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Thursday, January 9, 2014

26

My Beauty Regimen

It turns out that the Montreal bathroom cabinet of Jane Hu, age 25, looks sort of like a CVS shelf in the midst of a hurricane warning.

SKIN CARE



I get up a couple hours before I’m supposed to leave in the morning and I’ll practice piano. Sometimes I moisturize before going outside. I like grabbing whatever is closest to me—usually body lotion, which I take to mean can be used for the whole body, including face. Lubriderm fulfills the same function.

I slather myself with body lotions. It’s pretty easy and cheap, but it works.

On a recent plane ride, I rubbed hand lotion over my face. It’s really hydrating, so I don’t look like a prune after flying.

I frequently go to bed with makeup on. I’m a busy girl. I don’t get clogged pores. Seriously, scientifically, what is happening there?

MAKEUP

I was told years ago by this magazine that I shouldn’t leave the house without makeup on. Other people might take offense if you don’t.

I like eyeliner because my eyes need all the widening they can get. Mascara, too.

Foundation is a nightmare. Do they make foundation for my skintone? I'm Chinese, so, asking for literally a billion people.

HAIR

I use shampoo. Sometimes I buy curl-enhancing shampoo, for funsies.

For cuts, I’m not fussy. I’ve been to all sorts of hair salons in Canada, and they always fuck it up because, "Wow, your hair is really thick." Once my hairdresser gave me a bob and then said at the end, "You look like bubble tea girl." There are so many fantastic haircutters in the city. Everybody’s hair looks much better than it used to. [Ed. note: Thank you.]

SERVICES

I tried to get my eyebrows done before, but they were like, “I’m sorry, I can’t do anything with your non-existent arches.”

I’ve been told I have really nice piano hands. Thanks, but all credit goes to the Lubriderm. The 'derm, I like to call it.

FITNESS AND DIET

Practicing piano is a necessary part of the day. I practiced this morning. I like to run, but I don’t have enough time to do it. My secret is I eat poutine every single day and I pour maple syrup in my shoes. It’s very important. You can be the most beautiful person on earth, and if you're not white, thin, or a unicorn, you won’t be beautiful.

 

Previously: In Praise of Adèle Exarchopolous

Photo via slice/flickr.

Jane Hu is a writer living in Montreal.



26 Comments / Post A Comment

lemonadefish

Does pouring maple syrup in your shoes only work if you're Canadian, or should Americans try it to?

stuffisthings

@lemonadefish you have to use nacho cheese, or sweet iced tea if you're south of the Mason-Dixon.

Jill_Tata

beautiful, is perfect@k

Jill_Tata

thank you very nice@k

HereKitty

Eagerly awaiting the next appearance of the IS JANE HU MARTHA STEWART??? tag. Seriously.

City_Dater

@HereKitty

Has anyone ever seen them together? See?!

dracula's ghost

Might I just point out how shocking it is to find such egregious sentence errors in our newspaper of record? To whit:

"It turns out that the Bedford, N.Y., bathroom cabinet of Martha Stewart, 72, is as well stocked as its gardening shed."

Excuse me, as WHAT'S gardening shed? The bathroom cabinet's gardening shed??? Or did they mean as Martha Stewart's gardening shed, in which case surely that "its" ought to be a "her"?? Clearly this sentence is meant to say that Martha Stewart's HOME has both a well-stocked bathroom cabinet and gardening shed, but that crucial subject-noun has been left out. Good job, THE NEW YORK TIMES

I'm sorry but it really chaps my ass. This is shit my freshmen do. America where did we lose our way

stuffisthings

@dracula's ghost She's got a LOT of money -- who says her bathroom cabinet doesn't have its own garden shed?

City_Dater

@stuffisthings

Martha's dogs have their own garden shed. It's where they hide when they think she might bite them in the face.

MissMushkila

@dracula's ghost Seriously though. I just read things with a pen now, so that I can correct the errors in all of my printed materials. Otherwise the grammatical mistakes make me twitchy.

dracula's ghost

Also this is an excellent satire and I love every word of it

dracula's ghost

Also what this country needs is a GUILLOTINE

stonefruit

So, this was perfect.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

"asking for literally a billion people"

LOVE.

Jane, I live in the same city as you, do you want to be best friends even though I am not a unicorn?

josh_speed

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Yes! Can I get a whoop whoop for Montreal? [Even though it sucks soo soo bad in the winter?]

Jane Hu@twitter

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Hee, yes!!!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@josh_speed whoop whoop! (I am not looking forward to going outside later)
@Jane Hu@twitter yayyyy!

almostsixtydamnit

I love this so so so much. Salve on the horrible burn of that stupid original Martha and all of her stupid crap article

commanderbanana

Re: foundation, seriously. I have pale but olive undertoned skin and it's hella hard to find foundation that's light enough without being pink. It's like they assume that if you're fair, you're a blond or a redhead. Dr. Jart's is pretty good.

Roxanne Rholes

@commanderbanana I like the NARS tinted moisturizer in Alaska - it's the lightest shade they have, but it's more yellow than pink.

Also, is yellow...olive? I am pretty pale, and most of my genetic heritage is English, German, and French, but most light foundations are too pinkish to match me. And olive is...what, greenish? SKIN IS WEIRD.

celeec4@twitter

@commanderbanana That's rough, foundation matches are difficult! I'm pretty lucky in that I'm usually in a medium enough skin color (though, really, what's medium, wtf does that even mean?!) that if a line makes something with yellow undertones in addition to/in place of pink that I should be able to find a match.

ladyexlibris

yes to slathering lotion all over yourself all the time.

yes to maple syrup in your shoes.

yes to practicing piano. this just made me feel slightly guilty because that was my new year's resolution (to practice every day).

myeviltwin

This was SOOOOOooooo good. Like Baba Yaga level good.

Beeting sports

Everything is very open with a very clear explanation of the challenges. It was really informative. Your website is very helpful. Thanks for sharing!ibcbet

mariajohnson

I drink plenty of water to keep myself hydrated and this helps to glow my skin. I have nasolabial wrinkle which looks very unattractive.

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