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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

2

Alternate Diets For Your Brain

Grains are officially killing you. Try something else.

COCAINE BRAIN
The year is 1979. Meet me, Frankie, and Tonia at The Palladium in 20 minutes.

DWAYNE BRAIN
Can you SMELLLLLLLL what The Rock is cooking? Kale salad on a bed of boiled air. FOLLOWED BY A PROTEIN SHAKE AND SQUATS, 40 REPS.

BLAINE BRAIN
Watch closely as your lunch . . . DISAPPEARS. Let's go ahead and CHOP your joy in HALF. Now your joy is disembodied and exists nowhere, in the magician's fifth realm. If you make it there alive, you are permitted to eat as many churros with Nutella as your heart craves. If you survive, it is only boiled chicken and sprout juice for supper.

QUICHE LORRAINE BRAIN
Pop a few of these re-heated mini quiches into your purse at Tara's wedding. Pass them out like candy to strangers on the subway platform. For every accepted quiche, allow yourself one Reese's. For every denied quiche, slash one bag of flour at Whole Foods.

MAINE BRAIN
The farther north you go, the more likely you are to fall off a dock into lobster-infested waters. To be safe, eat a handful of unsalted almonds and go to spin class.

GUCCI MANE BRAIN
You can eat as much ice cream as you want, but you must also tattoo it on your face. 

TRAIN BRAIN
A train is traveling from Zurich to Geneva at 60 mph. Another train, which has yet to depart from London, will arrive in Manchester at 4 p.m.. A third train in Paris is delayed because of a small fire on the tracks. If you have to be at your friend's birthday party in 25 minutes, is there time to stop at Chipotle?

BANE BRAIN
WHEN YOUR BELLY YEARNS, GOTHAM WILL BURN.

PUBLIC DOMAIN BRAIN
You can eat anything you want, as long as it was published before 1922.

EMINENT DOMAIN BRAIN
You can eat anything you want, but the government has the right to take it away from you without forewarning and turn it into a condo.

JANE BRAIN
Tighten your fucking corset. Mr. Darcy is watching.

 

Previously: Which Spice Girl Were You?

Photo via shaunwong/flickr.

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.

2 Comments / Post A Comment

shantasybaby

Not only am I obnoxiously invested in the gluten debates but I also found this very funny! My husband was kind of diagnosed as gluten intolerant and not eating gluten seems to help his belly problems (not just GRAIN BRAIN but also WHEAT BELLY) he still seems to get sick randomly even when he's really careful. I have some my own- Frasier Crane Brain- you can eat whatever you want but you will be a pompous windbag, David Wain Brain- you can eat whatever you want but you must be eating it with a cast member of Wet Hot American Summer, Raising Cane Brain - you can eat whatever you want from their delicious menu of chicken fingers and Texas Toast but you'll also become a rable rouser who is literally always "rasining cane" and everyone will tire of you.

novak

I have a cold right now, which I think gives me free license to eat more or less what I want, as I can't taste it and feel like crap anyway. Generally speaking, if I avoid gluten and dairy I always feel much better. Life is too short to not have pizza though. In that spirit, I have a few suggestions too:

Breaking Brain: wait for he who knocks before knocking back anything blue. Blue means it's more pure.

Wine Brain: drink one glass of red wine with every meal and snack. Meals and snacks can only be cheese or crackers. Never both at the same time. Tannins and free-radicals yada yada.

Meryl Brain: let Meryl Streep diet for you. She'll do it so much better than you.

Polar Brain: the cold burns calories. Only eat food outside in the snow.

Ill Brain: revel in the metallic taste of your own phlegm and too much cough medicine. Settle into a blanket mountain with a cup of warm alcohol and Netflix. Do not move for three days.

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