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Thursday, February 20, 2014

9

Our Clif Bars, Ourselves

WHITE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA NUT
First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne.

PEANUT TOFFEE BUZZ
My, you sure are grumpy today, aren'tcha? Didn't have time to get your iced Americano today, didya? Better take this fiber-enrobed shit nugget to the face.

OATMEAL RAISIN WALNUT
Just eat a cookie chased by a hardboiled egg.

MAPLE NUT
It's the dead of winter and you can hear the satisfying crunch of snow beneath your feet as you journey deeper into the woods, fiendishly in search of sustenance. A winter bunny bounds past, but you are too slow to catch it. A reindeer with a meaty looking flank makes direct eye contact, but its sharp horns dissuade you from wrangling it to the ground. It would slaughter you with ease.

What's this? you think as your finger brushes over crisp, log-shaped plastic in your pocket. A maple nut Clif Bar?

Despite your declared sanity, you eat it. Within days, the reindeer has devoured your body, and left only the wrapper and a note that reads "This person sucked" as proof of your existence.

CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER
This is the only acceptable Clif Bar flavor.

COOL MINT CHOCOLATE
Oo, ahh! Icy cold! Fresh like ice cubs! Minty like a gum commercial! Chocolatey like a—wait, no.

CRANBERRY APPLE CHERRY
The only time I ever want to see three fruits in one place is in a sad saucer alongside fried eggs, four strips of bacon, and a stack of pancakes at Daisy's Diner on a Thursday evening at dusk. And even then, I am not eating those fruits, no way.

CHOCOLATE CHIP

A recipe.

Ingredients:
40 chocolate chip Clif Bars

-Deposit Clif Bars into a blender; you can remove the wrappers but it doesn't really matter.
-Spoon mixture onto three cookie sheets, an inch apart. Bake for 12 minutes.
-Take out of oven and bury all in the backyard, while chanting, "You will never bother me again. I will rid you from my life. I will end you, right here and now." 

CHOCOLATE CHIP PEANUT CRUNCH
This is the most misleading Clif Bar. A wolf in sheep's clothing. A Karmin in Nicki's bustier. Hold this one's hand and drive it right off a clif(f), thank you for being a friend.

CHOCOLATE BROWNIE
I can see why you'd think this would be a good idea.

CHOCOLATE ALMOND FUDGE
You had to know this wasn't going to be a good idea.

CARROT CAKE
When consulted about the consumption of cake as a means for energy during a sluggish day, Jillian Michaels reportedly lost her precious nerve and did eleven thousand crunches. "Do not mess with me," she said. "Carrot cake? Get out of my gym."

BLACK CHERRY ALMOND
No. Nope. Nah ah. No thanks. No way. Don't do this to yourself. Nein. Shut up. Nahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

BANANA NUT BREAD
My grandmother makes unbelievable banana bread. Do you want her address? She loves visitors and knows Revelations like the back of her hand, which she will slap you with if she sees you eating this potassium poop loaf.

APRICOT
I hate you, are you serious right now.

BLUEBERRY CRISP
Strawberries are red
Blueberries are blue
Do not eat this
Get thee to a nunnery
Hurry up

 

Previously: Alternate Diets For Your Brain

Photo via metalriot/flickr.

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.



9 Comments / Post A Comment

muddgirl

I don't agree with a single word of this article, but maybe that's because my true identity is first name Ted last name Bundy.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

This is entirely accurate and a good public service. Thank you.

adorable-eggplant

Perfect. I had a White Chocolate Macadamia one today, and NEVER AGAIN. Where was the macadamia? Godawful bar of disappointment.

I do like the blueberry ones though but I would be 90% happy in a nunnery (like one of the ones where I take a vow of silence, tend an herb garden, raise shetland ponies, and keep my boyfriend on the side) so I'd say it's accurate.

adorable-eggplant

@adorable-eggplant Update: I had a blueberry one today, and it was enjoyable.

frenz.lo

You can pry 'em out of my cold, dead, moderately nourished hands, snot rockets!

idrathernot

SUCH an accurate portrayal of Jillian Michaels! "Picture yourself going jean shopping."

BITWEB

Our Clif Bars, OurselvesTOPLIST.

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