Wednesday, February 5, 2014


How to Dress for Things You Hate

How to dress for your terrible office job: 

Black pencil skirt, large-print silk blouse, great bangles, tight smile that masks your inner hatred, heels that make your ass look great while people metaphorically try to kiss it.

How to dress for a dreaded double-date:

A dress loose enough that you can sigh easily, comfortable shoes for frequent walks to the bathroom, pockets for easy phone access, necklace for fidgeting.

How to dress for a restaurant job that you got out of desperation after getting fired from your office job you hated:

Black tights with runs in them, empire-waist black dress with cap sleeves and a low neckline, restaurant clogs that you hope will transition well enough to after-work social functions, earrings that maintain your sense of dignity.

How to dress to go fight with your boyfriend:

Baggy old sweats, comfortable boots in case his roommates are home and you have to take a walk, no makeup (in case of crying fits), sexy underwear.

How to dress to go break up:

Just call, it's 2014. Then crawl into bed naked and watch TV until you fall asleep.

How to dress for your first day back to the gym in four months: 

Whichever gym shorts still fit and don't chafe, your cutest sports bra. Socks with no holes (even if they don't match). T-shirt with the cut-off sleeves from that weird event to promote the latest Ryan Gosling movie that your best friend dragged you to.

How to dress for a first date that seems promising but might be awful because you just broke up with someone:

Flouncy red dress from the $29.99 sale rack, gold accessories with personality (a weird brooch!), those old-fashioned tights with the line down the back of the leg to keep with the retro theme, comfortable black ballerina flats so you don't trip.

How to dress when you think you're going to get back together with your ex-boyfriend:

Those jeans he always said he loved your ass in, tight tank top to emphasize how cut your abs are from the 9 time you've worked out since he last saw you, light cardigan to keep it casual, boat shoes (he likes those too).

How to dress for a job interview for a job you might actually love and excel at, which terrifies you:

Least-holey black tights, colorblock dress with empire waist (only been to the gym 9 times still), black leather jacket that you bought as a Christmas present to yourself, white knit hat from your childhood that you stole back at Christmas (for comfort during the commute: remove before interview).

How to dress when you're going to a party with your ex-coworkers and the boss that fired you:

Your freakum dress. Ariana Grande curls. A business card holder that holds stacks on stacks for that new, kickass job. Champagne flute as a mandatory accessory at all times.

How to dress for a six-hour bicoastal flight home for Christmas:

Stretchy leggings of any color, loose tank top, a hoodie with deep front pockets to hold your iPhone so you can still listen to music even while carrying 3+ bags. Flats that you can remove while you try to sleep in your seat on the plane, enough makeup that your mom won't worry about your health (but no eyeliner, which will smudge all over your face immediately upon contact with the airport).

How to dress for a serious family conversation:

The sheep + cloud pajama pants you and your mom made together one summer, big, big comfy sweatshirt that makes it feel like someone is hugging you, thick wool socks preferably home-knit, no makeup (you will cry), no phone and an open mind.

How to dress for a long walk through the snow with your family before they're three time zones away again:

Long black and red vintage Woolrich coat that you could've only found in an Oregon thrift store, the necklace your mom put in your stocking you're pretending not to hate, a scarf your sister made you, a single, contraband American Spirit to sneak-smoke later.

How to dress for the first time you have a New Years Eve with your ex-boyfriend who's your boyfriend again:

You don't hate this. Go to the party full of people you love. Wear whatever you want.

Caitlin Cristin White is a writer who lives in New York City. She likes puppies and poetry but hates phonies. She lives in praise of the mysteries.

20 Comments / Post A Comment

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

I kind of really loved this, despite the fact that I cannot get behind breakups over the phone.

Is it weird that when I go home I'm going to go through my closet and think of situations and find outfits for them? And also that I'm going to do more research on what Ariana Grande's curls look like, and if they are similar to my own? Please say no.

concrete dreams

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Sometimes phone break ups are okay I think. I found myself doing it on the phone to a person I was seeing for only a few weeks and who was planning to come visit me at home on winter break around the holidays. I was sparing him a long drive and money he was going to spend on Christmas gifts. It's situational and depends on how serious things are and what you think you owe someone. We had a rough face-to-face coffee shop meeting after I was back in town, and he said less to me than he had over the phone.

isabelle bleu

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Yeah, I think that the phone break-up can be acceptable, especially if you're not at the point of seriousness where you routinely introduce each other as bf/gf/partner/whatever. The last person I was seeing broke up with me in person, at our first visit after they were out of town for almost a month. I was super excited to see them, but it turned out they'd just stopped by my place to Do The Dump. After all of that anticipation, I'd sorta wished that they'd just done the deed by phone and spared me the trouble of depilation and hairstyling.


@isabelle bleu I did a phone break-up for exactly that reason. Our relationship was way too serious for it, but the alternative was coming back to town after a long time apart to do the deed. Also, I'd been acting super weird since I'd decided to go through with it, so it would have been way weirder for me to fake it for a few weeks, fly across the country and THEN break up with him. I did feel terrible about it though.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@moreadventurous @all
I jumped to that conclusion a little too quickly, I guess, as someone who was once on the receiving end of a phone breakup that could (and maybe should?) easily have been done in person. But, yeah, my experience shouldn't speak for everyone's.


Great job! Very creative! @v


Elitist much? "restaurant job you got out of desperation"? "maintain your sense of dignity"? Really?


@Meow I don't think it's elitist to be bummed about taking a job to pay the bills that isn't what you really want to do. It sounds like she was depressed and was dressing sloppy but that the earnings made her feel a little better about herself. I know when I worked retail in between working jobs more in line with my goals, it made me fucking depressed, but of course, there are people who thrive in retail and restaurants. That was not her situation.

isabelle bleu

@Meow I have worked in service my whole adult life (and for some years before becoming an adult too); I can affirm that there are some restaurant jobs that are awesome and some that you take out of desperation. I can further affirm that awesome jewelry can help you maintain your sense of dignity while customers yell at you & your inability to make what they want magically appear on the menu, while your boss steals your tips, while you work an unpaid extra hour because the last table out just wouldn't leave.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Meow For some people, it can be really hard to face the fact that you're working a job that you're overqualified for and not interested in just because that's what is available to you at the time. I understand that some people don't have a choice but to work in service, but sometimes people just don't like their jobs. It happens - especially in industries where people don't always treat you with respect.


Reading this while getting ready to go to my restaurant job, while in the midst of a break-up, feels like a punch in the gut.

For the record I am not wearing any of those things.


@ShirleyFunke hold on girl, it gets better


@ShirleyFunke this will work out, we promise. It only seems like Sidework Forever.


Wait. Why are you going to the party where the boss that fired you will be? If I am wearing sweats to fight with my boyfriend I'm damn well not going to spring for uncomfortable sexy underwear. If there's makeup sex he has to deal with granny panties.


Ok, quick: birthday dinner with the new "not my boyfriend yet" who I'm a little grumpy at because yesterday was actually my birthday and he hardly even did anything (a handful of text messages, mostly about how he thought he was getting sick) but it's a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and I always look for reasons to run.


@milominderbender 1. LBD 2. trainers You'll be ready to run.


How to dress for the awful job that makes you hate life but you can't quit because money: Required logo t-shirt. Oversized cardigan in an attempt to cover it up. Those Toms with the holes on both big toes. No 'poo transition hair. You don't give a shit.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@stroopwafel Sweater that you really only wore because almost all your other sweaters are in the wash. Shoes that have most definitely seen better days.


Chuyen phan phoi : http://maynenkhipuma.vn/

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