Future Romantic Adaptations of Classic Literature

Kristen Stewart has signed on to play the lead in “Like Crazy” director Drake Doremus’ futuristic love story “Equals,” … [which she] describes as a slightly updated version of the 1956 film “1984,” based on George Orwell’s classic 1949 novel. “I’m terrified of it,” said the 23-year-old actress in a recent interview. “Though it’s a movie with a really basic concept, it’s overtly ambitious.” [AP]

• Romantic Lord of the Flies, retitled Flie Boys, starring Harry Styles as Ralph. Zac and Cody will split the role of Piggy. “It’s like a mashup of Stand By Me and Brokeback Mountain,” said Styles, who frowned as he read off his cue card.

• Romantic Macbeth, retitled House of Incarnadine, starring Robin Wright-Penn as Lady Macbeth and Russell Crowe as Macbeth. Wright-Penn moaned heavily when asked for comment, after which Ben Foster came out from under the table and gave the reporter a thumbs-up.

• Romantic Slaughterhouse-Five, retitled Everything was Beautiful, starring Blake Lively as Montana Wildhack and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Billy Pilgrim. “The Cheesecake Factory should have Michelin stars,” said Lively.

• Romantic Beowulf, retitled I’m Friends with the Monster, starring Rihanna as Grendel and Eminem as Beowulf. Diplo, Avicii and Calvin Harris are all in the running to play Hrothgar. The sex scenes will not be simulated.

• Romantic The Things They Carried, retitled And The Heaviest of All Was Love, starring Chloe Grace Moretz as Martha and Jaden Smith as Jimmy Cross. “The Current Population Of Earth Is 7,124,102,180,” said Smith.

• Romantic Old Man and the Sea, retitled So Much Seamen, starring George Clooney as Santiago and Jennifer Lawrence as the fish, whose role has been slightly reworked. “I hope I can make this mer-bitch likable,” chuckled Lawrence, before bursting into tears. Rumors are swirling about the possibility of a doge in the boat.

What else we got?

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