Friday, January 17, 2014


Future Romantic Adaptations of Classic Literature

Kristen Stewart has signed on to play the lead in "Like Crazy" director Drake Doremus' futuristic love story "Equals," … [which she] describes as a slightly updated version of the 1956 film "1984," based on George Orwell's classic 1949 novel. "I'm terrified of it," said the 23-year-old actress in a recent interview. "Though it's a movie with a really basic concept, it's overtly ambitious." [AP]

• Romantic Lord of the Flies, retitled Flie Boys, starring Harry Styles as Ralph. Zac and Cody will split the role of Piggy. "It's like a mashup of Stand By Me and Brokeback Mountain," said Styles, who frowned as he read off his cue card.

• Romantic Macbeth, retitled House of Incarnadine, starring Robin Wright-Penn as Lady Macbeth and Russell Crowe as Macbeth. Wright-Penn moaned heavily when asked for comment, after which Ben Foster came out from under the table and gave the reporter a thumbs-up.

• Romantic Slaughterhouse-Five, retitled Everything was Beautiful, starring Blake Lively as Montana Wildhack and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Billy Pilgrim. "The Cheesecake Factory should have Michelin stars," said Lively.

• Romantic Beowulf, retitled I'm Friends with the Monster, starring Rihanna as Grendel and Eminem as Beowulf. Diplo, Avicii and Calvin Harris are all in the running to play Hrothgar. The sex scenes will not be simulated.

• Romantic The Things They Carried, retitled And The Heaviest of All Was Love, starring Chloe Grace Moretz as Martha and Jaden Smith as Jimmy Cross. "The Current Population Of Earth Is 7,124,102,180," said Smith.

• Romantic Old Man and the Sea, retitled So Much Seamen, starring George Clooney as Santiago and Jennifer Lawrence as the fish, whose role has been slightly reworked. "I hope I can make this mer-bitch likable," chuckled Lawrence, before bursting into tears. Rumors are swirling about the possibility of a doge in the boat.

What else we got?

21 Comments / Post A Comment

and it's not even my birthday

Romantic Of Mice and Men, retitled "Like Bunny Rabbits," starring Channing Tatum as Lennie and Justin Timberlake as George, with an alternate ending that earns it a rating of NC-42 And Only In Certain Parts of San Francisco. Nonetheless, Tatum wins a Golden Globe for "Best Actor Not Going Full Retard."


is so promising@j


Don't hate me (fine, hate me) but I think you mean Hrothgar.

Old Man and the Sea was spot on, though, spot on.

And here's mine: Romantic The Sun Also Rises, surprise, it does work.


@adorable-eggplant haha oh my god thanks i'm fixing that. SO FRIDAY


@j-i-a It's cool, I studied OE as an undergrad and have a million times answered the question, "You mean, like, Shakespeare?", so I am always pleased when it's in the ballpark.

And Beowulf: 1) it's so good, despite what you may have thought after watching the CGI version with Angelina Jolie. 2) It's not even the best OE poem (The Wanderer FTW! http://www.anglo-saxons.net/hwaet/?do=get&type=text&id=wdr)


@adorable-eggplant How that time has passed, hidden under darkness: as if it never was. #sogood Gahhh I am getting all misty-eyed.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

There was already a movie called "Like Crazy," wasn't there? Time for a second edition of Lee Daniels The Butler title wars!

Someone who is cleverer than me, please write a romantic adaptation of a Philip K. Dick novel, with a soundtrack by Taylor Swift. thx


@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) The 1984 update-or-whatever is Equals, not Like Crazy.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Lucienne Whoops. I saw an imaginary comma and read "Kristen Stewart has signed on to play the lead in "Like Crazy," director Drake Doremus' futuristic love story..."
Then I realized that no, that is not the title of the movie that is being discussed, but rather the exact movie that I was thinking of.



i mean, 1984 does turn into a love story, sort of. the movie will still be terrible.


Romantic "Fathers and Sons" retitled "Nihilust" starring Christian Bale as Bazarov, Daniel Radcliffe as Arkady, Cate Blanchett as Madame Odintsova, and Amy Adams as Katya.
In this modern American iteration of Ivan Turgenev's classic novel, Arkady returns to his bucolic Upstate New York home after graduating from University. With him he brings Bazarov, a chiseled nihilist with a nascent career in investment banking. Bazarov worships only pleasure and money, asserting that love is incompatible with modern man; he has been fucking Arkady for months now, but eschews the notion that he's gay. Arkady, a gay, sentimental author-to-be who pens Thought Catalog lists about twentysomething sexual identity in the twentysomethingth century, is deeply in love with Bazarov, but must hide the relationship from his traditionalist parents, who find Bazarov arrogant and unpleasant, though clearly brilliant.
Arkady and Bazarov set out for New York City, where they fall under the spell of Manhattan socialite Madame Odintsova. Though they only stay at her apartment a few days, their lives are forever changed. Bazarov begins to fall for Madame Odintsova, having never experienced a woman of such independence and means; Arkady begins to fall into depression, watching his love fall for a woman; Madame Odintsova's coquettish sister Katya falls for Arkady, hopelessly unaware that he is a homosexual. Bazarov attempts to forcefully kiss Madame Odintsova, but is rejected and flees in disgrace, apoplectic that his emotions led him to display such vulnerability. Arkady is devastated.
Bazarov returns to his country estate, is a real dick to his parents, and eventually returns to New York, where, to his shock, he finds Arkady and Katya living in Madame Odintsova's Brooklyn apartment in a polyamorous relationship with an older, gaunt sex blogger played by Jared Leto.
Bazarov is at once jealous and lonely but also disdainful of such emotions, as he is a nihilist financier. He pours himself into his work on Wall Street but cannot shake the specter of Madame Odintsova and Arkady in his heart. Morose and inured to life and its trappings, Bazarov jumps out of a skyscraper window, despite the fact that the market is booming. He dies on impact; Madame Odintsova opts not to attend the funeral, but Arkady, Katya, and gaunt Jared Leto are there, hand in hand in hand, though only Arkady sheds a tear.


@Kalorama_Kat Did you recently watch Gouttes d'eau sur pierres brulantes by any chance?


@Lucienne no, but I did read Fathers and Sons ten years ago and remember thinking that Bazarov was probably pretty sexy in a deplorable asshole with a nice body sort of way.


Romantic "A Passage to India," retitled "The Caves," starring Jennifer Lawrence as Adela Quested and, naturally, Aziz Ansari as the native Dr. Aziz. In this iteration of E.M. Forster's classic novel, Adela and Dr. Aziz get consensually freaky in the Marabar Caves but are discovered by Mrs. Moore (played by Dame Judi Dench), the mother of Adela's fiance Ronny (played by Ralph Fiennes). Horrified, she alerts the authorities and a show trial ensues, with Adela examined and berated by British magistrates and Indian defense lawyers alike; she must either betray her lover and condemn him to death or betray her homeland and condemn Ronny to shame. But really this is just a vehicle for the cave sex scene.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Kalorama_Kat would this be a Serious Love Story or like a screwball romantic comedy? Because I kind of want there to be a song over the end credits sung by Aziz Ansari.


How about romantic "Ethan Frome," not retitled, and with essentially the same plot, except dopey Ethan Frome ACTUALLY MAKES A MOVE ON MATTIE BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT ZEENA IS OUT OF TOWN AND TOTALLY AWFUL !!! Mattie (Amy Adams) and Ethan (Benedict Cumberbatch) have awkward sex for a few minutes, she gets pregnant, Zeena (Meryl Streep) comes home, and then it actually almost sort of makes sense for Mattie and Ethan to try that toboggan suicide pact. But alas, they survive, Mattie has the child, and Zeena, Ethan, Mattie, and the baby all live unhappily ever after, but at least Ethan isn't a virgin in this one.


@Kalorama_Kat hahahahahahahahah oh my god pitch all of these to a studio i'd watch every one


@Kalorama_Kat Except, do rename it "Toboggan Suicide Pact".


@j-i-a thanksomuch! This is one of my favorite things on here in memory.


@adorable-eggplant already a band name, shit! Damn gutterpunks.


Romantic Waiting For Nothing starring Robert Pattinson as the vagrant and Anne Hathaway as the plucky, nymph-like prostitute who saves him from poverty with the power of her love and they ride the rails holding hands into the sunset!

Possible tagline?: Not even the Great Depression could stop the Greatest Romance.

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account