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Monday, March 3, 2014

17

March Horoscopes from Galactic Rabbit

Dear Love Bunnies,

March is hard. That’s why it’s called March and not stroll. Mercury retrograde is over, and that’s pleasing. But wait! Look: Saturn retrograde in Scorpio, Mars retrograde in Libra. Picture some douchebag at the club; he keeps stepping on your feet; then he leaves and two more appear outta nowhere. These new guys are like, “Oh, taking up space and jabbing you with my elbows? Don’t mind if I do. You want to have a hard time keeping your commitments and honoring your responsibilities and being honest about what you want? Cool, because that is what I’m about to serve up.” Bunnies, don’t worry. I went right up to those guys and was like: “Come at me, Bro.”

-With Fierce Protection, Galactic Rabbit

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): I’m in an airplane right now, and still I do not feel half as close to the stars as you must feel this month. You must be wiping stardust from your eyes every morning. March opens with a new moon, Neptune, and Chiron all in Pisces so this month is sure to take you on a deep sensitive and artistic ride. You’re excited, aren’t you? You should be. Where you crack open, beauty comes. Where you feel too vulnerable, Chiron is there to bring healing. Prince of The Sea, can you revel in the magic you bring while honoring the magic of others? In this time of intensive self-care, don’t forget we are all parts of a whole, separated only by the glamour of this life on Earth. The more you open yourself up to the wisdom of those around you, the stronger your own powers become.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You started this month running, didn’t you? Taking chances, tackling goals. Now your gallop has slowed to a strut and even though your road is just as open as it ever was, what felt exciting and full of possibility at first now feels daunting, un-ending. How brave you are, Aries, how courageous. I am always in awe of your spirit. This is when you get to prove your mettle: don’t give up now that you’re scared. Think about Buffy, that Vampire Slayer, who is a Capricorn in the series but is infused with Aries energy via Sarah Michelle Gellar. She slays vampires and solves mysteries like it’s no one’s business but spends so much time doubting herself: she forgets how much her friends love her and admire her on a regular basis. Don’t make the same mistake. And, if you start to feel run-down, un-appreciated, reach out and ask someone to remind you how wonderful you are. You deserve it.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Have you been feeling uprooted? Has something that defined home for you shifted? For a creature such as you, this must be highly uncomfortable. Not that you can’t handle it, you can. With your ruling planet Venus hanging out in heady Aquarius, you are all mind over matter. I wonder, Taurus, if you have been spreading yourself too thin, building up walls so that no one notices the mislaid foundation behind the door. You know how that Taurus Cher sings: “Nobody, nowhere holds the key to your heart/ When love's a possession it'll tear you apart/ You may have lovers wherever you roam/ But sooner or later/ We all sleep alone." Well, maybe she’s right, but we don’t have to live that way. You’re far too strong to have someone invade you, so open the door and let them in.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Dearest Twin Star, I have been learning a lot from you this year. I have noted your fearlessness, Gemini. You go after what you want like it was meant for you. You’re bold and brilliant in the face of new challenges. Why then, do you hide yourself away when you should stand in the light? This month is a good month to spend recognizing just what skill sets and gifts you bring when you enter a room, a project, a partnership. How can you be of the most use? What talents of yours lie in wait? Remind yourself that the more certain you are about what you have to offer, the more honest you can be with those around you about what it is you want. Your fierce kindness and your gorgeous vulnerability—they are integral to your humanity. They are the most beautiful parts.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Once, I promised you that life was about to start looking up. I wasn’t kidding. Jupiter is in your house this month and her moons are winking at you. You better get with the program, Cancer, and start appreciating the blessings she is bringing you. Jupiter is the planet of luck and good fortune, new opportunities and developments. It’s good to remember that doors swinging open can cause friction; with friction comes stress, anxiety. More often than not, we can handle what comes to us. More so, that which brings us joy, which often feels (and is) finite, is still a blessing. And, if any of those ideas don’t stick, think of Lucille Clifton, Cancer and Magician, writing these words:

come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Consider this passage in in Isabel Allende’s Eva Luna: “Reality is not only what we see on the surface; it has a magical dimension as well and, if we so desire, it is legitimate to enhance it and color it to make our journey through life less trying.” You’ve been putting in the work, haven’t you Leo? In fact, it seems like that’s all you’ve been doing. Nothing wrong with trying to get your life right and being driven but Leo, are you neglecting your emotional needs in the process of climbing up and over those hills? Tonight, after all your tasks are completed to your satisfaction (or set aside even!), consider taking some time to be still with yourself. No goal but to be present with yourself. Make your life a little less trying, Leo. Give yourself to yourself.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): There are rumors about you, Virgo. Word on the street is you fix problems, get shit done, and are the go-to in times of crisis. But what happens when the crisis you are combatting is your own? Ideas about your intrinsic strengths have bolstered you, given you pride in your ability, allowed you to feel and perform being strong. And that’s cool! Performance is half of being, and a good recipe for survival. If your inner life doesn’t confirm these rumors, Virgo—if it is taking everything you got to be your best self—hold on. The more you believe in your strength, the stronger you are. The more you honor your own experience without comparing it to those of others, the more you will be able to do for yourself.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Ok Libra, let me be real with you: some shit is about to happen. Mars is going retrograde all up in you. What the fuck does that mean? Imagine you are trying to give someone something. You’ve had it for a while. You’re like, fuck, I just want to be a good friend and give this shit to you. You get your little bindle (a sack on a stick, v. important) and get to steppin’. It starts to rain, heavy. You’re like uugghh but, whatever: you’ll make it. Then, you realize you are walking through a marsh. Shit’s gross but you’re like ok, fuck it, I’m an animal! You walk through, sludgey, a slow-ass wilde beast. When you cross the field, there’s a thorny forest. Well, that’s it. No harm in calling it. You take a rest because you’ve earned it. When you wake up, your friend has left you three messages about what a douchey friend you are. No one understands you or your good intentions.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Scorpio, have you been feeling like the captain of a wayward ship? In reality, things may be different, but in your mind, everyone is looking to you to keep the peace, keep it real and keep it movin’. That’s a little too much to bear. You’ve been making a lot of life-changing decisions, charting what feels good and what feels right into righteous Venn diagrams and you are at your limit. Perhaps this is because Saturn is moving retrograde through you. You can expect to keep taking on responsibility and commitment with a dash of Saturn’s melancholy and a heap of Scorpio preserving fortitude. That is, unless you take a seat, look around, and conclude (four agreements style) that whatever the fuck is happening, people can learn to take care of themselves.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Sagittarius, how about this old truth: About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all. Rita Mae Brown wrote that. She also wrote Ruby Fruit Jungle (one million cheesy gay winks inserted here). She’s also a Sagittarius. I like her and I like you too. I like you even when you’re selfish, even when you clearly made A Bad Choice. I like you because you are really fucking good at being yourself. The problem isn’t whether I like you, though, is it? You know what I’m gonna ask: Sagittarius, do you like yourself? You are green aventurine, a stone that vibrates adventure, decisiveness, intrepid spirit. Hold that stone to your heart: is there something you want? Take it. Is there something you need to leave behind? Put it down, gently if need be.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Are you having an Aaliyah (RIP, luv forever) moment? You know, this one: “Boy I gotta watch my body/ I'm not just anybody/ Is it my go, Is it your go/ Sometimes I'm goody goody/ Right now I'm naughty naughty.” Right the fuck on, Capricorn. It’s time you told someone exactly what you want and how it is you want it. That shit is a turn-on. What I like best is how Aaliyah, in the style of Capricorns everywhere, isn’t tomfooling. She’s like, “You wanna go? Cool but watch how you act and come correct.” Coming Correct. Never have two words felt so right together. Make sure that the people you let into your life come correct, make sure they leave you coming correct. What’s all that work for if you can’t play? What fun is playing unless everyone is having a good time?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Well, your birthday month is over, Aquarius: do you feel like a new you? I bet you don’t. I bet whatever it is, your heart just isn’t in it. If I’m right, then I have some good news: Venus, planet of love, desire, and the heart’s unyielding truth is in your house this month. A reckoning shall be had. The planets are dancing and making deals in the back room. What kind of deal are you ready to make? In Song of Solomon, Toni Morrison writes: “If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.” I think that’s great advice for an Aquarius. (Of course Morrison’s narrator is committing suicide, so it’s best not to take the advice too literally.) Don’t think about what you are willing to give up to stay safe. Instead, ask: what are you willing to risk to feel more free?

Gala Mukomolova is a poet ruled by Pluto, a planet in our hearts.

17 Comments / Post A Comment

supernintendochalmers

As a Libra, I am terrified, but I love the way you broke the news.

adorable-eggplant

@supernintendochalmers As a fellow libra, I am now plain terrified (clicked to read the comment before reading the post: am now bracing myself for the bad news).

ETA: hahaha oh brb, got to find a paper bag to wheeze in to. But it's so truuuuue and I'm usually not this whiny. Libra sympathy hugs?

Lisa Frank

@adorable-eggplant But Mercury was retrograde in February? I think we're going to be ok.

isabelle bleu

@adorable-eggplant Libra sympathy hugs! FWIW, I lived through THIS EXACT SCENARIO, down to the wildebeest, for the friend who left the messages was a Taurus. Eeeeerieeee.

bitzyboozer

@supernintendochalmers I am a Libra. I'm getting married next month. I'm a little terrified by this.

catsjimjams

@supernintendochalmers Oh man, same. And I can already tell it's accurate. Slogslogslog, will this freakin' marsh ever end? Nice view at least.

Galagalactica

Hey libra loves. Nothing the universe gives you is something you can't handle. The important thing to remember is that if your intentions are kind then you are doing everything right. No one can make you feel like a bad person unless you let them.

thefamousboat

THAT RABBIT IS THE YELLOW KING

up cubed

@thefamousboat Yes! Also, Pluto, always in my <3

stroopwafel

@thefamousboat CAME HERE TO SAY THIS! I love you. Too soon?

bippityboppityblue

The link in the scorpio blurb is broken. Looks like it's missing an L at the end. Or maybe it's meant to be broken to demonstrate the utter confusion that's ahead for the month?

Sarah Urthrat@facebook

Bring on the thorny forest, bitches!

Bob Loblaw

I am wondering now if the Hairpin audience is mostly libras? Or do we just love horoscopes more than the average bunny? Also, now I am scared of March. But I still love you SO MUCH, Galactic Rabbit!

adorable-eggplant

@Bob Loblaw I wondered the very same thing!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

No, but seriously, Galactic Rabbit, how did you know?

LearyJ

You gotta get to this place and check out their live in fitness camp for burning fat fast. It's a serious weight loss game changer!

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