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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

71

I Am So Sorry You Probably Didn't Have An Orgasm That Time We Hooked Up

Oh no! I read this article on the New York Times about how you didn’t have an orgasm when we hooked up. That sucks! I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I know I shot out of your apartment like a superball out of a tailpipe. But I was pretty sure I had pleased the pants right off of you. I mean, your pants were still on. But still. This is worse than that time I crapped my pants at Lollapalooza. I am so embarrassed!

This is all according to the New York Times, of course, and who knows more about sex than them? According to the Times, women are more likely to have an orgasm when they’re in a committed relationship with their sex partner than they are with a stranger pressed up against them after a lot of Sauza shots. So much for all those think pieces on the new hook-up culture in places like the New York Times. (In July.)

For me, the female orgasm is way more important than my orgasm! I have at least 1,000 male orgasms a day. And most of those are just on the Path Train from Journal Square to Word Trade Center. I can’t tell you what men from Brown University are thinking about a woman's orgasm, though, since all Brown men have been spoiled by being able to take everything pass-fail. At Suffolk University, we knew we men needed to be good at the sex, because we were going to be terrible at everything else in our future. Remember when the New York Times said there was no such thing as bisexual men? The New York Times is generally about as right about sex as Sister Francis was in first grade.

But anyway, it is such a bummer that you didn’t have an orgasm. I love when women have orgasms. It really makes me feel like I’ve done something remarkable and important, like clearing a level on Super Mario. What fun is sex if everyone’s not orgasming? It’s like tying in chess. And chess is barely any fun anyway. No one ever has an orgasm at the end of chess. 

And, hey, I guess committed relationships are pretty cool. I mean, I’ve barely ever been in one, but I’ve heard good things. Like in August Strindberg plays. Pretty much everyone I know in a committed relationship is always telling me just how amazing all the sex they’re having is. They are clearly the most-satisfied sexual people in the world. No one in a relationship has ever wanted to have random hook-up sex with anyone who isn’t their committed partner. That is why we have no such thing as Western Literature. Or art of any kind. And there is literally no music on the radio. And porn has never been invented.

Do guys care more about pleasing their partners when they’re in committed relationships? Maybe, because the lady-committed partners would totally tell all their friends how bad you are at sexing. And you’d be like, why are her friends always giving me weird looks at dinner parties? Oh, right, because she has told them all I am the worst sex partner in the world. Awesome. Pass the hummus, Thisbe.

I don’t know if 600 college students is the best control group for a sex study. I mean, maybe the ladies didn’t have orgasms during hook-up sex because they had a huge chemistry midterm the next day and were totally worried about it, or maybe they had a huge paper due on Piers Plowman. You can’t possibly have an orgasm when you have medieval dream visions on your mind. And, also, none of these 600 college students tried to have a hook-up orgasm with me. Maybe I would do a pretty good job. You should find me on OkCupid. And give me a chance. (I am “hornyloser666.”)

But listen, I'm sorry you didn't have an orgasm. I'm really sorry. I swear, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make you come. Even if I’ve just met you. Especially if I’ve just met you. You don’t even know why you shouldn’t like me yet. You having hook-up sex with me pretty much makes you my favorite person in the world. And there’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do to make you happy. I have seriously low self-esteem. I am in a support group with Eeyore from the Winnie the Pooh books and movies and he looks like Anthony Robbins in comparison to me. I cannot awaken the giant within. Inside me is another smaller, sadder me, like one of those Russian nesting dolls, and if you keep looking you get to the very core of me, which is just an old gross used Swiffer pad I swallowed while drunk. Which is why you should totally do me! I'll get it right this time.

How are we supposed to have great sex in America in the 21st Century? Like one of the ladies in the article says, no movie has ever given us enough information about how to ask for the things we want in bed. I watched the love scene from Top Gun when I was young. I mean, I watched it all the time, over and over again, hoping to see more and more of Tom Cruise. What was he doing to make Kelly McGillis so happy? Weird robot moves? For a long time I assumed it was blasting “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin. So I played that song every time I ever got busy with a lady. That was definitely not what was doing it for them.

I really don’t have any idea what sex is all about. I am waiting for a Charlie Brown Special to explain it to me. Is orgasm the end-all and be-all? No. I’ve faked orgasms. I’ve had a few. For me, sex is all about not not having sex for, like, five minutes. When I’m not thinking about my fantasy football team, I think about sex all day long. I worry about not being in a committed relationship, about dying alone. Like, just crawling under the porch and dying like a hound dog with no one to love me. I never worry about death during sex. That, in and of itself, is a huge victory.

I do worry about my fantasy football team during sex.

I haven’t gotten laid in at least five years. I remember it being a pretty good thing, a thing that shouldn’t be ruined by crappy articles in the New York Times that quote weird random people all over the country. If you picked up the phone and drunk-dialed 20 people in America, you would get 20 weird different responses about sex and what it all means and what they like during sex. Some people like having their feet fall asleep, I think, maybe. (That claim will soon be legitimized by some other crappy New York Times article, you just wait.) And when we create orgasm pills, we will put those orgasm pills in all the water supplies and no one will ever be able to complain about not having an orgasm again. They will be having them all the time, so they will probably complain about that. I am so sick of having orgasms, everyone will say. And we will miss having weird awkward sex that goes nowhere. You will pay sex workers to not turn you on and make you feel like sobbing uncontrollably. Humans are disappointment machines. Without it we’d be so unhappy.

But, right, listen: I really am sorry I didn’t get you off when we had that hook-up sex. I promise to do 10 Hail Marys. You should try it. During hook-up sex. Pray for an orgasm! It couldn’t hurt! A new New York Times trend piece in the making! Amen!

And please, for the love of my fantasy football team, ask for the things you want in bed. Whether you have just met the person or have known them your whole damned life. Sex is a really good time to ask people for things. Your partner will almost certainly do whatever you want during sex. Particularly men. I once washed a woman’s windows and took out her trash and wrote a paper on Piers Plowman for one lucky lady during sex. I don’t know if she had an orgasm or not, but she did have a huge paper on Piers Plowman. And clean windows. If you can’t ask for the things you want from people while you’re having sex with them, when are you ever going to be able to manipulate them? Probably never. Everyone’s different, and we should never be afraid to show people just how different we are. I am assured by sci-fi movies that we will all have robot lovers soon enough who will do whatever we want all the time. Until then, ask away. You might just get what you want. Which in my case would be another season of The Wire. Who do you have to fuck to get one of those?

 

Jim Behrle tweets @behrle. Photo via vasta/flickr.



71 Comments / Post A Comment

Bunburying

I don’t know if 600 college students is the best control group for a sex study, either! I kind of think this is a legitimate criticism! Particularly since men and women have different "sexual peaks" with men's around college age and women's around ten years later. That's what they told me in my psych class in college anyway, please correct me if I'm wrong, maybe I'm remembering wrong because I was trying to write a Piers Plowman essay at the same time or something.

Titania

@Bunburying It truly amazes me that that myth is still around. Men and women peak hormonally at around the same age (late teens, early 20s) for optimal baby-making purposes. Both genders lose testosterone at a fairly regular rate after that. The study that is CONSTANTLY referenced, by everyone, is a Kinsey study done in 1948, a vastly different time when it comes to sexual education. The criteria they used was total orgasm frequency including masturbation, which anyone with a body can tell you is not the full measure of sexual satisfaction. Basically--it was easier for older ladies to have more orgasms because they had had more time to figure out how to have them, and had probably learned by then not to rely solely on their partners to give them to them. And NO ONE beats teenage boys for total orgasm frequency, it would be a literal impossibility, but I don't think any man would say that the sex he's having in his late 20s is not as good as the sex he was having at 18. "Peak" is a relative term. So actually, this fits pretty neatly with that data, since this is study about how young women's partners aren't giving them orgasms, which pretty much accounted for the discrepancy in the original research! If they surveyed the same 600 people about their total number of orgasms my guess would be you'd see plenty of Os represented on the ladies' side, which is all cool and great.

TL;DR--18 year old boys have always been great at giving themselves orgasms and not so great at giving their partners orgasms. 18 year old girls used to take several years and probably a long-term relationship to figure out how to give themselves orgasms; now they probably just masturbate the next morning after sex they had for fun if they're still aroused, as part of a full and complete sex life.

fabel

@Titania "Both genders lose testosterone at a fairly regular rate after that"

Wait, for real? I definitely thought women had higher testosterone after age 25-ish---or maybe just a higher ratio as compared to their teen years (because they're losing estrogen)? I have no idea what I'm talking about clearly, but I'm curious.

mollpants

@fabel @Titania Now I'm super curious too - are there any links to be had on this topic? (I know women peak athletically around 30, so I'd always assumed that the sex thing was tied in.)

Bunburying

@Titania Thanks for the reply! I'm sure it's not the wrongest fact that I know. :( Back in my day panda bears were raccoons dammit.

katiemcgillicuddy

Jim, I just want you to know that I am totally down for random sexing involving a.) you doing chores around my house and b.) fantasy football.

call me

Koko Goldstein

https://d2g892zuoe3k49.cloudfront.net/510b1ebd98d45c946c0001ae/335707206_700.gif

Tuna Surprise

This plus your bacon picture make it very hard to believe you haven't gotten laid in 5 years. I could fix that in one evening.

15406895@twitter

@Tuna Surprise yes indeed. Ditto.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@Tuna Surprise really? I am having trouble commenting here, but I will call you all somehow

mollpants

@Jim Behrle@twitter Call everyone here

stuffisthings

If you guys think this is hot, you should see him livetweet Jersey City Council meetings...

RNL
RNL

Ok, I have a related question. Natasha Gadinsky, you of the unique name, why in the ever-loving fuck did you consent to this interview/article? Why do you want your top two google hits to be your linked in profile and your no-orgasm story? WHY? What is happening, youngs, what is happening.

mollpants

@RNL OMG the LinkedIn Google hit is the most brutal. Poor dear.

[sic]

@RNL Ohh, maybe it isn't Natasha who gave the interview, but her highly crafty nemesis?
...That's a revenge idea I'll file away for future use.

Bittersweet

@RNL I have a very uncommon maiden name that I use as a middle name. You better believe I only trot that sucker out for impressive work-related white papers and conference presentations.

iwearaFEZnow

That fifth paragraph, I'm pretty sure it is textbook perfection.

dpetev27

While I'm in agreement with the message of this post, and that it is tongue-in-cheek, please remember the culture women (and men) are saturated in. Of course women should feel comfortable asking their sexual partners, casual or otherwise, for what they want in bed. Of course it is b.s. that the NYT felt they needed to say (with an unfair sampling of only 600 students, I agree), that women are less-likely to have orgasms unless in committed relationships. However, we truly live in a culture where young women do not feel comfortable asking for what they want, and even if they do, masculinity seems to be so tenuous for many less-informed men, that when a woman does ask for something different, or another position, speed, what-have-you, it's met with derision and sometimes anger. If it is acknowledged by the male partner, it often still tends to be ignored because of male socialization. Ultimately, the NYT piece is kind of crap, but I'm not a big fan of this piece either.

apples and oranges

@dpetev27 Word. Especially if they used a sample of college students. Those are younger women who quite possibly have had less time to figure out what they like and less experience asking for what they want. (plus the already acknowledged general butt-headery of many college-aged gents.)

Xanthophyllippa

"This is all according to the New York Times, of course, and who knows more about sex than them?"

And, of course, who knows better about women's orgasms than Jim Berhle? Thanks so much for this long-winded proof that you're A Nice Guy.

slutberry

@Xanthophyllippa This whole stream of drivel reads as "I'm sorry you didn't have an orgasm because now my Nice Guy status might be taken away but LOOK I am REALLY a Nice Guy you should've told me you weren,t having an orgasm and if you'd told me what to do you would've! This is not my fault it's yours because I am a Nice Guy!"

MoonBat

@Xanthophyllippa Or if the point of the entire thing was the last paragraph, about asking for what you want, then A) learn to be concise! and B) don't be a dick about it, sex is not about manipulating people, that's not even funny.

Jim Behrle

@Xanthophyllippa Yeah! Boo! Jim's a jerk!

slutberry

@Jim Behrle I don't know if Jim's a jerk. I do know he wrote a lazy piece.

Jim Behrle

@slutberry true enough

Gef the Talking Mongoose

@Jim Behrle : Also, at Brown, they are not "pass-fail" courses, they are "satisfactory-no-credit" because "passing" and "failing" are constructs of the oppressive capitalist-normative society which pathologically quantifies all human activity into artificial zero-sum games. GET IT RIGHT, YOU LAZY DRIVELLING JERK.

Alternate take : Additionally, it's not "failing to reach orgasm", it's (insert joke here. Does "taking an incomplete" work? UGH I AM SUCH A LAZY DRIVELLER.)

Special bonus alternate take : As a Brown alum, I feel vaguely slandered by the Times.

Jim Behrle

@Gef the Talking Mongoose I will take a "no credit" on that joke

champignondeluxe

I am not going to speak for all women on this/assume this is the case for all non-orgasmers, but I definitely need some emotional/intellectual connection of a committed relationship to get off, and one night/short term flings just don't have that. It's not about being better at asking for what I want--even the perfect physical movements are not going to do it for me if my mind is not in the right place. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy hookups, which I do, and I really enjoy the act of having sex, but don't particularly care getting an orgasm from them. I think the endorphins from the exercise is enough, or something.
And I hate feeling like I owe the guy my orgasm.

lbf
lbf

@champignondeluxe Dude here with the same dynamics. YMMV, y'all.

sardines

What The Fuck Is This Post, alternatively:
As a survivor of rape and sexual assault who is deeply concerned about the HUGE lack of empathy/concern that males have for women in society that contributes directly to male violence against women, the 'do it for the lulz' apathetic tone of this article grosses me out.

Honestly, just knowing a piece like this would get put up makes me so uncomfortable reading here. I don't know if this is clicking with any editors but many women actually face all the shit that this article is half-assedly trying to address, most often in the context of abusers. You know, like, this behavior that's getting mocked? It's how women are pushed down and belittled IRL every day. We don't need some dudebro writer trying to convince women he's ~so edgy and informed~ making us relive all the Nice Guy bullshit we face our whole lives. So, while sometimes I can get irritated by an article, this literally just leaves me feeling queasy.

Whatever point was attempted to be made by this has just failed miserably. Really disappointed. It's really confusing having posts like this when The Hairpin generally attempts to approach women's issues in a, I don't know, CARING way? :/ It has always felt like one of the safer spaces to read, especially for enjoyment, so coming across this as I'm trying to relax just makes me very confused as a reader. I could understand if it ended up on the Awl or something. Or if I was reading Jezebel. Lol. ://///

A piece concerning empathy in males that's relevant. http://www.salon.com/2013/10/24/5_ways_sexual_assault_is_really_about_entitlement/

lbf
lbf

@sardines I am having a hard time connecting the dots here between this piece and rape and sexual assault. I didn't really read it as "trying to address" anything, not even half-assedly, so I don't understand how you have a problem with it. Can you be specific? I'm sincerely interested.

sardines

@lbf I say half-assedly addressed because this article touches on legitimate issues but unfortunately is so shallow that it's useless/harmful. I'm not quite sure if the author is just not informed enough, or perhaps is too entitled to understand the risk of approaching this subject so casually?

Lack of male empathy towards females (in this case, a disregard for females as active partners in sexual encounters) is representative of the larger problem of male violence towards females. Behavior/logic along these lines throws up huge flags for me as a survivor and feminist, that the person espousing them may not be in a healthy place & is susceptible to sexist ideologies. I guarantee any time you have a male who can bring his sexism to the level of violence against women, all the little things come with him, like 'Lol women, orgasms! WHERE IS THE CLIT EVEN' Orgasms, sex, social roles, this is all really political for a Tumblr-y sounding diatribe. These are all huge issues that women are battling at the moment.

I'm not sure if Jim is making fun of the Nice Guy stereotype or if he's actually mocking the issues that Nice Guys bring to the table, but this whole article is unpleasant and thoughtless imo.

Hope that makes some sense.

Poubelle

@sardines Okay, but where is the lack of empathy? He seems to be pretty empathetic towards women, especially to the college students who have to write Piers Plowman papers.

lbf
lbf

@sardines OK. From where I'm standing, your "not informed enough" sounds a lot like "not actually a rapist". What I'm perceiving is that in your eyes it's not possible for me to be a feminist while being somewhat mystified by the female body and female orgasms because I can't have either.
Y'know there's a learning curve being a good (competent, caring, exciting) sex partner to a woman. Every straight dude is somewhere on that curve - Nice Guys, rapists, Jim Behrle and me*. I'm missing the link between that fact and displaying "a disregard for females as active partners". I feel that paints all men as potential rapists which my sister-in-law does, for example, and I don't think she's a harpy, I just disagree.

We talk about sex and orgasms, sometimes making jokes; we also make jokes about our own orgasms, about the situational weirdness of being turned on or not turned on, about boners, about the clit. What we all agree on is that baity NYT sex trend pieces are terrible.

*My personal journey actually involved being told that I needed to be more in touch with what I want instead of second-guessing myself and obsessing about feedback.

sardines

@Poubelle ???? LOL wut is this comment, you don't seriously think that a male showboating ~how cool he is to the ladies~ equals empathy towards female issues do you? I wasn't aware that writing a paper for a partner and blogging about it magically makes everyday sexism end. It is, however, a great example of Jim's entitlement if he actually thinks this is significant. I honestly can't tell from his piece if he is willfully rude for the sake of edginess or just legitimately uninformed and buying into the status quo. It's just weird to see here, especially after the piece about the female comedian toeing the line on rape jokes.

sardines

@sardines I guess I forgot to put this in - While males may be able to get by with little to no understanding of how the female body works, women and girls (girls, as in, minors that shouldn't be sexually active) don't get that luxury. They are FORCED to learn how to please a male body. As that ad so gracefully illustrates, I could be a lesbian and I'd understand somewhat how a male wants to be pleased sexually. Tell me where womens' sexuality is taught so publicly in the same ways. LOL. I can tell you the clitoris would not be a fucking myth, it would be heralded with symbolic imagery akin to a Viagra commercial. Obviously we don't learn from JUST this kind of imagery and media, a huge portion of our sex ed is not from sex ed but from porn, where the norm is not female pleasure but instead male pleasure prioritized over female bodies, desires, autonomy, and safety. All males learn is how to feel good and all females learn is how to make males feel good, as well as how to mimic pleasure whether or not they're enjoying it, or in reality, experiencing pain.

Poubelle

@sardines No, I don't seriously think any of those things which I did not say.

I cannot follow your logic, so I'm out.

lbf
lbf

@sardines I'm out too, because holy shit, lady. I'll leave you the last word on this.

Megasus

Oh if these were 22 year old boys, no fucking wonder no women came.

Hellcat

I'd really love to read this but that damn ad repeatedly popping out from the right side is hindering me! The worst part is that I already have a damn Tempurpedic bed--I don't need another!

sharilyn@twitter

Dear LW: You are playing chess wrong.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@sharilyn@twitter HA! You. I like you.

sharilyn@twitter

o ladies! clearly this is a tongue-in-cheek piece. It's not hostile to women. It's not advocating sexual aggression.

TheJacqueline

@sharilyn@twitter Yeah, I sometimes feel like people are just looking for things to rip the new Hairpin apart on when an article like this is just...Jim Behrle making fun of the absurdity of the New York Times.

(Can't believe he didn't use this opportunity to the link to the NYT article that claimed that no one was having sex anymore because sexing had become passé!)

mollpants

@sharilyn@twitter Wait, yeah, I'm confused as to how it came across as anything else.

up cubed

@TheJacqueline I think this would make a lot more sense if it was illustrated with stickers, right?

sardines

@sharilyn@twitter I don't think it's hostile, just ignorant? Offensive because it's dumb and trite.

brilliantmistake

@sharilyn@twitter: Agree. It is perfection. Never change, Jim Behrle.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

C'mon, Jim, be real: Was it a huge paper on Piers Plowman or was it average sized, because we all know how you guys can get...

Jim Behrle

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I had three three page papers to write about Piers Plowman that kept me from graduating from Suffolk for 4 years! I took the class twice! Piers is my white whale!

mollpants

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Piers Plowman amirite

adorable-eggplant

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Lol

ETA: God, that's so perfect.

j-i-a

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose yeah gonna be watching this gif for the rest of the afternoon

Jim Behrle

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I feel strangely aroused by this

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@j-i-a I'm also partial to this one:

stuffisthings

@j-i-a it's actually secretly REALLY long and if you watch it long enough he gets the mushroom.

leylusha

I'm so down with this, and anybody who wants to make my feet fall asleep during the sex. Holla

P.S. Please don't hate me

I don't understand why this piece fails to address every possible aspect of kyriarchy, including the one I am secretly thinking about right now. Very disappointing, Jia, this is not what I read the Hairpin for.

adorable-eggplant

@P.S. Please don't hate me Is that a picture of Jonathan Franzen? If so, you are trespassing on my J-Fran-free-zone. [jkjk, but that guy is the woOorst: someone glued a penny to the ground in the plaza near where I work, and I'm pretty sure it was inspired by his NYtimes think piece.]

P.S. Please don't hate me

@adorable-eggplant
It is! The picture relates to the origin of the commenter name.

Did you know that New Zealand was the first country to declare itself a Jonathan Franzen-free zone? Many other countries have followed since, and New Zealand has since prohibited Jonathans Lethem and Safran Foer.

adorable-eggplant

@P.S. Please don't hate me Well, in light of that (and this: http://www.hobbitontours.com/) I will be packing my bags imminently.

ru_ri

@P.S. Please don't hate me I want to hug you through the Internets.

Jeff Makowski@twitter

"Like, just crawling under the porch and dying like a hound dog with no one to love me."

Thanks for reminding me, got to remember to clear out that space under the porch…

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Jeff Makowski@twitter
Eh, might as well.

1967336072@twitter

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Poubelle

I just would like to let the Hairpin know that I 100% agree with the previous comment--you made it worth read post, and it is wonderfully likable. Please forever post Jim Behrle. Well, I guess not forever, that's a mighty long time and maybe Mr. Behrle wants to do something else.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@Poubelle I can't think of anywhere else I would rather post. It is an honor to get to be on this site and I'm grateful. I do hope to be funny and not jerky but I will keep trying.

brilliantmistake

@Jim Behrle@twitter: You are funny and not jerky. I am always happy to see your byline.

2194007244@twitter

My friend's sister-in-law makes $83/hour on the computer. She has been without a job for five months but last month her paycheck was $21070 just working on the computer for a few hours. Here's the site to read more------> Dub30.ℂℴm

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