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Thursday, February 27, 2014

17

Hot Paleo People

Before cheese, ketchup, and steamed vegetables, there were the Paleo People.

Hot, sexy Paleo people with stunning Paleo chiseled abs and upper-leg cleavage. Tons of thick, Paleo hair piled on their thick, Paleo skulls. Paleo women had gorgeous breasts ready to feed strong Paleo babies, and Paleo men had no penis problems ever.

The Paleo diet kept their bodies looking fine and smelling like a pine forest, or a smokey cave, or maybe a salty sea watery smell depending on where the Paleo person made their dwelling. They hunted and gathered and ate their way to beauty.

Paleo men and women would live each day of their super-human lives basking in the glory of their feast-or-famine lifestyle, admiring each other's bodies for no more than 35 years, tops. But until then they would enjoy all the red meat that the good Earth mother had provided them, as it swelled their arteries with honest to goodness Paleo cholesterols. Or, until Gaia's bounty of fruit and berries and grasses suddenly died off in a freeze or was decimated by Paleo bugs—hot and strong Paleo bugs—leaving the gorgeous, taut Paleo people to starve and leave behind beautiful corpses to be buried or burned before the stunning and majestic Paleo predators sniffed them out as food. 

Until! Oh, until one day when, as happens in the lives of every Paleo god or goddess, their teeth were ground down—looking as flat as their gorgeous stomachs—and all they could eat was the pulp of foods, starving until the darkness fell forever. When their torches were burned out and their bodies were made of nothing more than beautiful, sinewy tendons and sexy leathered skele-hands.

Though the Paleo people walk the earth no more, they would have surely been proud to know that one day, thousands of years away, their modern-day descendants would evoke their names for the sake of health and wellness. And beauty, don't forget; beauty. Not the false-start of Paleo worship that befuddled people with Fred Flinstone or the "lost" cave man on Gilligan's Island. Not the glamorous Paleo drudgery of Darryl Hannah or the "stares at helicopter with mouth wide open" Ice Man of the 1980s. This would be the True Glory of the Paleo Renaissance circa 2000 AD.

Raw and fresh and pungent! The Paleo Diet lives on.

 

Previously: The Kitchen of Tomorrow

Marissa Maciel writes, tweets and blogs



17 Comments / Post A Comment

StandardTuber

When I sent this, my email ads suddenly flooded with Raw Diet and skin tightener ads. Sooooo Paleo.

DullHypothesis

My favorite part of the Paleo diet is how actual paleolithic people ate mostly grains.

Paleo, more like faileo.

StandardTuber

@DullHypothesis You can take your acorn powders and wheat berries and leave the Paleo party, thank you!

idrathernot

2 thumbs up. No penis problems ever!

brista128

I think some of the anthropological reasoning behind it is a little bullshitty (how do I REALLY know what my ancient ancestors ate and also, no way they would be eating coconut oil) but...I don't care, I've lost excess weight with almost no effort (had to cook all my own food pretty much from scratch which is a PITA) and I feel way awesome. I wish it had a different name so people would stop focusing on the caveman deal.

StandardTuber

@brista128 No way the caveman deal is the best thing about it.

Perham

@StandardTuber What a n00b! Everyone knows about the perfect Paleo lifestyle. Catch up, bruh!

squishycat

There is almost no category of people I roll my eyes at harder than chirpy "Paleo" dieters who constantly post recipes that attempt to mimic not-in-any-way "Paleo" foods. I actually have less contempt for vegans doing the same because at least some of them are doing it out of moral conviction and are trying to recreate a taste they miss, but that they can't bring themselves to actually eat, ethically.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@squishycat

"less contempt"

I'LL TAKE IT

Sister Administrator

@squishycat I did a thing where we served lunch and polled for dietary restrictions (as is customary) ...and fucking lost it when someone requested "paleo".

de Pizan

@Sister Administrator I lost it when I was reading a paleo cookbook, and the author recommended that people claim they were allergic to gluten when eating out at restaurants. As someone with celiac, who in the last few years has gotten an increase in restaurant workers asking me just how serious my gluten free needs are, or has gotten eye rolls for people on the other side of the counter, fuck you paleo author lady.

shiv

@de Pizan God, yes, same here. Your dietary CHOICES are not a damn restriction. So much contempt for choosing the diet i am forced to have and then making us look like trend-dieters. Although in the past ten years of having celiac it's a bonus to have more options out there...

goldiehearn

Smart article…every time you bring up new topic and there are many followers backing to you. Hoping to see more articles from you. This article was one of the best for me. Keep in touch with your writings.Dosage Forms

jennyscott080

before I looked at the check of $6813 , I have faith that my cousin was like they say truley erning money in there spare time on their laptop. . there moms best frend haz done this 4 only about twentey months and at present repaid the mortgage on their apartment and got themselves a GMC . view it now >>>>>>>>>>>>>> http://moneydev.blogspot.com/

Jenny Scott@facebook

uptil I looked at the receipt which was of $5061 , I be certain that...my... neighbours mother truley bringing in money part-time on their apple laptop. . there aunt haz done this 4 less than 23 months and at present paid the depts on there mini mansion and bought a gorgeous Porsche 911 . see >>>>>>>>>>>>>> http://moneydev.blogspot.com/

pjckmen

I am grateful for this valid information. You have represented your points in an insightful and interesting way.

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