How did you first realize that you had a big dick?
It was something that people had always kind of said to me. And for a long time I assumed it was just something women said to a man to flatter him, to be nice. But then I started sleeping with men sometimes, and my dick was always bigger. Also—how do I put this—there were circumstances with some people in which, mid-coitus, we would have to stop having sex because it was painful. Obviously that's not somebody trying to flatter you.
Are you comfortable stating your size?
I actually never measured it.
How can you have a penis your entire life and not measure it?!
I don't know. I just never did it.
I can never believe guys when they say that. If I had a penis, I would measure it every day.
That's like guys saying, “If I had tits, I'd feel myself up every day.”
But I do feel myself up every day.
[LAUGHS] Well that probably feels better than measuring your dick.
So how does being a Man with a Big Dick figure into your identity?
It’s kind of fraught, because, like any element of physical attractiveness, you're flattered when people comment on it, but you know you bear no direct responsibility for it. And obviously it’s a really normative idea of what it means for a man to be good at sex, or to be attractive—“Oh, you have a big dong!”—and obviously that excludes people.
OK, but norms are norms. Has it increased your sexual confidence?
It definitely has, but I feel like I still have a lot of sexual hangups. It's not like it's turned me into a straightforward fucking machine. There have totally been times when I've been too drunk, or too depressed, or not into it enough to get hard.
Definitely during sex, or even just before having sex, it's kind of a nice thing to know. Because I think it'll make them feel good. I dunno, it's kind of this knowledge that...
...That they're not going to be disappointed?
Yeah. But it took me a long time to become good at sex, beyond the size of my dick. It took me a while to learn how to properly how to go down on somebody. And knowing that I'm good at that, for example, is as confidence inducing as knowing that I have a big dick. I finally understand that there's more going on than sticking a dick in a vagina. [LAUGHS]
Or an ass!
Or an ass.
Or a mouth!
Or an ear.
Wait, you've done that?
No, I've actually never done that. Have you done that?
What's the point in doing that?
I don't know. One thing I just remembered, there've been a couple of times when—and obviously I'm taking their word for it—but I've been having sex with a woman and she's been able to orgasm internally for the first time. Um. So that obviously feels nice to know. And was also a sign that maybe I was bigger than most people.
It's funny, because you’re telling me this, there's an implicit boast, but you're kind of embarrassed about that, and you're trying your best to mediate between these two competing instincts.
Well that's why this whole interview is kind of funny. Because obviously I'm a shitty dude [LAUGHS]. I want to talk about the size of my dick. But also I'm aware of the kind of implicit male ego involved.
So you’re progressive, you grew up around women, you’re a sensitive man. And you seem to have some wariness and possibly contempt for, like, the male way.
But you are male-identified all the same. Do you feel like you have the qualities one normally associates with manhood?
There are a lot of trappings of “classical man” that that I’ve never really identified with or felt comfortable with—I’ve never been really athletic, and it took me a long time to feel at all comfortable with my body because I was always skinny and gawky—but I definitely have a lot of them. I’ve worked not to be a really shitty prototypical, patriarchal dude.
I used to talk a lot more than I do now. In undergrad classes, and in political meetings, organizational meetings and that kind of thing, I used to just take up a lot of space. And I grew out of that, intentionally and unintentionally.
How conscious were you of your gender at the time?
I don’t think I was very. Obviously you’re just learning a lot about yourself and your politics when you’re a naive undergrad, so at the time I thought I was being politically strident and standing up for what I believed in. But it’s only over the past few years that I’ve realized just how pointlessly argumentative I could be, and how maybe that silenced people in a way that I wasn’t aware of then. I think whenever a man takes up space in that kind of setting, there is obviously kind of an implicit disdain.
Are there things that you like about being a guy? Do you ever just get psyched up about being a Big Dude with a Big Dick?
I mean, obviously I like my dick. I like having sex with it. And I do have a couple of close male friends, and it is kind of fun to just normatively bro out with them.
“Normatively bro-ing out” sounds like the least fun thing ever. Like the gluten-free vegan brownie of male bonding.
Just hanging out and talking in an obviously gendered way about dating or sex or women or our intimate lives, in a way I don’t necessarily talk around female friends. But a lot of my male friends are considerably less bro-y than some of my female friends. I have a couple of male friends who, when we get together and talk about relationships, it’s all about feelings. And then I get together with some female friends, especially queer female friends, and it’s just like, Pussy pussy pussy!
Can you give me an example of a sentence you might utter during normative bro time?
No. I don’t know. Like what?
“Her pussy was so wet, but it was kinda loose.”
See, you just did it!
Is that what you say?
Maybe not literally talking about the individual qualities of particular pussies. We’re just, like, talking about “chicks” and talking about sex. I just feel like some of my close queer female friends are able to pull off being a bit more superficial and sexually flippant than a self-aware progressive man.
Do you think that having a big dick has helped your dating life, beyond just the kinetics of fucking?
I think it just means that it feels good to have sex with me, so people want to keep doing it [LAUGHS]. Maybe. Maybe otherwise they’d become aware of my many flaws and kick me to the curb faster.
But has it changed the way you approach women?
I honestly don’t think so. When I’m interested, I don’t think, “I have a big dick. She’ll like it.” It’s taken me a long time to become OK with my body and my appearance, and also to know that I’m an OK lover, so I’d say that’s more what I bring to it than the knowledge that I have a big dick.
Has it shaped the way you relate to other men?
I can’t think of any time I was like, “Fuck this guy, I’ve got a bigger dick.” Or a time since high school that I had a conversation about dick size with a straight male friend.
But in times when you felt like another guy was more attractive or whatever, maybe it’s your ace in the hole, so to speak.
I definitely have male friends who I think are better looking than me, or, you know, have considerably more active sex lives. I guess it’s nice to know that at least I have this going for me.
So aside from its use value, it feels good to be a man with a big dick.
It does feel good. It’s nice that it makes people happy. And it’s flattering to hear. Also, it’s weird when you become aware that it’s something people talk about without you. I was once at a party, and I got a booty call, and somebody I’d never slept with said something like, “Oh, does she want that huge dick everybody talks about?”
OK. If someone offered you a million dollars but you had to give up three inches, would you take it?
[LAUGHS] Fuck. That’s a good question.
Is it, really?
A million bucks is a lot of money. No, I couldn’t do it.
What about true love.
Cut off three inches?
Not, like, cutting. No pain. It’d just shrink.
I dunno. I don’t think true love necessarily works that way.
Obviously it doesn’t work that way. This is a thought experiment. No one’s going to shrink your penis and give you a girlfriend.
[LAUGHS] Uh... no. I don’t think I would.
I don’t want to change my body that way. It’s shitty.
It’s not a matter of body acceptance, it’s purely hypothetical.
I mean, true love would be nice. But I dunno. I dunno.
OK. You could be the most successful person in your field or keep your big dick.
This is hard! True love and professional success are both very inviting. So you’re saying I lose three inches?
Let’s say you become smallish to average.
Oh, fuck it. Sure.
Yeah. For success, sure.
Success, but not love.
Well I don’t know. Now I’m changing my mind. Now I feel shallow.