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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

9

A Day in the Life of The Dopeass Tea Wizard

In the land of plenty: that is where The Dopeass Tea Wizard lives. Among bushels of green leaves, he homesteads in a hut that is best described as Burning Man chic. He loves his fucking kettle. It's electric—he does not fuck with the old-fashioned kind anymore, not since he installed electricity with the help of Lorna, the mythical forest sprite he visits with occasionally. Electric kettles with superior settings for varying hotness of water let the tea wizard make his magic.

Just let The Dopeass Tea Wizard make his magic. Do not disturb.

The Dopeass Tea Wizard lives a mostly simple life. Wake up, flip kettle switch, summon golden, ruby-encrusted goblet with sheer force of mind, and brew some motherfucking tea. His tea of choice is Mint Magic® but that's because he masterminded the recipe, and his first girlfriend said it was "splendid." She broke his heart, but that's another story. The tea is some real sleepy tea—two different kinds of mint, bro. You'll be on the clouds before the early shadows of twilight peek over Szorst Mountain. But The Dopeass Tea Wizard drinks it in the morning, to wake himself up. Didn't we tell you that The Dopeass Tea Wizard is the boss?  

The Dopeass Tea Wizard drinks his tea from the ruby-encrusted goblet and cooks a quail egg over boar meat. Around 6 or 7 a.m. (he has been up for several hours, he is no layabout), he does hot yoga to the sound of the ferns rustling and to the chirps of a wood warbler and a blackcap. He takes note to murder both birds soon. The Dopeass Tea Wizard needs to eat. For strength. 

The highlight of The Dopeass Tea Wizard's day is when he conjures up his fucking tea. After another small meal of hedgehog quills and raw wood chippings, he retreats to the darkened corner of his hut, where the tea basket sits. He considers this basket his companion. He's even named it—Stuff Basket. (The Dopeass Tea Wizard is not known for his creativity.) He takes Stuff Basket out of the hut and they gaze out over Szorst Mountain together, looking longingly beyond the Ravanyhon Valley. This is his favorite time of day, when he can reflect on tea with his closest friend.

"Isn't it lovely?" he whispers to Stuff Basket. Stuff Basket does not respond.

The Dopeass Tea Wizard then uses his mind to create tea. Don't ask him how he does it. One second it is not there—the Ravanyhon Valley appears stark and dry—and the next everything is lush with evergreen leaves of peppermint and spearmint and other somesuch mints. He smiles, his precious Stuff Basket now full, and brings it back inside, until tomorrow when he will deliver it to Postmaster Eowyn, who will ship it to Celestial Seasonings in Boulder. His job for the day is done. An early bedtime, around 3 p.m., keeps his mind able and his heart strong.

"Goodnight, Stuff Basket," he hums, and The Dopeass Tea Wizard lays his snow-white head down to rest on a pile of apple skins and wool, stuffed between two sheets of burlap.

 

Previously: Mashups, Before DJs

"Art" by Jia.

Dayna Evans is a writer and a musician. You can find her writing here, her music here, and her tweets at @hidayna.

9 Comments / Post A Comment

faintly_macabre

Dopeass Tea Wizard school- where is it? How do I sign up? The GREs did not include a section on tea, is this a problem?

stonefruit

TEA BAGS NET WT

it's become a sort of incantation for me.

Onymous

This might be the Deadwood talking, but am I the only one that feels, at the very least, racism adjacent when buying 'celestial seasonings'?

LooseBaggyMonster

Just seeing the title and image of this made me collapse into giggles.

Rich Amor

Hi, this post is really made my day.

bureaucrab

Haha, I came across this in the middle of drinking Mint Magic. Dopeass! (Truthfully, I'm more of a Grandma's Tummy Mint fan but you have to order it online anymore.)

Stiricide

So, I live in Boulder, CO, home of Celestial Seasonings. And the Dopeass Tea Wizard is actually real. Like, a real person, real job. His name is Charlie. He's been with them for 40 years, and the company legend is that he's never taken a day off. He's a pretty nice dude. I don't think he eats hedgehog quills, though. Probably prairie dog toenails. Damn dogs are all over HQ's lawn.

j-i-a

@Stiricide hello is this for real tell me everything TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT CHARLIE how can i talk to him

Julia duMais

It has been two days and I still keep coming back to this and cackling/revising my life plan, WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME HAIRPIN

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