Sex or marriage? Haha, I forgot how fun these things are. May they never end.
"In the past, a fantasy woman may have been the young, single secretary; now she’s the middle-aged mother of three with a graduate degree." Glad you did the research to find that out?
Honestly, why bother leading with a study based on outdated data when you promptly pivot to your apparent true subject of interest: how middle class women feel about '50 Shades of Gray'?
I can't tell whether the statistics they cite are bunk or if I'm a statistical outlier, and I don't care, because the result is the same: this pretty clearly doesn't apply to my relationship.
When am I most interested in sex*? When I feel good. Sometimes that's because I came home to find The Fella has cleaned up and made dinner, because I just completed a project or sold a story, because my back doesn't hurt and the sun is shining, or because [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX].
What conspicuously does not have an effect on my mood (and therefore on my libido)? Noting some way in which he/I rigidly adhere to gender roles.
*Of course, one of the tacit assumptions in the article is "more sex = better," which isn't necessarily the case for everyone and especially isn't the case in relationships where "more sex" means "sex when one of the partners doesn't want it."
"Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. She is the author of “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and a contributing editor for The Atlantic."
Oh, she's a professional purveyor of terrible advice and obnoxious lady-clickbait? Never would've guessed.
@discombobulated Ahhh, thanks for pointing out this was Gottlieb. I didn't think to check the byline or I would have known not to bother reading it. That "settling" article, which was based entirely on "the women I know," was similarly unrepresentative of me and my cohort, and similarly dismally resigned to reenacting and reinforcing extremely limiting gender stereotypes.
@or Elsa! Why do I read these awful articles about gender that fail to respect me as a person? Must be because my lizard brain wants to be dominated by powerful Atlantic editors.
But seriously, I agree! I'd happily forgo sex if it meant not having to deal with the patriarchy anyway, but I've been with an egalitarian dude for 7 years and the sex is really good. I don't see a positive correlation between dominating behavior and my sexual desire, at all, so I feel baffled by all this.
Aeon ran a much wiser article this week about lasting romance in relationships. Basically: contribute to someone's flourishing but don't fuse your identities, share deep experiences and not just shallow "fun" ones, and become complicated, interesting people. So much better than "IS FEMINISM KILLING YOUR HUSBAND'S BONER???"
@discombobulated Just want to point out that this is actually more about "IS FEMINISM KILLING YOUR *LADY*BONER", which I think is a distinction... the husbands mentioned are generally pretty happy with their sex life, and it's the women who are voicing frustration about their own puzzling lack of interest in sexing up their partners.
Not interested in settling, thanks, though, Ms. Gottlieb.
I'd totally sex up my partner if s/he folded the laundry or cooked or fixed the car or in any way helped out with the daily mundane tasks as long as we were both down for naked time. I fail to see the problem.
I kept reading this imagining how I would grade it. "<---LOGICAL PROBLEM, PLEASE SEE MY NOTES"
Oh, this lady. Ms. "I turned down a proposal from this one boyfriend and now I regret it, so I'm going to go around telling all women they should just get married even if they're not really sure about it, because if they don't, they'll become OLD MAIDS."
Of course she leads with an anecdote from some horrible dinner party with her horrible friends, because if you and five friends are doing it, it's totally a nationwide trend. And of course she trots out that one study with the birth control pills and the sweaty t-shirts. Of course.
Also, this entire article: "I'm not saying egalitarian marriages suck! I'm just saying, egalitarian marriages suck."
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