INTERNAL PUBLISHING MEMO
In light of the success of French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure and its follow-up French Women Don't Get Facelifts: The Secret of Aging with Style and Attitude, the series will be expanded in 2015 with the following titles:
Older Danish Women Don't Mind Looking Leathery: The Secret to Having 5 weeks paid Vacation Days and Virtually No Melanin
With a charming blend of Nordic wit and insight, Lærke Pederson observes that Americans live in the only highly developed country that doesn't require employers to provide paid vacation time. This, Pederson explains, is why American women are so pale and sad.
Italian Women Don't Tiger Mom Their Boys: The Secret of Mixing a Stagnant Economy with a Fiercely Family-Oriented Culture
Concetta Olivieri describes the joys of having her 43-year-old son live at home with her. She berates American women for banishing their male offspring when they are so young and incapable of doing their own laundry, just so that they can go off and wear tennis shoes while eating rubbery, orange cheese squares.
British Women Don't Want an Honest Answer to the Question, 'How Are You?': The Secret of Living in a Culture which Commends Repression
Anna Perks, the author of 'Collywobbles in Bedfordshire', reveals why emotions are unfortunate and best left unacknowledged. She hopes that by sharing the virtues of British restraint with American women, they will become more self-conscious and aware of the ridiculous nature of their presence.
Saudi Women Don't Drive: The Secret of Using Religion to Justify Misogyny
Lydia Al-Bishri explores her decision to move to Munich where she can enjoy the freedoms of the West without binging on cronuts and Snickers bars.
Russian Women Don't Fly Commercial Airlines: The Secret of Landing an Oligarch
Sofya Lischenko is generally clueless but owns an 88 million dollar penthouse on Central Park West. She advises American women to smile less, particularly as they have so little in life to bring them joy.
Botswanan Women Don't Worry: The Secret to Being Happier than You
Mma Ramotswe explains why American women should feel ashamed for being so rich and unfulfilled all at the same time.
Finnish Women Don't Pay For Child Care: The Secret to Living in a Country where Politicians Actually Legislate Pro-Family Policies
Siiri Lyytikäinen notes that in addition to never being happy, American women will also never "have it all."
No Jamaican Women Don't Cry: The Secret to Being More Relaxed Than You
Violet Walker is mystified that American women are not only rich, unhappy and unfulfilled, but also so anxious about everything.
Indian Women Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: The Secret to Accepting Yourself Just As You Are
Priyanka Sharma wonders why American women even bother to read books on the subjects of being thin and happy when it's so clearly and internationally established that they have no chance of being either.
Kazakh Women Don't Remember Borat: The Secret to Resting Assured that No Matter How Socially Divided and Landlocked You Are, American Women are Still More Unhappy Than You
Lyudmila Baktybayeva dispels the notion that everyone isn't laughing at American women for being so fat and unhappy.
Cypriot Women Don't Deposit: The Secret of Being Overexposed to Greek Bonds
Elena Constantinou highlights why she's taken a series of domestic jobs once reserved for Sri Lankans. But even with all her troubles, she assures readers that she's still having better sex than American women.
Brazilian Women Don't Wear Tops: The Secret to Being Young, Beautiful and Skinny
"Grazielle" is renting out her favela home for the 2014 World Cup. She is much more beautiful than you.
Slovenian Women Don't Resent Melania Trump: The Secret to Being Young, Beautiful and Skinny in One of the Former Republics of Yugoslavia
Ziva Zajc is more beautiful but also taller than you.
Colombian Women Don't Mind Being the Sexiest Women in the World: The Secret to Being Young, Beautiful and Skinny According to Misstravel.com
Lucia Ortiz had a boob job but was more beautiful than you even before she had it done.
American Women Don't Feel Good About Themselves: The Secret to Thinking Everyone Else is Younger, Skinnier and More Beautiful Than You
Twenty-five years after her seminal book 'The Beauty Myth', Naomi Wolf is exasperated and applying for French citizenship.
Photo via riot/flickr.
Devorah Blachor writes a mystery series under the pen name Jasmine Schwartz. Her novels include Farbissen and Fakakt.