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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

15

A 41-Step Guide to Giving Yourself a Heart Attack

1. Arrive at your parents' house in the Berkshires from Brooklyn. Your parents are not home. Your parents are at the ballet.

2. So, better make sure it’s nighttime.

3. And make sure it’s rainy.

4. Be alone (because you have no boyfriend, as you are “too picky, especially for someone your age.” –Mom)

5. Be a generally skittish person to begin with.

6. Enter the house.

7. Go back outside to get your stuff.

8. Notice that the garage door is open and you're pretty sure it wasn't before.

9. Stop and think about this for a second.

10. Go back inside.

11. Become convinced you are entering an episode of Dateline or Law & Order: SVU.

12. Realize you don’t mind that actually, then remember that neither Olivia Benson nor Elliot Stabler will come find you because you are out of their jurisdiction.

13. And because they are fictional.

14. Wonder if you’re having a psychotic break.

15. Google “psychotic break + symptoms + 36-year-old woman.” 

16. Drink some wine.

17. Tiptoe through the house, peeking around corners.

18. Wonder if your mom was right and you should have gone out with the son of the woman with the cabana next to hers, even though he wasn’t your type and had a phone voice that gave you hives.

19. Google your mom’s cabana neighbor’s son.

20. Find his wedding pictures.

21. Google “women + fish + bicycles.”

22. Find pornographic photo you will never forget.

23. Drink more wine.

24. Remember that you were going to start counting Weight Watchers points again today.

25. Write down “wine: 10.”

26. Understand that it will likely be more like “wine: 30” by the time this is all over.

27. Begin to concoct a story for the woman who weighs you, even though she never seems to care for your stories about why you gained weight instead of losing it.

28. Hear something.

29. Tell yourself that the garage door may have been open when you drove up and you just didn’t notice.

30. Don’t believe yourself.

31. Try to be more convincing.

32. Google “what it means when you are arguing with yourself but remain unswayable + psychotic break + symptoms + 36-year-old woman.”

33. Google “can bears open garage doors?”

34. Think of the guy from OkCupid you dated who made fun of you for putting question marks on your Google searches.

35. Google that guy.

36. Check your email.

37. Find a note from your dad saying he left the garage door opener under the mat (because you always say you have your key but never do, even though you are an adult woman who is often responsible in many other ways).

38. Realize you must have stepped on the garage door opener on the way in.

39. Wonder how anyone lives in the country without going insane.

40. Finish bottle of wine.

41. Create new OkCupid profile.

 

Previously: The Day My Shrink Told Me to Change My Personality

Photo via mwagner/flickr.

Carla Sosenko's writing has appeared in Jezebel, Marie Claire, Self magazine, Heeb magazine, Laughspin, and various other publications. Her first play, Headcase, was produced in the 2001 New York International Fringe Festival, and her short story “Clutter” was a semifinalist in the Nimrod Awards. Carla is currently working on her memoir, Such a Pretty Face. Follow her on Twitter @carlasosenko and check out her website, carlasosenko.com.



15 Comments / Post A Comment

trixila

Hilarious!! Perfectly captured what I have felt like more often than I care to admit.

milenakent

This is awesome and really pretty.@n

George Templeton Strong

The cabana reference was the best. Along with "Summer Fridays" (knocking off work at lunchtime because maybe you have a cabana, or a summer share) cabanas seem to be echt New York.

coolallison

This looks all too familiar:
23. Drink more wine.
24. Remember that you were going to start counting Weight Watchers points again today.
25. Write down “wine: 10.”
26. Understand that it will likely be more like “wine: 30” by the time this is all over.

Eyre Apparent

4. Be alone (because you have no boyfriend, as you are “too picky, especially for someone your age.” –Mom)

Yeah. This applies to many situations. Is it my fault that most eligible men my age are plagued with Peter Pan Syndrome?

Megasus

This is pretty much exactly the game Gone Home.

Summer Somewhere

steps 33-35 are my favorite. google knows too many of my secrets. :( (see also: http://buttersafe.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/HourlyComics2.jpg)

rosaline

@Summer Somewhere I frequently phrase my Google searches as questions. It seems to be getting worse as I get older. Or maybe I'm just lazier and don't have time to parse out keywords!

Summer Somewhere

@rosaline I feel like thriving in the wilds of the late-90s internet gives me the right to have a conversation with google like we're old friends.

Scourgie

39. Wonder how anyone lives in the country without going insane.

Yes! Rural life is terrifying. There is no one around and YOU CAN SEE FOREVER.

rosaline

"20. Find his wedding pictures."

Perfect.

WendyYans99

Since I started with my online business I earn $62 every 15 minutes. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don't check it out. www.Best96.com

Tran Tran

The cabana reference was the best. Along with "Summer Fridays" (knocking off work at bar hà nội lunchtime because maybe you have a cabana, or a summer share) cabanas seem to be echt New York.

Andrewkrugar

WoW! True! I can visualize now...but hey guys...get up.Its time for FUN! Because Christmas is about to come!! see this Christmas flowers

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