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Now That I’m Married, I Only Use Crystal

Dear family, friends, and plus ones:

On our one-year wedding anniversary (what what!), Eric and I would like to officially thank you for helping make my special day so special. There were wayyyy too many of you to send individual cards so I thought this group email was perfect! It’s also an opportunity to share how all of your gifts have impacted our married life, and possibly remind some of you that there are still a few items available on our registries at Neiman-Marcus, Bloomingdales, Crate and Barrel, Tiffany’s, and the British Museum. Thanks so much!!!

When Eric and I got married, it changed everything. We had been living together for three blissful years in our one-bedroom ninth-floor walk-up. Everything we needed we got from Target or as hand-me-downs from friends, and we were happy eating cereal for dinner. Then he finally put a ring on it! Our wedding was magical. After dancing the night away in the banquet space behind Villa Maria’s, I turned to him and said, “The only thing that could make this day more perfect is things.” Now that we’re married, I literally can’t imagine a day when I don’t touch silver.

I didn’t believe in it until it happened to me, but there’s just this mystical transformation when you “get hitched.” The second I was somebody’s wife, living a high-quality lifestyle just became really important to me, like when I got engaged and getting thin became really important to me. Every single day I think about using all the professional-level cooking equipment I made you buy me. Our kitchen would not be complete without the $379.95 Le Creuset French Oven in Flame that Eric’s mom gave us (what up mother-in-law!), and the $500 KitchenAid Mixer in Raspberry from Eric’s stepmom (what up stepmother-in-law!) is such a great accent piece on our counter.

I don’t expect my unmarried friends to understand this, but since Eric and I have been husband and wife, one of our favorite pastimes is hosting elaborate dinner parties. (Lol at my mother saying the crystal was “a bit much,” also what up Eric’s mother-in-law!) I’m so happy to say that the $200 set of Waterford Crystal “Lismore” Martini Glasses looks awesome on our shelves, thank you SO much Eric’s cousin! And those Baccarat “Mille Nuit” Wine Glasses come in SO handy. I want all of you who spent $155 for each glass to know that they’re worth every penny. We have only broken three!

It’s crazy to think that I used to squeeze the plastic bag from a box of Franzia to get the last drops into my face. Marriage has actually turned me into somewhat of a sommelier! That’s right: I know what a chardonnay is now. (It’s wine.) Thank goodness for that $289.95 Dual Zone Thermoelectric Wine Cooler from Eric’s brother Tom and his partner Steve, who were so generous even though they can’t get married in their state (which is like so awkward and, ugh, c’mon government!). I literally don’t know what we would do without having 27 bottles of wine at all times, regulated at their optimal temperatures via digital climate control. Equally necessary was my cousin Jessica’s $80 Kate Spade Top Hat Ice Bucket, which is exactly what it sounds like. And can you believe the price? Jessica, you bargain-hunter!

My home is my castle, and as we all know, high thread count is crucial to a castle. Eric and I could not be more pleased with the beautiful $375 Queen-Sized Duvet from the Calvin Klein Sapling Collection that his Aunt gifted. I wish we could afford the whole set! (Hint, hint. Haha JK!) Once you “take the plunge,” your home really becomes your sanctuary. I wish I could think of a way to explain it to my single friends and cousin Sarah, but it’s so hard to remember life before I was a “Mrs.!” But Sarah (what up Sarah!) I know you’ve been hinting, so let me try: You know how, when you go home at night, there’s nobody there and your apartment is just kind of empty of love and you eat in front of the TV off of Ikea plates? Marriage is basically the opposite of that :) But don’t worry Sarah, we are making great use of the French Kitchen Marble Cheese Dome, which seems like such a steal at $59.95!

What is a cheese dome? If you have to ask, you’ll never get married.

It’s the little things that make all of the difference. Like the $498 Argentinian Candy Jar Mandy got us, the perfect ethnic detail for our kitchen. I’m too scared to open Millers with Aunt Maddy’s $250 Tiffany Bottle-Opener, but it looks really impressive on the counter. Furthermore, Julie’s $60 Hand-Braided Apple Baskets have been as essential to my post-engagement life as my bridal hashtag. Even though I spent my pre-engaged weekends drinking all day, now that I’m married, we apple-pick, as is required.

I’ve always been the kind of girl who’s a little ahead of the curve. That’s why I favored a more traditional registry experience: old is the new new! And let’s be honest, experiential registries are tacky, and you can’t just ask for money! (No offense Dana and Brian lol! Your wedding was actually really cute.) I’m so grateful that everyone came out and supported my bridal shower, lingerie shower, and shower shower (still using Kaitlyn’s amazeballs monogrammed soaps!), because I definitely came out for all of your wedding events, and probably totally will for those of you who have yet to “settle.”

And I just have to say, for the record: Why should I feel guilty for wanting to get (and totally getting!) my money’s worth? I’ve spent ten grand going to weddings in the past five years. Enough is enough! It was totally my turn to upgrade my kitchen stuff, and it was your turn to cough up the cash. Or not! I probably wouldn’t have cheaped out on a $25 beer stein if my really close friend had already spent half a paycheck flying out to my weird destination wedding in Ireland. I definitely at least would have tried to go in on something nice with one of our loaded friends, like Mandy. Erin, it’s fine, but you’re dead to me.

So thank you guys so much again for your love and support. Eric and I definitely couldn’t have done it without you!!!!!!!! Oh, and if you didn’t include a receipt with your gift, could you please send that in case we want to exchange it? Thanks!!!!!!

Love love love,

Mrs. Erika Barnes <3

P.S. If anyone is still waiting to make a grand gesture of support, this would be such a cute conversation piece for our bathroom!

Liz Galvao writes stuff and hosts the music podcast I Forgot My Sweater. Her blog advent calendar I’m Down For The Holidays starts December 1st. You can find her on Twitter or in Brooklyn, where she was once delivered someone else’s wedding gifts for three weeks straight.

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