If you’re a lady who occasionally spouts the odd homage to gender equality and you’re considering existing on the internet, you’re in for a surprise. Some people already don’t like your stupid lady face. They think you’re going to come in and spill cosmopolitan all over the xhtml while laughing too loudly, ruining everything. Before we go further, answer these three questions:
a) Do you believe in having autonomy over your body?
b) Have you ever had a margarita?
c) Have you read a forum on hair removal in the last 12 months?
They’re going to hate you.
Consider using one of these preemptive internet avatars for your social accounts, and you’ll find criticism of your wily feminist ways beads right off.
A frying pan
Your first weakness on the internet is your stupid stupid face. Show that you’re proud of your Le Creuset.
Angelina Jolie’s unshaven leg
Beauty standards were great until you came along. Now you’ve ruined one of the greatest thigh-slits of all time.
At least your LDLs are healthy.
A feminist food pyramid showing recommend daily servings of manhood
There are many more meals in a day than mainstream society cares to admit.
A can of feels
So they know what they’re messing with.
A Diva Cup drinking a cosmo
Be their worst nightmare.
A tampon lassoing a wild uterus
Janet Manley is an Australian writer and performer in New York, and writes regularly for McSweeney's. She runs a monthly comedy show, BackFat Variety, in Brooklyn, and tweets @janetmanley for all the gingers.