Grains are officially killing you. Try something else.
The year is 1979. Meet me, Frankie, and Tonia at The Palladium in 20 minutes.
Can you SMELLLLLLLL what The Rock is cooking? Kale salad on a bed of boiled air. FOLLOWED BY A PROTEIN SHAKE AND SQUATS, 40 REPS.
Watch closely as your lunch . . . DISAPPEARS. Let's go ahead and CHOP your joy in HALF. Now your joy is disembodied and exists nowhere, in the magician's fifth realm. If you make it there alive, you are permitted to eat as many churros with Nutella as your heart craves. If you survive, it is only boiled chicken and sprout juice for supper.
QUICHE LORRAINE BRAIN
Pop a few of these re-heated mini quiches into your purse at Tara's wedding. Pass them out like candy to strangers on the subway platform. For every accepted quiche, allow yourself one Reese's. For every denied quiche, slash one bag of flour at Whole Foods.
The farther north you go, the more likely you are to fall off a dock into lobster-infested waters. To be safe, eat a handful of unsalted almonds and go to spin class.
GUCCI MANE BRAIN
You can eat as much ice cream as you want, but you must also tattoo it on your face.
A train is traveling from Zurich to Geneva at 60 mph. Another train, which has yet to depart from London, will arrive in Manchester at 4 p.m.. A third train in Paris is delayed because of a small fire on the tracks. If you have to be at your friend's birthday party in 25 minutes, is there time to stop at Chipotle?
WHEN YOUR BELLY YEARNS, GOTHAM WILL BURN.
PUBLIC DOMAIN BRAIN
You can eat anything you want, as long as it was published before 1922.
EMINENT DOMAIN BRAIN
You can eat anything you want, but the government has the right to take it away from you without forewarning and turn it into a condo.
Tighten your fucking corset. Mr. Darcy is watching.
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Photo via shaunwong/flickr.