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Monday, November 25, 2013

27

Reading Between The Texts: Sexting, Sort Of. (?)

The Texts

B: Dinner this week?
Him: I didnt think i would hear from you again.. haha, Im availble early next week
B: You need to have more self-confidence boy!
Him: haha

The Analysis

K: Haha. You called him ‘boy.’
B: Guys love that. I think.
K: The few times I’ve been called ‘lady’ I liked it so much it was almost a problem, so I can see that. Although maybe the reverse is ‘sir’ and in this case it’s more like you are like his stern but ultimately kindhearted grandmother. Or maybe it is really cool and he was like “whoa.” Anywayyy, what happened after?
B: Nothing. I never heard from him again.
K: He is a really bad speller though, like really bad. And people who don’t use apostrophes are directionless and flaky, with little sense of purpose in life. Haha. I just thought of something terrible.
B: Don’t.
K: If you don’t have apostrophe you don’t have a purpose. Hahaha.
B: Katie.
K: I’m sorry. What do you want me to do, nothing is happening on my own phone.
B: The thing is, he’s probably going to end up sending me a dick pic. Mark my words.
K: What??
B: It’s always the ones who text “haha” and “lol” at the end of everything who are perpetually on the verge of texting you their penis.
K: Has this happened to you enough to draw conclusions like that?
B: Yeah. I have a little folder of them on my desktop.
K: What!!
B: I labeled it “2009 taxes” so nobody clicks on it.

•••
The Texts

Him: C? married engaged? I might come over again … wanna do my Masters. 
Him: where are you in two years?
C: Hi! I am not married or engaged. It would be great if you were here! In two years? Ummm, I'm not sure.
Him: Cu soon, need a job in Chicago then
C: I mean, choose the program/job best for you, but I would not be upset if it ended up close by!
Him: Are you in love?
Him: I have a girlfriend now

The Analysis

K: I actually feel like this is the most atrocious conversation I’ve ever heard in my whole life and I don’t really see how anything could ever be worse.
C: It never stopped!!!! It just ……. never …….….. stopped.
K: I think he should have to go to jail. He’s a criminal and he should have to go to prison, literally.
C: Yeah. You can’t just ask people if they’re in love. It’s illegal.
K: I know that. He asked you like 18 versions of that question, hoping you’ll say no because he wants you to be into him forever, and then tells you there’s someone else anyway. It is how Voldemort would have texted.
C: And ‘where am I in two years?’ I’m … KICKING YOUR ASS, IDIOT!! Haha.
K: That was very threatening.
C: What I need is to have a crush on ANYONE else so I don’t get excited about a text from someone I fake-dated a year ago who now lives in the fuckin’ Swiss Alps or something.
K: Yeah. I would tell you where to look for one but there’s just nobody. I thought I saw a cute boy the other day but it was, like, a mirage.
C: I know. I don’t even know what a hot guy looks like anymore.

•••
The Text 

Him: lakers won.got a day off.feet on the table,espn on.man,wat i’d give to hv R moanin on my lap right nw!!

The Analysis

K: I don’t get it I don’t think.
R: Like …
K: Like geographically. How would he even see the TV. Does he mean … wait. Uhhh … ew never mind, I don’t think that’s a thing.
R: He’d just have to look around me I guess?
K: It just seems like a lot of unnecessary background information. I’d never be like, “oh, it’s a good Ghost Hunters on, my nails look so great, come over and let’s do sex stuff.” It’s not a logical progression of thoughts.
R: Well, I also never respond when he does this, and we never even hooked up when we lived in the same place. So there is a lot to be confused about.
K: How do you even get to that point? Like, “she needs to hear this.” I mean, you shouldn’t ALWAYS believe in yourself.
R: I know. But I’ll get another one just like this in a month. It’s like how I keep time practically.
K: Do you think he needs a journal or something?

•••
The Texts

J: Hey [him]! Just finished up with Dr. ____. Can I help you with anything?
(30 minutes later)
J: OK he just told me to go home, so I am. See you Monday.
Him: You know, when an upperclassman would tell ME to go home I would always say no and stay.
J: Oh man, you're trying to pull my leg again.
(15 minutes later)
J: On the off chance you're being serious, I can come back.
(15 minutes later)
J: But you're joking...ah!
Him: I am, But you can pull my leg anytime u want

The Analysis

K: What is that even supposed to be a euphemism for? Things aren’t sexy just because you write “you” without the “y” and the “o.” Is this a med school thing? Do you guys have your own double entendres?
J: I really don’t think so.
K: What did you say back?
J: I don’t want to tell you because you’re not going to like it.
K: If it wasn’t “hark, filth, you will RUE the day you texted weird shit to me on a Tuesday evening,” then you’re probably right.
J: Um, it was a little nicer than that. I kind of went along with it until we were both like, “what are we even saying” and became too confused to continue. Want to know one more thing you’ll hate?
K: I mean, always.
J: He calls texting “playing.” He’ll be like, “oh, your class is in 20 minutes? 20 minutes to play.”
K: Sometimes I feel like everyone is trying to make me ill with these. They’re like basically ipecac.
J: You’d just think at some point it would be less horrible.
K: Ugh. Goddddddd. The thing about guys is they just …. shouldn’t.

 

Previously: “What are ur hobbies interests?”

Photo via lungstruck/flickr.

Katie Heaney lives in New York City now. She still writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to. Her first book, Never Have I Ever, is out in January, but you can preorder it now on Amazon or IndieBound, among other places.

27 Comments / Post A Comment

Amelia Bedelia

Reading Between the Texts is hands down my favorite thing to ever exist on the Internet. Happy birthday, Katie Heaney, and thank you for your texting wisdom which is hilarious and on point as always!

OhMarie

@Amelia Bedelia They are so great!

fabel

I am in love with these, so happy they're baaackkkkkk

lolololol but also :'( :'( omg, these texts. Wow.

Jinxie

OMG these guys. Just set them all on fire, seriously. They're beyond all hope.

28739823@twitter

B is absolutely correct about dick pics coming from dudes that end everything with haha or lol. Dead. On.

pterodactgirl

I just logged in to say how excited I am to be reunited with Reading Between the Texts at long last. Thank you, Katie Heaney.

Regina Phalange

This is unrelated to anything, with the exception of the terribleness of boys, but this weekend I sort-of broke up with someone (long story), and in the middle of the conversation, he stopped, grabbed his phone, and pulled up a video of kittens to try to cheer me up. I was like, "You are the actual human worst right now. HOW DARE YOU TAINT INTERNET KITTENS FOR ME."

Oh, squiggles

"The thing about guys is they just …. shouldn’t."

this is a correct and perfect statement.

ru_ri

Hooray!!!! RBtT never fails to crack me up.

Yesterday I got a text from a guy I pseudo-dated informing me he was back with his ex-wife. Which is very nice for him and all that, but if I ever text him again it will start with "Hark, filth!"

In fact maybe every text I ever send anyone from now on will start like that. It kind of seems to clear the way for everything.

sarahspy

hey but i hardly ever use apostrophes in texts! it's more important to me to keep a text short enough to be 1 single text instead of broken up into multiples, so that's always the 1st thing i delete (er, never add in the first place). but ehhh yeaaa it's worse when boys do it.

rayray

"He should have to go to jail" made me squawk with laughter. Very happy this is back!

bureaucrab

Raising my hand on loving this feature SO. MUCH.

Perhaps someone has done this and I have missed it, but I would LOVE to see a skit that transports the type of crap that happens via texting in pre-texting eras. As in, it's 1973, and a guy actually calls, barely speaks in sentences, and ends every statement with "haha" or "lol." Or better yet, it's 1873 and some dude takes and develops a selfie and sends it in the post.

leonstj

@bureaucrab - So, I'm 31 & that means I didn't have a cellphone until college, and even then, texting / always being online wasn't a constant thing until I was 25 or so. Which means during the first decade of boy/girl to man/woman relations, conversations on the phone needed to happen. Lots and lots of phone conversations.

I hate to admit it & feed the stereotype, but if you added up everything I ever said on all of those calls, eliminated the "yeah?", "oh?", and "oh man, he/she/they did/said WHAT?", it probably wouldn't total up to a half a novella.

I mean, I listened. I honestly enjoyed being on the phone with them, and was happy to have wonderful girls and then women talking on the phone to me when I was (am) a dumb little boy / grown man. We just, like, don't have a lot to say via telephones.

haha

Slanted & Enchanted

@bureaucrab Haha I love this. Like trying to take a dick daguerreotype?

bureaucrab

@leonstj i'm older than you – enough so that I didn't have a cell phone until AFTER college. So the whole "awkward phone convo" bit was...just life. And I HATE texting in the context of "dating" (with or without quotes). Funny thing is, I'm still baffled by people who text whole conversations, yet am as aghast as anyone at the idea of actually calling anyone other than my grandma.

@Slanted & Enchanted Exactly. :D

Megasus

@bureaucrab DIRTY TELEGRAMS

rosaline

"It is how Voldemort would have texted." So very spot on.

Plin

@rosaline That line is my favorite thing I've ever read in my entire life.

supernintendochalmers

I'm so happy these are back, they are the best. You're doing a great service here. Congrats on the book!

Urwelt

What is it about this medium that makes people make such... strange decisions? I was texting a guy I've been seeing (and sleeping with!) last night, and after I mentioned playing with my cats, he alluded to the fact that he could make a dirty pun about it, and then apologized twice for sending me "suggestive" texts in case I wasn't into that. Twice! Someone I've slept with!

Megasus

I've totally had sex and watched TV at the same time. Uh, more than once. It wasn't particularly good sex, obviously.

isabelle bleu

OMFG. I feel like I've just pulled out my phone and re-read every conversation I'd ever had with my ex-dude. WHAT kind of magic spell did you cast to obtain the ability to write text dialogue that is so spot-on, pitch perfect?

kimtoan

He should have to go to jail made me squawk with laughter. Very happy this is back!

sidney01

I'm still baffled by people who text whole conversations, yet am as aghast as anyone at the idea of actually calling anyone other than my grandmabuffet infantil niterói

apolsasam

Wow! I didn't actually find text as something like this. This seems to be quite a new perspective for me. It's actually quite cool learning something new. - Aldo Disorbo

Mysearchresults

Mysearchresults is fond of books.Always find ways to organize them in a good way.

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