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“PRODUCT DETAILS: This attachment for your bath will hold your beverage in a wine glass while you bathe.”

Here is a perfect object. It is sold out, which is understandable: I would pay $20, easily, for such a vivrant thing.

Here is a conundrum: I cannot find anything else quite like it to buy in its stead?! There are lots of wine-themed shower curtains, even ones that say I’d rather be drinking wine, which is a formal construction I find reprehensible: one must truly be about something before one talks about it, we must continue to value action over asininely expressed intent.

There are also plenty of wine trays for the bath, but they look pretty high-gloss for my blood. Wherefore the bath wine accessories for the person who sometimes accidentally squirts pet shampoo into her hand when she’s sleepy? Where are the party-for-uno tools that aesthetically insinuate a deep understanding of the fact that comfort is not always fancy but often quite the opposite and that everything is better when it just directly addresses the point?

What I’m saying is, someone please go on Shark Tank with a nice, simple dishwasher-safe suction cup for bath wine and I suspect that at least some portion of the Hairpin readership will immediately be on hand with a bulk order so we can live, collectively, our best lives now.

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