Friday, January 24, 2014


What Your One Direction Crush Says About Your Year

With the dawn of the new year, the astrological tides have shifted, giving new meaning to old loves. Read on to see what your One Direction crush—your most important zodiac feature—means for the year ahead.


It’s time to come out from the woodwork, Zayniac. You are the core, the xylem, the support beam. You smiled your way through 2013, but dimples can’t work forever. Have you been longing for more attention, more respect, more tattoos? Don’t worry: this year, the vernal lunar patterns will usher in a period of openness, making it feel easy — even necessary — for you to move into the spotlight. Some people may shy away from this new, more powerful you. Let them shy away. Your true friends, the people who have always known how bright you shine, will be happy to see you more clearly. Go strong. Go direct. Hit the highest note. Own it. Bone it. Sometime in August, this mantra will become natural to you, and wealth and recognition will come easily. You will have been planting the seeds of this seeming serendipity all along through these cold months, so trust the fruits of your labor, accumulated like so many cartilage piercings in the ear of your beloved.


Be honest, Niallaphile: you’ve been in a creative rut. No matter how fast the world turns, you’ll never be able to keep up. In the first months of this year, learn to pause. Take stock of yourself. Learn what you like. Discover your inner drummer. By the time you figure this out—around mid-May—the world will have spun back to you, and Venus will drift into your Ninth House of Commitments. That’s right: commitment. You’ll be asked to mature quickly, quickly, maybe even quicker than you can bleach your hair, but the truth is that you’ve been ready for this moment for a while. You’re stronger than you think, and your love of the softer things in life (the pink cheeks of your beloved, the way his voice breaks when he gets excited) are testimonials to this strength, not contradictions. This truth will become clear by the summer solstice, and the rest of the year will be yours to wear bad white hats and date someone much hotter than you.


You’re in for a year of it, Louis-lover. Your 2014 will open with a flash, and you’ll find yourself caught up in a whirlwind of adventure and fantasy. But how much of that hairstyle comes from the wind machine, and how much of it is pre-done with gel? You’ve spent a lot of energy trying to look casual and carefree, but below the surface you’re paddling with all your might. You’re tired. As Jupiter moves into your seventh house of Shampoo in late February, follow its tug. Listen to your breathing. Then listen to the sound of others breathing. There are other people in the world, and they aren’t just there to admire you. Be brave. Be kind. Do less. Move freely. Be silent. Wash your hair. Admit that you like Harry more. 


Oh, Harry-hound, brace yourself. The planets have some turns in store for you. Maybe last year you felt yourself tilting slowly off-axis, losing your go-to spontaneity and adventurousness, finding yourself blushing rather than laughing when your pants got pulled down. But 2014 is a new year, and these beautiful attributes are part of you. You can’t just misplace them. If you don’t believe me, the early months of the year will prove it, as the winds of adventure scoop you up and carry you to new haunts, new sights, new reaches of your soul. Maybe you will go to another continent. The stars suggest Africa. Or maybe your awakening will happen on a more symbolic level. Maybe, one day in late January, you’ll look down at the leopard-print infinity scarf wrapped around your neck, and you’ll think: You know what? Let me free myself of my possessions. Let me run naked through the mysteries of life. Let me send this scarf to Sara at [address redacted]. And go on, baby. Get that tattoo.


The first half of your year looks sunny, Liamese cat, but let’s cut to the chase. In June, you will marry Liam. You will make vows to each other over a bed of rose petals: vows to love, to protect, to cherish as long as you both shall live. These promises will soon be tested. In July, you nearly drown when — in an understandable error — your new husband misreads the blue mass on Google Maps as a “sapphire field” and drives you both straight into the Pacific Ocean. You survive the wreck and your love only grows stronger as you heal oneanother, body and soul. Google pays you an undisclosed amount as settlement, which you use to save orphans and spell your love in fireworks yearly over Mozambique, a place your husband long believed was a village somewhere near Scotland.

Go strong with Mercury in the true direction.


Photo via tumblr.

Sara Starsayer likes Liam best. She is not a licensed astrologist.

11 Comments / Post A Comment


This confirms that my Zayn crush is the best crush. Own it. Bone it.

christina tesoro

@backstagebethy I have no idea what any of the One Directioners look like, but Own it. Bone it. + get more tattoos are how I endeavor to live my life, so I'm goin with him.


Longtime lurker, first time commenter. Literally created an account just so I could share how utterly perfect this. As a devout Louis-lover I should finally admit that, yes, we all like Harry more. But so does Louis, so it's okay.


@tinycakevillage NEVEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR! Louis is the greatest, and this gif proves it:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic


really feelin this@m


petition for a day on which every post on the Hairpin is written in tender gentle Dear-Sugary horoscope-speak. Let's make an initiation, dearest Hairpin, I see good things coming your way.


Can someone translate this to members of say, New Edition, or New Kids on the Block, for those of us who are of advanced age?


@Brunhilde Indeed. I would take Depeche Mode or TMBG as well (although of course there are not really enough people in TMBG for much of a column).


@stonefruit Which one is the Jermaine and which one is the Tito?


@Brunhilde For our international olds, I'd like a breakdown by original members of Menudo and Bay City Rollers.


The Liam part of this is particularly incredible.

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