Our Clif Bars, Ourselves
WHITE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA NUT
First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne.
PEANUT TOFFEE BUZZ
My, you sure are grumpy today, aren’tcha? Didn’t have time to get your iced Americano today, didya? Better take this fiber-enrobed shit nugget to the face.
OATMEAL RAISIN WALNUT
Just eat a cookie chased by a hardboiled egg.
It’s the dead of winter and you can hear the satisfying crunch of snow beneath your feet as you journey deeper into the woods, fiendishly in search of sustenance. A winter bunny bounds past, but you are too slow to catch it. A reindeer with a meaty looking flank makes direct eye contact, but its sharp horns dissuade you from wrangling it to the ground. It would slaughter you with ease.
What’s this? you think as your finger brushes over crisp, log-shaped plastic in your pocket. A maple nut Clif Bar?
Despite your declared sanity, you eat it. Within days, the reindeer has devoured your body, and left only the wrapper and a note that reads “This person sucked” as proof of your existence.
CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER
This is the only acceptable Clif Bar flavor.
COOL MINT CHOCOLATE
Oo, ahh! Icy cold! Fresh like ice cubs! Minty like a gum commercial! Chocolatey like a—wait, no.
CRANBERRY APPLE CHERRY
The only time I ever want to see three fruits in one place is in a sad saucer alongside fried eggs, four strips of bacon, and a stack of pancakes at Daisy’s Diner on a Thursday evening at dusk. And even then, I am not eating those fruits, no way.
40 chocolate chip Clif Bars
-Deposit Clif Bars into a blender; you can remove the wrappers but it doesn’t really matter.
-Spoon mixture onto three cookie sheets, an inch apart. Bake for 12 minutes.
-Take out of oven and bury all in the backyard, while chanting, “You will never bother me again. I will rid you from my life. I will end you, right here and now.”
CHOCOLATE CHIP PEANUT CRUNCH
This is the most misleading Clif Bar. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A Karmin in Nicki’s bustier. Hold this one’s hand and drive it right off a clif(f), thank you for being a friend.
I can see why you’d think this would be a good idea.
CHOCOLATE ALMOND FUDGE
You had to know this wasn’t going to be a good idea.
When consulted about the consumption of cake as a means for energy during a sluggish day, Jillian Michaels reportedly lost her precious nerve and did eleven thousand crunches. “Do not mess with me,” she said. “Carrot cake? Get out of my gym.”
BLACK CHERRY ALMOND
No. Nope. Nah ah. No thanks. No way. Don’t do this to yourself. Nein. Shut up. Nahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
BANANA NUT BREAD
My grandmother makes unbelievable banana bread. Do you want her address? She loves visitors and knows Revelations like the back of her hand, which she will slap you with if she sees you eating this potassium poop loaf.
I hate you, are you serious right now.
Strawberries are red
Blueberries are blue
Do not eat this
Get thee to a nunnery
Previously: Alternate Diets For Your Brain
Photo via metalriot/flickr.