time,” they said in unison. “I don’t want to wait too long to have a baby,” Tara said. “The older you get, the more likely it has like, an extra arm or something.”

Rhett agreed. “Yeah, we should probably have a baby before you get too old.”

Emma Barrie has also written for the New York Times and The Rumpus. 



28 Comments / Post A Comment

RachelTheC

im glad someone else out there reads those the way i do.

paddlepickle

@RachelTheC And that someone else is driven wild by the way every NYTimes article headline is formatted "For____, ____". "For the elderly, death!" "For Millennials, Waffles!"

Maria Johan@facebook

My name is maria johan from malaysia. My boyfriend left me a month ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been depress for the past one month and what i need is to get him back and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.Trust and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell which i use to get my boyfriend back and now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the relationship. and i am throughly grateful to this man,his contact email is ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com Thank you very much and i am extremely greatful Tel: +2348156885231.And there is know evil attach to his spell.it will only make your relationship very stronger.

Maria Johan@facebook

My name is maria johan from malaysia. My boyfriend left me a month ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been depress for the past one month and what i need is to get him back and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.Trust and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell which i use to get my boyfriend back and now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the relationship. and i am throughly grateful to this man,his contact email is ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com Thank you very much and i am extremely greatful Tel: +2348156885231.And there is know evil attach to his spell.it will only make your relationship very stronger.

mattewmc

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!@t

Bretley

My condolences to the joyous couple.

Lily Rowan

They'll name the baby Scarlett, right? (On trend AND theme!)

HelloTheFuture

I do think that dating would improve if more people followed the advice set forward by "They went out again, except this time, they both tried harder."

Oenone

Yikes. #igiveitayear That poor baby.

Chris G.

And who says romance is dead.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

As someone who is not very good at tuning his guitar, I've often thought an extra arm would come in handy.

O! Winged Wanderer

This kind of reminds me of those fun dating articles from The Phat Phree (RIP). I remember one was called "Hi, You'll Do" and it was so funny... and sad.

O! Winged Wanderer

Originally by Mike Polk of The Phat Phree...

"Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won’t be seeing much of them any more.
I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let’s get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess it’s time to move into an apartment together that’s about ten miles away from my parents’ house. Let’s live in this apartment for a year. Let’s go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents’ house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, don’t try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It’s all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year’s Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn't really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that’s done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semi-finished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they’ll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children’s toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.
Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semi-consciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight."

bureaucrab

I was walking down the street when I thought I heard this voice say
'Hey, ain't we walking down the same street on the very same day?'
I said, 'Hey, señorita, that's astute;
Why don't we get together and call ourselves an institute?'

Vivian Cosme@facebook

Hello every one there my name is Vivian Cosme from Canada I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Africa this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR ONIHA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 9 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is :onihaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

arkad

Soufiane Erman Dépendance aux jeux vidéo est un autre aspect culturel du jeu pour attirer la critique car elle peut avoir une influence négative sur la santé et sur ​​les relations sociales . Le problème de la toxicomanie et ses risques pour la santé semble avoir grandi avec la montée de Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPG). Outre les problèmes sanitaires et sociaux liés à jeu d'ordinateur toxicomanie ont grandi soucis similaires sur l'effet des jeux informatiques sur l'éducation .

Rose Winnse@facebook

THANKS TO GREAT DR AISABU FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEMS HIS EMAIL IS (aisabulovespell@gmail.com)

I was married to my husband for 5 years we were living happily together for this years and not until he traveled to Italy for a business trip where he met this girl and since then he hate me and the kids and love her only. So when my husband came back from the trip he said he does not want to see me and my kids again so he drove us out of the house and he was now going to Italy to see that other woman. so I and my kids were now so frustrated and I was just staying with my mum and I was not be treating good because my mother got married to another man after my father death so the man she got married to was not treating her well, I and my kids were so confuse and I was searching for a way to get my husband back home because I love and cherish him so much so one day as I was browsing on my computer I saw a testimony about this spell caster DR AISABU testimonies shared on the internet by a lady and it impress me so much I also think of give it a try. At first I was scared but when I think of what me and my kids are passing through so I contact him and he told me to stay calm for just 24 hours that my husband shall come back to me and to my best surprise I received a call from my husband on the second day asking after the kids and I called DR. AISABU and he said your problems are solved my child. so this was how I get my family back after a long stress of brake up by an evil lady so with all this help from DR AISABU, I want you all on this forum to join me to say a huge thanks to DR AISABU, and I will also advice for any one in such or similar problems or any kind of problems should also contact him his email is (aisabulovespell@gmail.com) he is the solution to all your problems and predicaments in life. Once again his email address is (aisabulovespell@gmail.com)

HE IS SPECIALIZING IN THE FOLLOWING SPELL.

(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) If you always have bad dreams.
(3) If you want to be promoted in your office.
(4) If you want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) If you want to be rich.
(7) If you want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10) If you want to stop your divorce.
(11) If you want to divorce your husband.
(12) If you want your wishes to be granted.
(13) Pregnancy spells to conceive baby
(14) Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
(15) Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.
(16) If you have any sickness like (H I V), (CANCER) or any sickness.
(17) If you need prayers for deliverance for your child or yourself.
Once again make sure you contact him if you have any problem he will help you. His email address is (aisabulovespell@gmail.com) contact him immediately.

ruth66

i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Zuma zuk for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he Dr Zuma zuk casted on him that make him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr Zuma zuk for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com. and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

Joes Candra@facebook

I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

Joes Candra@facebook

I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

Joes Candra@facebook

I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

Joes Candra@facebook

I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

Joes Candra@facebook

I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

Joes Candra@facebook

I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

Maria Johan@facebook

My name is maria johan from malaysia. My boyfriend left me a month ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been depress for the past one month and what i need is to get him back and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.Trust and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell which i use to get my boyfriend back and now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the relationship. and i am throughly grateful to this man,his contact email is ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com Thank you very much and i am extremely greatful Tel: +2348156885231.And there is know evil attach to his spell.it will only make your relationship very stronger.

Maria Johan@facebook

My name is maria johan from malaysia. My boyfriend left me a month ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been depress for the past one month and what i need is to get him back and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.Trust and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell which i use to get my boyfriend back and now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the relationship. and i am throughly grateful to this man,his contact email is ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com Thank you very much and i am extremely greatful Tel: +2348156885231.And there is know evil attach to his spell.it will only make your relationship very stronger.

Maria Johan@facebook

My name is maria johan from malaysia. My boyfriend left me a month ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been depress for the past one month and what i need is to get him back and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.Trust and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell which i use to get my boyfriend back and now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the relationship. and i am throughly grateful to this man,his contact email is ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com Thank you very much and i am extremely greatful Tel: +2348156885231.And there is know evil attach to his spell.it will only make your relationship very stronger.

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