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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

20

Dating Profiles, Edited for Honesty

Age: 42
Interests: Literature, Lesbians, Hand-fasting
Marital Status: Divorced
About Me: My ex-wife is a lesbian and I am writing a novel in which many lesbians fall in love with the same man. One of the main characters, also a lesbian, becomes so jealous that she consults a bruja and puts a curse on every woman who’s ever slept with the narrator, dooming them to meet elaborate Final Destination-style ends. He follows the chain of death, trying vainly to save his former lovers, until finally he reaches the older woman who took his virginity in his teens. Ecstatic, he asks why the curse doesn’t affect her, to which she replies: Because I never loved you. I also relate a lot to the Vikings; I’m kind of a Thor or an Odin.

* * *

Age: 28
Interests: Short Stories, Beer, San Francisco
Hair: Shiny.
About Me: I will ask you, on our third drink, the worst thing you’ve ever done. That cruel thing you said to your sister when you were ten will serve as an interesting counterpoint to my narrative about how I left San Francisco after having an affair with my best friend’s (and business partner) wife, ruining their marriage, our business, and all my friendships in that close-knit circle in one fell adulterous swoop. I am an excellent raconteur. I will be surprised when you won’t let me kiss you.

* * *

Occupation: Lawyer
Favorite Book, Movie, Music, Food: The World According To Garp, The World According to Garp, Elvis Costello, Cheese.
About Me: Although currently employed as a lawyer, I used to manage bands. During those crazy days—well, maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I feel a real connection here—I smuggled drugs. A guy I knew—not my boss, just a friend, a guy I did this kind of work for—bought tickets for me to fly to different cities and I’d hide the drugs in my luggage. I’d stay in a hotel, do tourist stuff, and then meet a guy, give him my suitcase, and bring the money to back to New York.

It fell apart when the main guy got busted. I knew he had a lot of cash in a locker in Penn Station. People had been arrested and I wasn’t sure if anyone had told the cops about the locker yet, but I had the key so I took the money. It’s not like my friend needed it—he was definitely going to prison for a long time. Did I use it for my tuition? No, no; I went to law school a couple years after that.

* * *

Occupation: Lawyer
Hometown: Austin, then Madison
About Me: I don’t like CitiBike; I think it’s bad for people’s health. They don’t wear helmets. No, other bikers wear helmets; the CitiBikers don’t. And it adds to obesity problems. These people bike ten minutes to work and they think they’ve exercised for the day. They don’t work out after that. They order the bacon double cheeseburger because they think they’ve earned it.

Yes, I guess I do have strong feelings about this. Other things I have strong feelings about? Okay, since you asked, I think New Yorkers are unreasonable about rent. I’ve lived here for three years so I’m objective. Rent stabilization laws hurt this city. They penalize the landlords because they can’t charge market value, but, just as much, they penalize the tenants: low rent is a crutch that prevents them from going out and earning a higher salary. They don’t have to worry about money, so they never reach their full potential.

* * *

Occupation: Sommelier
Height: 6’2
About Me: I will not mention I am paraplegic anywhere on my profile, nor in emails or texts, nor include photos other than head shots. Instead, you will find me in a wheelchair at the Thai restaurant where we meet for dinner. We’ll have an awkward conversation in which we discover we have very little in common other than both liking Rhone wines. We will share a cab downtown since it is raining and you are going home and I am meeting friends. I’ll try to make out with you in the back seat and when you say you don’t want to, ask if it’s because I’m “a cripple.” When you get home, you will cry and wonder if you’re single because you’re a bad person.

* * *

Occupation: Sommelier
Height: 6’4
Interests: David Foster Wallace, Experimental Music, Tennis
About Me: I’m a huge David Foster Wallace fan; I reread each of his books every year. Infinite Jest is why I learned tennis. No, that copy isn’t there because I was reading in bed and fell asleep: I sleep with it. Like a security blanket I guess. I just find it comforting.

* * *

Occupation: It’s hard to explain
Place of Work: The United Nations
About Me: We will go on two dates. When you cancel the third a few days in advance because you realize we aren’t really that compatible, I will tell you “you don’t deserve my big dick anyway” and hang up. Then I will bombard you with emails apologizing, asking if we can be friends, and if I can take you out to dinner to make up for my rudeness. When you finally email me back to say you accept my apology, but don’t want me to contact you again, I’ll reply “I understand” and then Facebook friend-request you.

* * *

Name: Kate Angus
State of mind: An endless pendulum between naive optimism and gloom; sometimes I'm a puppy, sometimes a rainstorm
Interests: Googling cults & rare diseases, Obscure folklore, WRITING IN ALL CAPS, Frozen dark chocolate peanut butter cups, Modern Poetry
About Me: I am frequently impatient and self-pitying. My feelings are easily hurt. If we date long enough to travel together, I will clutch your arm in a death-grip at the slightest hint of turbulence and I will not let go. I cry easily, especially during movies, even happy movies, like when Aslan appears in Prince Caspian and when Gandalf appears in any of The Lord of the Rings movies. My version of a balanced dinner is kale and a martini. Sometimes weeks will slide by before I clean my shower. I recount my CrossFit workouts in detail. I consistently mispronounce the word “pestle.” No matter how much I love you, sometimes I’ll wish you were Fox Mulder or Han Solo. I’m 5’9, but I wear riding boots and kitten heels so if you are 5’10 or especially Internet 5’10, you’ll feel short unless we are sitting or lying down. You will always have to sleep on the side closest to the door.

Previously: "Fresh Hells"

Kate Angus has also dated some wonderful men; they just don’t make as good copy. She is also an editor at Augury Books and more of her writing can be found in Indiana Review, Subtropics, Best New Poets 2010, and on The Awl, The Toast, The Rumpus and Verse Daily.

20 Comments / Post A Comment

alicke

wonderful. I related especially to the sommelier/foster wallace fan; I too had a date recount how much he loved infinite jest, but later admitted he read it mostly because it made him look good. I appreciated the honesty until, after I brought up Margaret Atwood since I was currently reading Oryx & Crake for the first time and we were discussing books, he asked "doesn't she have like, a feminist agenda?" followed quickly by "you know, I don't like feminism. But post-feminism's fine".

PieLady

@alicke Yes, I love this. What is with men who online date and David Foster Wallace? I don't believe anyone when they say they've read infinite jest. I tried to read it on the subway one time but I was 25 and trying to impress someone whose profile would be: "I am threateningly handsome with no self-esteem. I will hate you for getting a good job. I love to yell about Republican policies (I believe them wholeheartedly) but I will still think you are smart, yet foolish. We will date for 2 and a half years, but I will never let you call me your boyfriend. When we finally break up I will cry and call you my companion." He would read DFW.

shalalas

@alicke 'companion' *cringe*

ru_ri

@shalalas Yeah, fuck that guy, in the ear. "Companion" is a step down from "pet."
Ugh, man-babies.

Diana1979

This is...just amazing.

commanderbanana

Oh god, aaahahaha. I kind of want to write my own now:
Name: Cmdr Banana (ret.)
State of mind: Constantly worrying that I've contracted an antibiotic-resistant strain of throat gonorrhea
Place of Work: Aaaaaahahahahahaha *ahem* heh.
About me: I say I have an athletic build but it's just because I don't know how to explain that I have no muscle tone at all but I'm naturally thin. Thin and squishy simultaneously. I will often forget that you answered questions I already asked and will ask them again. I make a bigger deal out of having grown up abroad than I should. If you make any sort of mention of rape, in any way, I will throw money on the table and walk out. If you chase after me to apologize, I will make you feel worse than you have ever felt in your life. I have a number of strange phobias and have been institutionalized, and I'm starting to think I'm not that into guys who aren't my ex-boyfriend, or guys at all. Be prepared to pay for my drink or I will cheerfully tell you by text afterwards that I don't think we're compatible, even if you had a great time.

Cobus Kriel@facebook

We have a cottage in a biosphere where baboons are seen as superior to dogs and humans. If a dog takes your weekend braai meat he can be put down, but if a baboon walks in while you are having lunch and you do not ask him to join in, you may be ostrasized by the human community. Helena has been confronted in the house by an Alpha male several occasions. The first time it happened she came out of the shower stark naked, and found a herd of baboons facing her. She grabbed a heavy wooden oar, which was used an ornament, and attacked the leading baboons. They quickly rushed out wthout causing much damage, as she collapsed in a heap in shock. Since then she has learnt to speak to the alpha males in such a way that they obey her orders. In each of the last 3 intrusions she walked up to the alpha male, wagged her finger at him and told him to leave, and he obeyed. I do not know how this is connected to the your basic story, but feel that there is significant common ground somewhere.

mochi

@Cobus Kriel@facebook SO MUCH COMMON GROUND.

PomoFrannyGlass

Truth: I love Infinite Jest, but its function as trigger or red flag in the realm of online dating has almost completely ruined it for me.

The last guy I dated faded after 3 excellent dates; his favorite book is The Pale King.

twolle

@PomoFrannyGlass How can anyone's favorite book be The Pale King? It's not even a finished book. It's barely even an edited book. aggh

leonstj

Occupation: Vague stuff at some boring company. At first it sounds like I'm being vague because my job is really shitty, but then I try to explain and it becomes clear that the vagueness was because I know it's really boring to talk about.
Height: 6'0", barely. But still six foot! Does that still count for anything?
About Me: Are you really well read? You will not think I am at all. Do you not like to read? I'm really well read. I fit in that sweet spot in just about everything, I'm kind of a dilettante.

I come off as shy and awkward on the first date, funny and witty on the second, and by the 10th I'm probably starting to seem a little too abstract and weird, and definitely self-depricating a little too much (a lot too much).

How long we'll date will be decided by balancing by your tolerance for drunken utterances of "You know what song I love? I love this song" against your love of hand-made pasta.

ru_ri

@leonstj I am known for shouting (when drunk), "This is the BEST song!" about every song. But it's true! They are all the best.

And I don't think even Swedish death metal could eclipse hand-made pasta, you need to come up with a much stronger dealbreaker.

Thrakat

@leonstj
Are you me?

MoxyCrimeFighter

Occupation: aspiring professional TV watcher; not critic, just a watcher.

Body type: curvy in a way that is true in both the literal and euphemistic sense.

About me: I am intensely curious and have many plans but have little follow-through. My kitchen cupboards are full of arrowroot, flax meal, and chia seeds, but I will get McDonald's drive-through whenever I feel like it because it doesn't count if I eat it in the car. I genuinely like whiskey, although I only started to drink it because I thought it would impress guys and hard femmes. I am 100% convinced that Choupette and I were supernaturally switched at birth. The ending of "Homeward Bound" never fails to make me ugly-cry, even if I'm only thinking about it.

Gef the Talking Mongoose

My version of a balanced dinner is kale and a martini.

OH HELL YES. That is all.

Gef the Talking Mongoose

@Cụ Thịnh@facebook : And thus is a spambot hoisted on its own petard, etc, etc.

George Templeton Strong

Were these lifted from Christian Mingle?

omgkitties

CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE RICK.

kasa

@omgkitties ALL THE TIME

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