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Thursday, January 23, 2014

22

America Will Wear White Pants

Team USA's Opening Ceremony uniforms, designed once again by Ralph Lauren, were unveiled on Today this morning, and they're... well, OK, they're like if your grandma's sweater chest inhaled an American flag and cross country ski boots from the '80s and washed it all down with a plastic handle of vodka and then threw up into the mold of U.S. hockey player Julie Chu. (And the sweater is just $598.) I propose the following palate cleanser: go watch Jason Brown's routine from the U.S. Figure Skating Championships a couple of weeks ago. Do it, like, five times in a row. It won't get old. [Today]

22 Comments / Post A Comment

eiffeldesigns

These are a level of hideous that if I were an Olympian this year, I'd contemplate my attendance at the festivities requiring me to wear this monstrosity.

And while the design is hideous, the real problem is that someone looked at this and said, "YES! Let's do this!" Or maybe that person is secretly awesome and wants to display how tacky and gross Americans can be sometimes. USA! USA!

George Templeton Strong

@eiffeldesigns But do they come in dog sizes? My new hound will wear clothes and hates the cold and I've been looking for a sweater with maximum visibility that will also remind one and all that we are in America and what our flag looks like. Kind of.

large__marge

I am like 99% sure this exact sweater has surfaced before in the Misses section of a 1994 JCPenney catalog.

In other Olympic news, Norway unveiled its new curling uniforms: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/22/sports/olympics/norwegian-curlers-are-back-and-so-are-their-pants.html?_r=0

lemonadefish

@large__marge those are so amazing. I think they are suited to most aspects of life for most people.

ru_ri

@large__marge Holy shit.

OhMarie

@large__marge If you (like me) want to enjoy that stuff for all 4 years, there's a facebook page for The Norwegian Olympic Curling Team's Pants you can follow!

redridinghoodrat

@large__marge Aaah, the interview makes them pretty charming. You know, for blousy harlequin pants.

City_Dater

Years of training, struggle, and hard work -- rewarded with the costume of a hallway extra on SAVED BY THE BELL.
It's just undignified.

large__marge

I also fully endorse the Jason Brown tag. So excited for him!

Megasus

Every single one of these outfits I've seen does not look nearly warm enough for fucking RUSSIA.

George Templeton Strong

@Megasus The irony is that Sochi is one of the warmest parts of Russia and is kind of like their Florida or Riviera. There is a small fear that it won't be cold enough for some of the events. Everything about this Olympics is like something out of a bad Gary Shteyngart short story.

bureaucrab

They are just forcing us to finally acknowledge that Olympics opening ceremonies were the first ugly sweater parties.

Lily Rowan

I don't know why they always need new designs! After careful review of these outfits through the years, I think they should go back (at least for summer) to the Sydney uniforms, which look to be a throwback to many earlier Games. Blazer, pants, hat. Nice! For winter, I vote for the Sarajevo shearling jackets. In case anyone asked me.

de Pizan

Just going to put Germany's here without comment http://img.welt.de/img/olympia/crop120553123/4150713275-ci3x2l-w580-aoriginal-h386-l0/Mode-fuer-Olympia-2014.jpg

Brunhilde

@de Pizan I feel like these are from a Delia's catalogue circa 1997.

adorable-eggplant

@de Pizan I am DYING. Those are so wondrously beautiful.

Brunhilde

Oh man, I just watched that Jason Brown video twice and I am weeping at his reaction at the end.

Gulfie

... I love it tho.

OhMarie

It's a time honored tradition for Olympic uniforms to see whose can suck the worst. I am on board.

Sinead O'Rebellion

The terribleness of the mom-style ugly Christmas sweater works wonders to distract from the fact that they are also wearing tight white sweatpants a la a Jazzercise instructor from 1983...

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