Monday, December 16, 2013


Writer Unable to Use Important Words Correctly

Giving the Ross Douthat "Daughter Theory" column a run for its idiocy money is this other Times piece, written from deep inside a juice-cleansed Butt of Privilege. Here is exhibit #1:

Instagram — the highest achievement yet in social-media voyeurism — presents a new form of torture.

A new form of torture! Kids grow up so fast these days. Here are some other, older forms of torture that have the potent lexical advantage of being real: solitary confinement, incommunicado detention, the denial of medical treatment, the denial of safe abortion and post-abortion care, the denial of adequate nutrition, excessive use of force by law enforcement. Okay, here's exhibit #2:

Instagram envy may turn out to be an epidemic with no cure.

Here we also have the opportunity to mourn the human toll left by Instagram, truly an "epidemic with no cure." Diabetes, ebola, polio, cancer and HIV have all been outpaced by the vast swath of destruction left by a picture-based iPhone app. A memorial service for approximately 26 people at the apex of neurosis and urban wealth will be held tomorrow in a hollow echo chamber at the [NYTimes].

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Writer Unable to Grasp the Concepts of Metaphor and Hyperbole


@fakefighter Commenter Unfamiliar With Blogger's Work, Which Is Frequently Overblown in Both Arenas


Luv you Jia. You are so good.


Thank you, Jia! These think pieces that boil down to, "If it weren't for pinterest/instagram/the internet itself, I'd be a saint who never felt envy" make me roll my eyes so hard that I'm developing acute eye-strain (another epidemic in the making! Damn you social mediaaaa).

p.s. I clicked over to make sure that it really is deserving of mockery, and yes, mock on, y'all.


@adorable-eggplant urghhhhh it's so bad. definition of an opt-in problem. "this voluntary, incredibly optional behavior i engage in daily is making me sorta UPSET!"


@j-i-a Dude, totally! I don't have an instagram account (because I don't have a smart phone, and I think you need one to run the instagram app) and I have not regretted it once. I have missed a few cute cat pictures, but I will survive.

I mean was a pack a day smoker for a long time, so I get not making healthy choices. But srsly, you're not making healthy choices if you are using a service that hinders your ability to feel good about yourself and your life.

Alternately, practice some dang sympathetic joy, people, and be happy for folks in cannes with fancy shoes or whatever. There isn't a limited supply of happiness in the world: they aren't taking yours.

/Curmudgeon out.


@adorable-eggplant At the risk of maximum smarm, I kind of LOVE seeing people in my instagram feed doing awesome things, eating delicious food, seeing kick-ass shows, and holding adorable babies? (that was me using upspeak in my masculine baritone, because fuck the idea that conversational inflection changes are only affecting women).

Like, sure, there are gonna be some people on my instagram feed are having a better day than I am at any given time. Why the fuck should that make me feel bad? I mean, I'm not some magical yogi who never experiences desires or anything, but like...

When did "Oh that thing that other person is experiencing seems awesome!" become "FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER FOR HAVING A BETTER 2:38 PM THAN ME"?

I feel like it's not, and that plenty of adults in 2013 are just as capable of dealing with a healthy emotional blend of desire & happiness for others just as well as when we all lived in dumb fucking caves our our Best-Homo-Hablis-Friend-Ever went spelunking with the cuter of the two cave-people hitting on us at the Wooly Mammoth Roast.


@leonstj i totally agree with y'all. i like when my friends are doing cool things. if they are really my friends, then odds are good that i can partake in these cool things when our party cycles line up so my delight can be admittedly selfish and also p chill as well


@leonstj Word. I'm sure the Wooly Mammoth Roast was a minefield of seething envy and backstabbing: "Did Bob really just take all the sweetmeats? That greedy bastard." "Oh my god, look at those exquisitely braided grass sandals that Lauren is wearing. That must've been really expensive (in terms of time and labor invested). #jelly #lol #noreallyIwanthershoes"


Oh gods I should not have read that Douchehat piece, I think my blood pressure just went through the roof. The person his daughters need protecting from is him, with his antiquated, hidebound, sex-shaming mindshackles. FUCK THAT GUY.

But what I really wanted to say was, thank you for the pre-lunch chortle at "juice-cleansed Butt of Privilege." Truly a thing of beauty.


Josh Baner looks like he just inhaled a rather sulphuric fart. I'm making the same face reading his piece linked here.


Petition to turn "urban creative professional" into a slur.


Man it's like the Holodomor over at the Times these days, except with good ideas and thoughtful articles in the place of kulaks' grain. I mean it's almost like the writers at the Times are the Khmer Rouge and their own awareness of world is people who wear glasses and speak French, is basically what I'm saying. Just piles of skulls everywhere.

Also that thing where they tried to change how block works on Twitter, that's pretty much exactly like the Holocaust.


@stuffisthings NAZIS. No matter what you're doing, no matter where, somehow. Nazis. All the Nazis, all the time.


@commanderbanana you know who else had his name in the newspaper a lot...


Kind of the worst part of this is the fact that there are serious ("serious")academics who actually study FOMO quoted in the article. Like...someone out there got a research grant for that.


@NellyBly And you know that PI totally tweeted, "Thx for the big bucks, NSA!" thus causing a ripple of FOMO to spread through the competitor labs.


Calm down dude, the kids have already moved on to Snapchat. *rolls eyes forever.


Oh nooooooo, I started reading that Daughter Theory article and I just can't. No. Why are you a person.


"it’s not unusual to scroll through one’s Instagram feed and feel suffocated by fabulousness." Nothing quite like the casual likening of photo sharing to the fatal deficiency of oxygen necessary to sustain life. Not unusual at all. #YOLO #Instagony #firstworldproblems #LOLtorture

tea for all

Jia Tolentino, never change.

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