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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

40

Reasons Why Everyone is Engaged But Me: A Sampling

I have been on this earth for nearly 30 years and I still don't know how to accessorize.

Sometimes I lie and tell the dry cleaner that a dress is "just a really long shirt" so they'll charge me $3.75 instead of $10.

Last week I went four (4) days without showering.

I thought being loved would save me.

I am still riding the waves of goodwill I felt when I gave $20 to the beautiful boy who plays violin in my subway station. This was, like, eight months ago.

I keep saying I'm a vegetarian but a couple of weeks ago in Texas I ate some BBQ chicken and really enjoyed every bite.

I once contemplated throwing a brick through the apartment window of the girl my boyfriend was cheating on me with. Like, kind of planned where I'd get the brick and also what time of night would be best.

I cannot toast nuts without burning them.

There are a lot of old classic films, like ones by Hitchcock or whatever, that I always claim to have seen when they come up in casual conversation. If someone asks me to recount a particular scene I say, "God, you know, I saw it so long ago..." and then wait for someone else to chime in, at which point I nod emphatically.

I claim to want to be a writer, to love the art above myself, to bleed for the words, but when it comes down to it I'd really rather watch Pitch Perfect in bed. 

I never understood how people always remembered the date of Cinco de Mayo. Such an obscure holiday, I thought. This went on until two years ago.

I eat too much cheese.

I order Manhattans all smooth at the bar, with a smile, and I literally have no idea what's in them.

My mom still thinks I got my first period about a year after I actually did because I lied about it. I'm sorry, mom.

I have loved more than one person at the same time with a folly and greed that now takes my breath away.

My short hair.

 

Photo via stopdown/flickr.

Meghan Nesmith writes and sleeps in Brooklyn. 



40 Comments / Post A Comment

Clara Morena

First thing. That is one cute little girl. :D

"I eat too much cheese"
Impossible

up cubed

@ clara morena Cute little girl who is accessorizing like a BOSS. The ring pop with the crown...

mattewmc

Thanks for posting.@t

coolallison

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH CHEESE!

I mean, I have other take-aways from this, but I first needed to express my love of cheese.

likethestore

As stupid and sad as it sounds, I sort of believe it's because of my short hair too.

calamity

@likethestore So that makes two of us ...

yunkstahn

In my case, it's because of my short my short hair and because I'm a ridiculous, unlovable harpy. :(

EM87

Meghan! We would all rather be watching Pitch Perfect in bed.

Melissa Miller

I don't have short hair....very un-engaged. Wah, wah. My argument that "I'm too awesome!" is wearing pretty thin.

dracula's ghost

No way. Short hair is back in a major way. HAVE YOU HEARD OF JENNIFER LAWRENCE. RIHANNA. Plus others.

I have had short hair since 1990 and I am happily married to a man who likes me, presumably because of my hair

SHORT HAIR FOREVER

Slutface

I keep choosing horrible boyfriends.

karenology

@Slutface Mine are very nice, until the inevitable mommy issues surface!

karenology

Long hair checking in, can confirm I am not engaged.

Any One Ninja Plot

@karenology But how much cheese do you eat?

karenology

@karenology apparently too much! in fact i'm going to go raid my cheese tray RIGHT NOW

coolallison

@karenology The cashier at the grocery store this week commented on how much cheese I was buying. (And the, um, bodily issues that follow eating too much cheese.) I was a little embarrassed... but powered through. BECAUSE OF CHEESE.

young preeezy

I also can't toast nuts without burning them! It seems so easy...

Euglena

Um, you guys all need to put money in the self-deprecation jar big time. We're going to have enough money in there to throw a giant party where we all cut our hair short, eat a ton (the correct amount) of cheese, and come up with other hobbies other than hoping someone will get engaged to us while we sit passively by not accessorizing.

Thecatfelix

@Euglena AGREED! You are not engaged, because you secretly know it is for suckers. Before I got engaged, I would say, "I could set my money on fire, or I could have a wedding." Now, that I am having a wedding, I think setting my money on fire would be cheaper. There is so much anxiety in the smallest decisions, and everybody's got an opinion on what you should do.

Yesterday, my friend and I spent the day texting each other sick Facebook burns: "I've seen cuter kids." "Has the baby been tested for everything?" "Congratulations! You got a degree right, not a GED?" "Great wedding photos! I've always admired how you don't care about looking good."

You should imagine yourself as that little girl saying things like, "So, him. I am happy you are finally able to get married, I know this is what you always wanted."

Amanda Kat@facebook

Enjoyed this article, but please, please tell me the "no showering for 4 days thing" was because you were on Mount Everest or had the world's worst flu or were locked in a closet by marauders because if not...ick. I'm sure I'll get a lot of flak for this comment, but I have to say it.

Logan Sachon

@Amanda Kat@facebook hah amanda i haven't showered in FIVE days

RNL
RNL

@Amanda Kat@facebook Can we stop dirt-shaming women?

OhMarie

"I have loved more than one person at the same time with a folly and greed that now takes my breath away."

TOO CLOSE TO HOME!! God, 19 year old me was terrible.

Edie W

@OhMarie
19 year old everyone was terrible, I'm pretty sure.

stonefruit

The solution to accessorizing is clearly to always wear exactly the same jewelry, day in, day out. That way you are accessorized, but in a manner that requires no additional thought.

Although that little girl certainly is admirably poised, my goodness.

PBandJ

I know this is a joke list, and I totally get it and I don't want to be a lame-o for saying this, but I still feel the need to note that not being married is not a thing there are reasons for, other than the obvious one: not wanting to be married and/or not meeting a person worth marrying. That is all.

purefog

On the nut-toasting thing.
I do it one of two ways: Either in the toaster oven, or on a gas stovetop in a dry heavy pan. (The latter is in some ways easier, because you can move the nuts around more and avoid great variations in toastedness, though this is not critical.) Three things ARE critical, however:
1. Spread the nuts out into a one-nut-thick layer. If you can't do that (too many nuts), then do it in stages.
2. After a minute or so, WATCH THEM LIKE A HAWK. The reason nuts burn for you is that they go from totally raw-looking to burned IN A HEARTBEAT. There should be coloration, visible in the majority of the nut population, before you pronounce them done. But don't leave them there longer than that. Instead:
3. Transfer them IMMEDIATELY to a cool platter or dish, again, one-nut deep if possible, and shake them a little to help them cool off. If they were almost done and you leave them in the (hot) nut-toasting vessel, they will continue to cook until they are either burnt or at least overdone.

It may take a little practice -- especially to know when you have reached the done-enough point in step two -- but I don't burn my nuts anymore after years of doing so as well as anyone. Except at the nude beach.

adorable-eggplant

@purefog Something else that may help (or at least this is the trick that I learned from Alton Brown to never burn another roux): do it in the oven on a low heat, so you have a longer window between toasty perfection and mini-charcoal nuggets. Maximally efficient if you have a toaster oven.

RNL
RNL

@purefog I do think us nut-burners *know* this. We just can't actually watch things like hawks because we have tiny titchy little attention spans.

splendorofmorgan

"I never understood how people always remembered the date of Cinco de Mayo. Such an obscure holiday, I thought. This went on until two years ago."

It is that sort of charm that would make me want to propose.

Can we have a 'pin open thread about all the ditzy things our brains have conceived?

OhMarie

@splendorofmorgan I love that kind of thing!! I had a conversation once that went like this:

Table orders a pitcher of beer; waiter comes back and says "hey guys, it's going just a minute, we're switching the keg"
After he leaves, a friend says "why doesn't he just get it out of the tap?"
"Well the keg is gone"
"Yeah but he can just get it from the tap though"
"................................where do you think the beer in the tap comes from?"

Turned out she had no idea that there were kegs under taps and had never thought about where the beer came from. Pipes like water or enormous tanks like a gas station??

Edie W

@splendorofmorgan
Yes!
I did not realize that the word "segue" was the same as when people said "segway" until ~2 years ago. I thought there were two different words that meant the same thing. I am 34.

catsjimjams

@Edie W That is such a good one! I just had to google. 29 over here so you saved me three more years of ignorance.

Lauren_O'Neal

@Edie W: I definitely used to think "camaraderie" and "comradery" were two separate words that meant the same thing. Reading "camaraderie," I assumed it was pronounced "camera-dairy," and then hearing it pronounced, I assumed it had to do with comrades and thus was spelled "comradery."

Edie W

@OhMarie
This reminds me of the scene in "Baby Boom" where, after moving to Vermont or wherever, Diane Keaton finds out her well is dry and is like "can't I just fill it up with the hose?".

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@splendorofmorgan I only recently found out that Everlast was in House of Pain. Same with Morrissey and The Smiths.

GoCeilings

@splendorofmorgan Until i was 22 and went to the uk for the first time, I thought the British isles were England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@splendorofmorgan I'm still not sure I fully understand what "like two ships in the night" means.

Beatrix Kiddo

I do that thing with the dry-cleaner too. It never occurred to me that that might be the reason I'm single.

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